sometimes

Sometimes we have moments that we finally see ourselves for who we are and acknowledge it. Tonight I am realizing that I have a brand new start to make in the next week, and my life is only getting better and better as it continues. I am totally at peace with myself, something that's taken me a long time to get to this point. And in that peace, I am finding my love for the only boy that's ever had my heart deepen each and every day. It's in that peace that I am a stronger girl, woman, whatever I may be. I can look out the dark window here tonight and see flashes of light, because I know that in the end, I am becoming just who I want to be. Sometimes it takes something like a break down, sometimes it takes love, light and happiness to bring you to peace.

Sometimes we only need a moment to dispel all the wrong things in our lives. Sometimes sitting in the dark looking at a loved one is all we need to realize that life is too short not to love. For me, that love came in stages. I had never felt anything like it and as everyone around me noticed at the beginning, I was truly changed. He took my heart and kept it, and still keeps it. It was amazing how soon I felt it, how soon I knew he was the one, amazing how he took my breath away and still does after two long years. Then it changed to a deepening friendship and I loved being with him. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried and we got to know each other in a deeper and more intimate way. Our love grew, deepened, changed and evolved. Though I suppose that's what it's supposed to do. And so it grew, and so did we. We changed from two college students in a time of change and evolution into something different, into two adults beginning a life long relationship. Our responsibilities became greater, and with that so did the decisions we had to make. BUt along with that, our love only grew deeper and changed into a more grown up kind of love, an older kind of relationship. You know, my aunt said to the me the other day, "I think that to stay in a relationship with someone for a long time, the love has to grow and change along with the both people in it." And so it has for me and my love. As we have grown up, so has the love we hold. And here two years later, I have no doubts about where my life is headed with him. I have no apprehensions, (though I might get restless from time to time that's just me). I am just as head over heals in love with him today as I was two years ago. And as I look over at him sleeping right now, my heart skips a beat, my breath lingers on my tongue, and each time I see him, I fall in love again, each time he leaves, I count the footsteps as he goes and each moment away seems longer than it should.

And sometimes, I think that we just need to love in order to find ourselves. Sometimes we need to find that first passionate first love to find our exactly who we are and what we are capable of. And I pray everyday that I can forever hold onto my love that I have until the day I die, but if something ever happens to what we have, at least I know that I fell in love with someone that I deeply care for, someone that means everything in the world to me, and that what we had, was better than I ever thought love could be.

roots.

Speaking yesterday to a girl at work that grew up in the middle east, I realized just how much I miss it. How much I miss being the only pale skinned girl in the crowd, how I missed the uniqueness of the culture, how the sand felt when it blew against my skin, how endless the ocean seemed at my feet, how real it all felt, how it felt like home. I miss the sensation of religion calling to the masses, the way the sweet bread would melt on your tongue and the way, the sun felt in those early morning hours rising over the gulf. I miss the travel, the palm trees lining every road, the endless expanse of sand, the way the falcon soared over the earth and the way religion conquered all. I miss the traditions, the culture, the unique ways of the Arab world. I miss Saudi and I will never think of myself as a normal American girl, I never have been, I never grew up the way the rest of you grew up. I was imprinted with the print of the arab world more than I was of an American childhood. And even though I left at an impressionable age, I still wonder what it would be like to go back. I had forgotten a lot of the things I remember because no one that I know can relate to what I lived, how I grew up, until I met this girl at work the other day from Somalia, an arab country in Africa.

It dawned on me then, speaking to her of all the places I used to know so well. And I suddenly was drawn back to all the places, the memories, the culture, the traditions, the smells, the food, the way the sun would set over the desert in the late evening. I suddenly remembered the way the streets smelled, the way the desert looked at first light, the way the ocean felt so warm on your bare feet, the way the world seemed to stop turning when you looked out over the ocean that in just a short distance took you to the sands of Kuwait.

It's a beautiful world there, one that is often misunderstood, one that many seem ignorant about, one that people make judgement too quickly without understanding. It's a world of tradition, a place where life is lived the same it's been lived for thousands of years and in a world that is so rapidly changing, maybe we need more of that, maybe we need more of a world in which traditions forms a basis. It's sad how westernized the world has become, it's sad how tradition is being swept aside to become like us americans. In the end, I guess I realized that I had been pushing this huge part of myself aside, when I needed to embrace it and realize how much a part of me it truly is. I feel in my heart as I am part Arab, less American than Arab. For half my life I was Arab, then suddenly forced into America as a teenager, and now finally I am figuring out that I don't have to be either or, I can be both. I can be the American girl that grew up in Saudi Arabia and the Arab girl that moved to America. I can be both, because both are who I am, I am neither one without the other, both make up my soul, both make me who I am. And so until I can see the sands beneath the setting sun, and taste that sweet bread melting my mouth on the Saudi streets in the early evening when the sun is setting and suddenly there is relief from the heat, I will continue to go back to my Arab roots, regardless of what those around me think I am.

here's to hoping

Our days here are numbered and in each of those numeric weeks that flies by us with the setting sun, more and more of the things that are in our future get closer and closer. In just a few short years, I will be done with school, working, completely on my own, married, and beginning all that I choose to do. And as I sit here thinking, as I finally have time to actually just sit and think, I can't wait for all that is ahead of me, I can't wait to marry my love, to walk down that aisle and look up at him, and smile because he truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he came along at the perfect time in my life. And while sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on certain things, I always come back to the conclusion that he is the one I want to be with, he is the one that makes me feel loved and he is the one that I want to be with regardless of what night of the week it is or who might be going out.

I am turning 21 in a few weeks and I can't help but wonder, how did life come to this point so quickly? It seems yesterday we were just graduating from high school, barely knew who we were and worrying about prom dates, not bills and rent. It seems that as life goes, so does more responsibility. And in that, that only makes us stronger. I can't believe it sometimes when I look down and see that I am supporting myself, taking responsibility and making my own decisions. I am at a point where I feel like I can go to my parents as an adult and tell them what I've decided, and regardless of how they feel, I can do what I think is right.

And so as we grow up, ever so quickly, it's amazing how much is thrown at us. Here's to only hoping we have the strength, courage and ability to hold on to it and do all we can with it.

not only a dream

As I sit here and the sun is setting behind the trees and behind the clouds that soothed me today, I can see the leaves slowly changing colors outside. It's this time of year that truly makes feel myself, it's the way the leaves fall, the rain falling and the memories of love that get me right now. And in all honesty, as I take a moment to rest right now, after finishing up another quarter at school, it seems only natural to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I can actually breathe and rest now, for a little while at least.

And as I look back, this has been one of the most trying quarters for me at school and at life. I went through a lot in my personal life in the last ten weeks and in school it was especially difficult getting everything done. I'm at a point right now where I just want to learn, and that in itself, I think tells me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. You know, I said to Nick the other day, "I love my school and I love what I'm doing," and he remarked back, "You're really lucky that you can say that because not that many people can say that." And that makes me smile, even here and now because he's right, I've found so much in the past couple of years that many people search for for a lifetime. In the past two years, I have found the love of my life, a boy who I've watched become a young man, a man that takes care of me, that loves me unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could be loved and a man that I know will never let me down. My love for him today is the strongest its ever been and it only continues to grow each and every day we are together. I have found a school and passion in my life that I can continue doing that I love. I found something that I want to do for the rest of my life and I love doing it. I have met people that have changed me, friends that I will keep for the rest of my life, friends that know me and respect me for who I am. I've lost a lot of people that were important in my life, and I've lost family to death and to distance in the past few months.

But through it all, I've learned the most about myself and looking back to this time two years ago, I've changed almost every part of myself and my life and it's all for the better. I am a different person than I was back then, I am a more mature, sophisticated, confident and well rounded person than I was, and in the past two years, not only have i found a dream for my future, but I've found a reality that can make that future come true.

... for us all....

*Remember*

Always remember your father’s smile,
And your childhood home.
Remember the way a child laughs,
And the way it smells after it rains.
Remember the moment when you found yourself,
The touch of every hand you shake,
And the feel every hug you give.

Always remember the first time
And the last time,
Remember the love you’ve had for others,
Regardless if that love still exists of not.
Remember what hurt you the most,
And the best moment of your life.

Always remember what means the most,
Remember to say the three little words
That begin with “I” and end in “u.”
Remember your first love,
And the face of every loved one gone.

Always remember the way the sun sets,
And how the leaves drop in the fall.
Remember the moments with family,
And the long talks with those you love.
Remember the connections, and strive
To keep them.

Remember you are loved,
And no matter where life takes us,
We always come back to a spot that keeps
Us whole.

Remember the strength it took to grieve,
And the courage it takes to move on.
Always remember his smile,
After all, it was the best smile in the world.

*Blessed*

It's interesting how things all come to play in our minds. I honestly have never been close to anyone that's died, never had a close relative die unexpectedly, never had a friend gone in an instant. THat is, until now. And as of a few weeks ago, my family was extremely complete, and though we definitely have things that create issues, we were all alive and well, happy and alive. That is until my grandma's brother died on August 19th, a day I'll always remember, because it was the morning after a whirlwind weekend for Alyssa's wedding. I'll never forget that phone call because it marked a huge transition in my life. It marked a day when forever I'll remember what it felt like to have something like that hit you, something like realizing you'll never see someone again. I remember not knowing how to feel, because although I didn't spend every day with my beloved Uncle Jerry, I definitely had a connection with him, a relationship, a bond. I was confused, unsure and lost for a while.

The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.

It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.

But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.