done

She held my hand through my darkest years, she was the one that I sat on the phone with crying the night away in my tiny closet when no one else would listen, when I had no one else to turn to. I sit here tonight, broken inside, such a high then such a low. She needs to open her eyes and tell me what is going through her mind, why she left everyone behind, why she has cut everyone out and why she didn't even bother to tell me, why I was the last to find out. I feel betrayed and hurt, the loyalty I thought we had I guess meant nothing to her. I am tired of doing all I can for people, being there for them whenever they need a shoulder to cry on, advice to be given and I am so tired of dealing with everyone else's problems when I have plenty of my own to deal with. I'm sick of hearing about them build themselves up and then tell me that I am like them... I am NOTHING like them and I swear to God that I will never be like them. They have never done anything that I look up to and while I love them, I do not aspire to be like them. I do not want to live their lives and I am done telling either of them what I think or how I am feeling because they use it as ammunition toward me to one another.

I am 21 years old, I should be enjoying what's left of my young adult life and not worrying about this feud between my aunts and my grandparents. I have no need to be in the middle of it, neither do I want to be in the middle of it. They have their issues that they've had for so many years that I personally don't care to relive it over and over again. I am done listening to it, I'm done dealing with it, and I'm done talking about it. I am sincerely hurt and it's something that is going to take more than an email to fix. I don't care anymore, they can sit on their high horses and cry and gossip and say that nobody listens to them, but they are the ones that have always gotten exactly what they want. Ironic how the girls that had everything handed to them, ended up like this?

life lessons

After a long and overwhelming week... here are a few little life lessons I've learned:

. find a moment when you need it the most and just stand still, not doing anything, not thinking, just be still and breathe
. take the time to call a friend or a relative, it will mean the world to them
. hold someone's hand, it always will make you feel loved
. find out what you truly believe in and figure out what it really means to you in your life
. don't judge someone else for what faith they have, you don't know what's going on in their life
. when you love someone, tell them
. hug someone and tell them thank you for all they do
. smile when no one is looking
. wrap yourself in blankets, it will always make you feel better
. watch the rain fall
. sleep in as late as you want
. go above and beyond on what ever you are supposed to do, it will all pay off in the end
. always be on time
. watch a favorite movie or play your favorite song
. if you get the chance to travel, go for it
. when you are alone, always remember that it's a time to cleanse your soul and find out about yourself
. go home every once in a while, even if you hate it, it means the world to your parents
. be able to stand on your own, don't rely on other people to make you grow up, take responsibility for yourself
. if you are overwhelmed, cry, get upset, and then move on and do what you are supposed to do
. don't worry about what people are going to think, if you truly believe you are making the right decision, those closest to you will support you
. create someplace that represents your dreams and believe that you will go there (Paris!)
. take time and write down your thoughts from time to time
. tell some one when you are upset
. find someone that you can tell anything to
. have a balance of friends and love them for different things
. buy something you really want
. work the hardest you can, it will all pay off and you will be better for it
. but don't let work control you're entire life, keep the important things special
. don't worry about when marriage will happen, or when your life will be planned out, let life happen and just live
. don't regret things you've done or feel bad about them, they are what made you who you are and how you got to where you're at
. waking up next to someone you love is the best feeling in the entire world
. find someone you can laugh with, someone you can talk to, someone that you share a bond with, and keep them forever
. love is about falling in love over and over again, and when you can look at that person two years later and still feel a rush when you're with them, that's true love
. tell people you are thankful for them
. always tell the truth
. but sometimes a little white lie is okay
. we all feel lost sometimes, but finding your way back often creates a stronger more dedicated person
. dream and dream and dream and keep dreaming
. learn another language
. live in another country
. smile at someone you see on the street, it might just make their day
. get lost in someone's stare
. have a few too many drinks, so what if you get a little giggly?
. look out the window and smile, because what could be more beautiful than this moment right now?

Goals

With the glow of white gold bracing my eye and a diamond sparkling on my finger, I find myself thinking about all that is coming for me. And as I realize all that is coming, I have to brace myself sometimes. I am living all that I want to live and becoming all that I want to be, yet still somewhere I am terrified of all of that, of all of what is coming. I, like so many of those people closest to me, am scared to move on from college, to move on from the life I know, to move away, to get married, to start a family, to choose my own life. And while I know I am more than capable of doing all of that, I am still terrified of how it will all happen. Sometimes I sit back and think of all my dreams and what I want, of living in Paris, accomplishing all my career goals, of learning French and touring the Arab world that once held me as its own. And thinking of all these things I can only hope to achieve. THere is so much going on, so much happening all at once and in the end I can't help but smile, because I know in the end I'll get through it all, I'll find peace and accomplish all that I want to. So here are my goals, no time limits, just goals for myself to rise to the occasion.

1. Live in Paris
2. Get married
3. Learn French and Arabic
4. Live and work in London
5. Rise in my career
6. Publish some sort of my writing
7. Buy myself an Audi
8. Own a townhouse in the pearl district
9. return to portland someday
10. keep the faith I've created
11. not lose contact with those that i love the most
12. fulfill every dream I've ever dreamt on some level