time to grow up yet still hold on a little

I'm sorry I've been gone
for a while. It's been so long since I've been home,
alone with you, with all of you.
I feel almost like I've abandoned you,
like I've left a piece of myself there and
that's good enough.
I've left the pictures and the bed, the few clothes
in the closet and I've acted as if that's good enough,
like that makes up for me not being there through all this.

It's been hard for me to find a balance
witih all l have up here, with more family,
friends and love.
It seems like I was being pulled so hard
to find my own life, taking advice to move on,
become my own person,
on my own.
And yet, I know you probably think I believe
my life here is more important than you,
but I know it's not... it's just reality.
It's just me growing up, moving on.

I'm sorry I've been away so long,
life got too busy and I failed to see where I was,
and neglected you, your lives, my old life there with you.
I became my own person, but perhaps at the expense of
us, all of us.

I promise that will change,
I promise soon I'll be a part of it again,
soon I'll be there to hold all of your hands,
to walk with you and lend a helping piece of advice.
Soon the wait will be over,
and my life will be part of yours, ours, once again.

*Sometimes it seems so hard when we are being pulled one way to grow up and be on our own and yet then on the other hand we feel like we have to stay and be with the family we grew up in, almost like they need us there. But I've learned that you can't stay there forever, you have to grow up no matter who it hurts or who it helps. We all have to face the reality that someday we can't rely on mom and dad, someday we have to whither away those chains and turn them into strings that still attacch but aren't so prominant and violently addictive. Sometimes all we need is to find a balance, become ourselves, grow up on our own and hold onto those strings when it's needed and all will be alright.

damn summer

You know, when I set out this evening preparing to make a new post, finding my inspiration to write about, I had a totally different state of mind, a totally different attitude on what is coming up soon in my life and I had a very negative outlook (to put it gently). Until one small moment as I emerged from a bubble bath and was met with a kiss and a dove dark chocolate. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and no matter how small or insignficant it may seem, sometimes all we need is a little reminder or something that will push us forward to where we need to go, give us a little hint of guidance. For me, tonight my little reminder that ended up changing my mind completely was a Dove dark chocolate candy wrapper and inside it said "don't think about it so much." This particular statement shocked me, because for the last twenty minutes or so during my bubble bath I had been comptemplating the next few months. They are going to be extremely hard for me, I know that ahead of time. For the next couple months, the boy I love with everything I have will not be here with me. I won't see him everyday and I won't have him here beside me, to hold me or wake up next to. He will be five hours away and in a place that I could still be going home to if something had not changed my fate.

But after that candy wrapper, I realized that I can't think about it so much and I have to embrace the good. I will still see him, that is better than nothing I suppose. And I kknow we'll both make an effort to be together, even if we're not in the same place. It works, people do it and love survives. I know we'll be alright, we'll makke it through and keep our love alive. He is my life, my everything, the love of my life and I will see it through until we are back together again. That candy wrapper taught me something tonight, it showed me that thinking about it doesn't do anything, it only makes me feel worse in the end. IT showed me that this summer will help both of grow as well as making ourr love grow stronger.

And just now as I looked back and saw him on my bed as he doesn't even know I'm writing about him, he has no idea how much this summer is going to kill me inside, how many nnights I'll cry, how many days I'll live wishing he was here beside me. But I'll make it, no matter what I have to go through to make it, I'll make it, we'll make it. I am just warning ahead of time, I'm going to try to make the best of this,, but it's going to be hard no doubt. I knwo I'll cry, I'll scream, I'll sit alone in the dark and write my heart out just to stay sane. So my love, I might break a bit, chip off a piece of myself or two, but I'll still be here when you get back, and we'll be better than we've ever been, I promise with all my heart and soul. I'm yours, I always will be.

diet coke cans and candy wrappers

Here I am, alone for the first time in a long time. Alone against the night, alone against the day, alone. And beside me is a constant reminder of you: your phone, left here laying alone among the bed blankets and the famed remote controls. To the other side of me is an airhead wrapper and on the table, two easter baskets, yours and mine. And that's how my whole life is these days: yours and mine, hearts, thoughts, prayers. Ordinarily I'd be mad about the wrapper, the diet coke cans left all over and your bag opened and spilling out hanging over the chair. But as I think about it, I realized tonight that you are the most important thing in my life and no matter what happens, what comes up in our lives, i'll always be there to support you in whatever you choose. And if it turns out we're not supposed to be the people we think we'll be, I'll still be there, always, forever. So in those diet coke cans, wrappers and easter baskets, in your phone and your bag spilling open over the edge of the chair, I've realized: i'll always be there, cmart will always listen :-)

~exaclty~

Do you ever feel those moments when you just look at someone and smile because that moment could not be anymore perfect? When you realize the life you're living is totally perfect and more moments are taking your breath away than you are breathing and when you see the city has cured every bad moment in your life, every spell of disaster, every ounce of unhonest battles you've encountered. Do you ever have that tiny second when you look at the boy you love and know he's the only one that's right for you, when you'd do anything for him? When every inch of his skin is right for you, when nohting is wrong with him, he is perfect in every flawless way. Do you ever look out at the city, watch the lights flicker in the distance and glitter against the black night sky and know that no moment could be better than what you're living right now? When every star in the night sky lends itself to you for the split second of majesty and when nothing can tackle you down, when nothing can shake you from where you are, because where you are is exaclty where you're supposed to be.

Lucky Penny

Wish on a star for you might fall in love,
Toss a coin, pick up a lucky penny,
Don’t step on a crack, you might break your mother’s
Back, and we wouldn’t dare risk that, now would we?

Don’t break mirrors, don’t tell a dancer good luck.
Make a wish as you drive through a tunnel and hold
Your breath or when the clock strikes 3:33 or 11:11.
Get kissed in the rain for luck and don’t walk along
The railroad tracks.

I’d do anything for luck for in the simple ways of life,
We become dependent on these simple tricks.
Yet believe in them, some believing in these more
Than faith in something spiritual.
So how does that define us saying we’ll wish upon stars
And hold our breath as the tunnel passes,
But we cannot pray?

Perhaps wishing seems more real in
A concrete world. Perhaps dreams live in wishes
And good luck: for we are all dreamers.
Perhaps it is because a lucky penny is real.
Perhaps because myths passed down through the ages,
About not stepping on cracks,
About breaking mirrors or kissing in the rain
Are old, real, dreams of ancient people just like us.

It’s all about dreams, dreams that defined them then.
And dreams that we want to define us now.

Wish upon a star and you might fall in love.
Isn’t that a dream worth dreaming for?

~breathing on this 6th month~

There are moments in life that cannot replace anything else. There are people in life that will always be loved and that will always be a part of you, no matter what happens in the end. We experience things with people, we form relationships, bonds and we make moments with them, big and small, significant and insignificant, memorable and also forgettable ones. No matter how far away we are from those people or where they are today, we have so much to keep of them in our hearts. Those moments we made will stay forever, good or bad, small or big; it doesn't matter except the memories.

I have met many people that stay in my memories, people that changed me, that meant something to me, people that I loved and formed bonds with. But none have touched me the way one person has. He has changed my whole world and showed me how to love, how to open my heart, how to let someone else completely in and not be afraid to show my heart. The moments and memories with him are by far some of the most important of my entire life and nothing can take those from my heart.

Keep those moments dear, hold them close to your soul and live on them, use them to breathe when all else is gone. For in the end, it doesn't matter how many breaths you took, it only matter how many moments took your breath away.