Lost tears

I don't quite know what feels right anymore, and I don't know if it's suddenly such an insecurity coming through that's making me this way. But I don't believe in what I know anymore, I don't believe in all the things that used to keep me so put together. I am going through a time in my life that I think I need a change to push me forward. I think that here I am, with it all so put together on the outside, but inside I am screaming, just going crazy, chaotic and lost. So much of the time, I just want it to be like it used to be, like it was when I was so incredibly happy, when everything you said to me made me smile and when I didn't have to listen to ten hours of the same thing over and over, when you cared intimately enough to take me out when I least expected it, when I never had to ask for you to show that you care.

And any more, I've lost so much of my security in myself and there has been no one standing there behind me to back me up when I'm falling and everyday as I think about it, it hurts me more and more that no one's been strong enough to stand behind me and hold me. And maybe I never will find anyone strong enough to catch me when I fall but I also want so badly to be loved so intimately, so through and through that no matter how far or fast I fall, someone cares enough to be there over and over without reservation, without reserve. I want that kind of love that Tariq has for Laila, that love that he tells her he'd go anywhere to follow her, that just being with her and living her dreams is enough, that just her, just the moments between them are enough. I feel like the older I get, the farther I get from that kind of love. It seems like the longer I stay where I am, the bigger gap begins to form.

I am so tired of the arguments, the words that don't need to be said. And right now, these tears are falling for more reasons than one. I used to be so confident that you loved me enough to follow me wherever I might go, that things that we important to me would always be important to you and in all honesty my love, I dont believe that anymore. I don't know that you'll follow me to wherever I end up going, I don't know that you want what I want anymore, and I don't know that I have the assurance in you that you are willing to be strong enough to catch me and keep me going.

Any Less

Some time in the last couple of days, my emotions have gotten the best of me. And suddenly, it's as if my whole world has changed, suddenly, it's as if all these memories have come flooding back. Suddenly I am realizing that there are no more quick drives home, there is no "home" to go to, suddenly now there are two houses to drive by and remember what it was like to be inside of it with my family. Suddenly there are two towns that are nothing but memories now. Suddenly I am realizing that there won't be birthday dinners, there won't be days when my dad is up here in the city for a meeting. Suddenly, there are no more thanksgivings at home, there are no more day trips or lunches with my mom. There are no more times when my parents are up here for a day, no more going home when I need a little extra push. There are no more trips to the grocery store with them, no more going to church with them.

Those of you whose parents live in the same place where you grew up, don't take that for granted, don't wish them to move, because when they do, it's harder than you've ever imagined. I don't know what it is lately, but it's really dawning on me. My parents are 2,000 miles away and I wasn't ready for that, I am not ready for it. It's hard, knowing that I have to board a plane to see them, knowing that there in a completely different time zone. It's hard knowing that they can't just drive up here for a birthday dinner or to drop something off. And lately, it's been so much just my brother and I relying on each other that it's making me see that suddenly, I am feeling my parents being gone so much more than I did when they first left.

I guess this is what life is about, moving and changing, it's something I think is in my blood, but it doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't make it any less emotional or make me miss them any less.

The Tunnel

Sometimes love just goes through a period of trial, a period of pain to come out on the other end happier than its ever been. This past year has been one of memories, often times more bad than good, but here we are, at the other end, still here, still together, stronger, better off and more in love than we've ever been. THrough it all, family, friends and personal struggles, life is finally taking its place and our love is finally pushing us forward, holding us together. I've never been happier with you my love, and for the first time in years, I am seeing our love as it was when we first got together. We are suddenly seeing love and life as they are meant to be seen and suddenly I want nothing more than to search for our dreams together. Sometimes, I catch myself just thinking of you and our life together and it makes me so happy, so refreshed and energized to keep going in life. I get so excited when I think about how we have no idea where we'll be in a year, but we know that we'll be together, we know that life will keep us together. I love you more than I ever have and even though a lot is up in the air right now, I'm so excited to experience that ride with you.

Here's to us my love... we made it through the tunnel.

A soft place to land

Its funny how all the small things in life come crashing down so much harder when you are missing someone. It's funny how every man that smiles at the woman in his life becomes a moment shared by you as well, remembering how it is to love someone else. It's ironic how every sunset, how every walk along the beach, gathers memories of that person so many miles away that has your heart. How every wedding, every smile and every touch, makes you believe more and more in the power of love and in what's supposed to be. We may go through trials, through obstacles and mazes, through ups and downs, and through every thing that life brings, but it is moments when we are away, apart, that bring me back to know how much I believe in us and in how much I do want you there with me when my life is growing. It's those little moments when no one thinks anyone is watching, that I see a husband kiss his wife, or two lovers strolling on the beach, it's those moments when I know we are not only doing the right thing with our relationship, but that our love only grows stronger and stronger with each day that passes.

It's funny how life takes us and throws us against the beach, like the giant waves that crash surfers and wave riders toward the sand. But there is always some sort of sandy patch for us to land on, life may throw you against that shore, but there is a force that is watching out for our safety and as not to hurt us too bad, that force may guide us clear of the rocky beach and instead force us to land on that soft golden sand. There is beauty in that crash, and a power so strong that is making crash only to fall on something soft and realize that we belong on dry land, rather than at sea.

You, my love, are my sandy shore, you are that soft place to land after the world has thrown me toward land, after life has held in its grip as hard as can be, and crashed me toward your shore. And as I sit here only waiting to see you again in just a few short days, I want you to know that you, my love, are my soft place to land, today and always.

P.S. I Love you

We're all changing, and through all those changes, sometimes the worst gets hold of us and holds us in its trap. Sometimes all we need is a little while to figure it all out and a little faith in that love that's always been there. Sometimes, we just have to realize that while sometimes it may be tough, while sometimes it may be terrible, it also is beautiful because through the hurt and loss, we are learning about ourselves and about our lives. We are learning about our love... and about our true feelings and in that... we are becoming more beautiful ... day by day.

P.S. I love you more than ever.