I'm on a Love craze right now...

Love is not the enemy, it's the solution when it's right.  It can't be right if it's not meant to be, it can be fun, uplifting, but not right, not perfect.  Love means more when you need it the most, you need it the most when there is nothing else to turn to, and when there is nothing else to turn to, you have all the love to give and nothing to hold back.  Love is not something to be feared, though you should be scared of loving someone that much that it's real forever.  Don't step back but don't hold your heart too close either, either way you lose, but love is losing in order to have a few times you win.  Love is overexagerating and barely skimping by.  Love is praying and cursing, it's lust and never speaking, it's laying side by side and being miles apart.  It's knowing that nothing truly makes you happier, even when everything is going your way.  Love is scary, it's ironic and unbelievable, it's unsure and full of insecurities.  But when you've got it, it's the most amazing thing you'll ever have.

Finding His Way

No one said it would be easy,
but then again,
no one understands it like I do.
We could spend forever
telling him how we feel,
and still,
he would have no idea at all.
I'm sorry you're going through this now,
I'm sorry I'm not there to hold you
at night,
to tell you I understand,
because believe me, 
I do.
I spent four months in your Hell,
I know what you're going through,
I just wish it would be over for you,
that you'd find peace the way I did.
I promise, there will be light at the end,
just keep your eyes open and find it. 

Alright

I held your face that night,
I gave you my heart,
told you to slow down.

You didn't listen, 
you never listen,
even though you should.

I'm worried,
I'm scared, 
I need to save you, 
I have to.

Please hear me, 
please show me you are alright,
because in your silence,
I'm not sure you are.

~moment of truth~

Sometimes moments slip away and all we need is to realize where we came from and who we are. Forget about the fathers that left, the mothers that are too busy, forget about the siblings that pay no attention, forget about losing touch with those that once meant the most to you. Forget about all those times when the cliff seemed so near, forget about all those friends that betrayed you and the times when life seemed to dark to find your way. Sometimes one song, one moment, one kiss, one word can change it all. Tell yourself you can keep going, tell yourself you were always there for yourself and that's all you need. Forget about the apologies and the explanations you were given as a child, forget about the times you were told you weren't good enough, you are good enough, we all are.

Let life takes its course, if that means we are alone, then let it be. If that means we have someone to love, then let us love them and expect nothing in return. Sometimes we just need to find ourselves before we can accept anything from anyone else.

distance, absence, and space

You know... sometimes when you think a little space won't hurt anything, that you'll have time to clear your head and understand more of who you are, the opposite becomes apparent. When you are away from that one person for a mere few hours, the same day you just saw them that morning and knowing that you won't be with them till tomorrow... makes love seem all the more real. Sometimes, love has no answers and no reasons for why things happen the way they do. Sometimes leaving that person you love for a day or two means all the more when you see them again, after all "absence does make the heart grow fonder." So the next time you think you need a little time to think, rethink that... the answers you are looking for are already inside of you. When you love someone, any time away seems like a million times longer than it really is.

P.S. I Love you more than anything and I miss you so much!

life list for 10 years down the road

Here I am... almost twenty years old, only a few years away from graduating college and going into the real world. Growing up and doing what I want, living how I want and using all the knowledge I've gained to help me live a better life. So thinking about this, I realized I wanted to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next 5-10 years. In 5 years, I'll be 24 and graduated from college, in 10, I'll be 29 and totally on my own. So here it goes... a life list for the next decade in my life...
1. get married, have "Baby, i'm amazed" played at my wedding, with rose petals all over the ground
2. have a fairly successful job doing whatever I end up wanting to do: right now, I hope that I am designing interior spaces for commercial structures
3. Be working on a book, whether it be a book of my poetry or a novel, I want to at least be working on it
4. save time to write, to cook, and spend time with my family
5. be able to support myself
6. i want to have been to Europe at least a few times
7. have a place that I bought/rent/lease and decorate it totally in my own style
8. buy my Audi TT
9. move away for a few years after getting married, to distance myself from my family and only make time for my husband, then possibly move back closer
10. make a "greatest collection" of my best poems and distribute them to family and friends

a shade of pink and st. V

There is something so seductive about roses, about chocolate and the meaning of love on this day. St. Valentine must have been romantic, a man who believed in true love or at least in the temporary romantic lust that occurrs on Valentine's day. Women and girls treasure this day above so many other days, not because we get gifts and taken out to a nice dinner, not because we get all the chocolate we want or because we get to buy gifts for the guys in our lives, but because on Valentine's day, love is real, love becomes an escape and a day when no matter how many time we've fallen in love or how true the love is that we have at the moment, we are in love and St. Valentine's Day is ours to treasure. So on February 14th, love is real, love is true, love is that fairy-tale romance, that white knight, that day of rose petals and bubble baths, hearts and candy and chocolate and maybe a little surprise gift in there too. St. Valentine sure must have been an interesting person, a man who is the namesake of the "Hallmark" holiday, of lighting candles and scattering rose petals, of rose bouquets and chocolates. There is something so seductive about roses and chocolate, two such ordinary and unplanned things, but ever so beautiful. There is so much meaning in Valentine's Day, because for 24 hours, love seems invincible, unstoppable and unplanned, it seems romanticized, and covered in a shade of pink that every girl wants to last forever...

for my mom... (though a bit overdramatized)

My Paragon

The lamplight doesn’t soothe her anymore,
Her daughter’s gone, off into the world,
She’s alone again.

Her worn out hands are desiccated,
Like lizards in the sun for way too long,
More than even their pale skin can handle.

Her heart is lost, unloved by him,
Who’s job and days are filled with work;
She’s nothing that she used to be to him.

Her son is gone most of the time,
Off at school, with girls, or at all his games;
She doesn’t know him very well anymore.

It seems she has no control,
Her emotions are of no use anymore,
Her eyes can’t cry a single drop of tear.

He doesn’t notice her, he doesn’t see she’s fading,
But how could he?
He’s never there.

She misses that daughter that she loved so much,
The phone calls everyday have faded to once or twice a week,
And her voice just isn’t the same as the girl she knew.

She’s off experiencing the world,
Living on her own, loving who she wants to,
Learning to be without her mother.

She wishes time could go backward,
That her two children would be young again,
And listen to her every word, obeying her on all.

But time cannot go back, days cannot rewind,
And she starts to see the wrinkles on her face,
The age lines starting to appear.

She’s a mother, a wife, a teacher,
But no one notices that anymore,
No one pays attention to all she does.

Once adventurous, promiscuous, and abiding,
She is now nothing more than a woman in his house,
A woman at his games,
But always a paragon in her daughter’s view.