Lost tears

I don't quite know what feels right anymore, and I don't know if it's suddenly such an insecurity coming through that's making me this way. But I don't believe in what I know anymore, I don't believe in all the things that used to keep me so put together. I am going through a time in my life that I think I need a change to push me forward. I think that here I am, with it all so put together on the outside, but inside I am screaming, just going crazy, chaotic and lost. So much of the time, I just want it to be like it used to be, like it was when I was so incredibly happy, when everything you said to me made me smile and when I didn't have to listen to ten hours of the same thing over and over, when you cared intimately enough to take me out when I least expected it, when I never had to ask for you to show that you care.

And any more, I've lost so much of my security in myself and there has been no one standing there behind me to back me up when I'm falling and everyday as I think about it, it hurts me more and more that no one's been strong enough to stand behind me and hold me. And maybe I never will find anyone strong enough to catch me when I fall but I also want so badly to be loved so intimately, so through and through that no matter how far or fast I fall, someone cares enough to be there over and over without reservation, without reserve. I want that kind of love that Tariq has for Laila, that love that he tells her he'd go anywhere to follow her, that just being with her and living her dreams is enough, that just her, just the moments between them are enough. I feel like the older I get, the farther I get from that kind of love. It seems like the longer I stay where I am, the bigger gap begins to form.

I am so tired of the arguments, the words that don't need to be said. And right now, these tears are falling for more reasons than one. I used to be so confident that you loved me enough to follow me wherever I might go, that things that we important to me would always be important to you and in all honesty my love, I dont believe that anymore. I don't know that you'll follow me to wherever I end up going, I don't know that you want what I want anymore, and I don't know that I have the assurance in you that you are willing to be strong enough to catch me and keep me going.