from the desert

I. Sometimes all we need is a moment alone in an isolated place to realize what we have, what we had and who we are: who we've always been. The world will speak to you when you're in isolation: life willl show you truth and faith and light. And in a moment alone, the world is yours: inspiration runs free, touching every section of skin exposed and available. In a simple section of the world, different than what you're used to, nature will touch you and lead you toward the truest truth you've ever known.

II. Some parts of me are still finding themselves. Some parts of me find comfort in the wind at the coast, the waves of salt washing upon millions of grains of sand, getting lost as the wind sweeps the sand across tiny landscapes of coastline. Other parts of me could live forever sitting in front of the river, watching as I sit on that same bench, as the clouds sweep across the gray-white-lined sky and the waves splash against themselves until satisfied. Though still, some parts of me still long for the desert, that home that stretched for unkown miles, tents and camels lining horizons, the sun hotter than Hell itself, but soothing in all the same likeness. The sand sweeping dunes out of thin air and feeling the too-hot sand under my feet. It's where I grew up, it's who I was and always is going to be a part of me. Some parts of me are found. Some, yet others, are still hidden inside waiting to live again.

III. It can only take a simple thing to make you realize where you came from. No one can take that away from you. No one can change the way you felt standing on the dunes of your life, your world: the only you knew. It only takes a second to show you who you were and to realize: you'll always be that person, you might just need a little inspiration to get your heart back to where it began.

otherwise....

When dreams feel reachable and tulips become more than just flowers, I've know I've been in love. When even after so many months of nothing but each other, I still want to see him everyday, I still miss him when I'm gone and his simple picture cures my lonliness for a few more moments until I hear his voice. When I can't go a day without speaking to him or touching him, when anything is possible in his deep green eyes, hazel if you must. When diet coke and dark chocolate mean more than just that and when House doesn't mean a structure you live in. When adding up every moment, successes and mistakes, and when coming to the conclusion that it all adds to being good, positive, then you have found love you might never have again... hold on to. For you don't know when it could come crashing down, fall apart or other wise lose hope.

Stunned and Satisfied

I'll be there someday,
standing on those steps,
watching the stars cover up the moon,
in the glow of stardust and dreams.
I'll fall from those steps,
fall into your arms and lay there: stunned
and satisfied in your embrace.
I'll watch the moon lower into the horizon
and dream of moments that could never
be as perfect as this one.
I'll be there someday,
upon that hill watching people fall in and out
of love, in that church watching weddings that
will never live up to what I expect from love.
I'll be there someday, dreams upon dreams,
in moments that should be special,
but in my heart, nothing will ever be as special
as my moment with you.

I'll be there someday, standing on those steps,
watching the stars cover up the moon,
in the glow of stardust and dreams.
And from those steps I'll fall into another dream,
into you arms and lay there: stunned and satisfied,
as all my dreams come true in your eyes.

List of Dreams: Dream on Forever

If you know me you know that live off of dark chocolate and especially Dove Dark Chocolates. And in each tiny chocolate, as you unwrap the wrapper, inside is a small message and today it particularly caught my attention. Also if you know me, dreams are incredibly imporatnt to me and I believe that dreams shape who we become and show us our true selves. So when I saw on that wrapper today: Make a list of your dreams, I realized that I really needed to do that. That my dreams will only become real if I realize them and make them real. So here it is: my list of dreams.

1. Live in Paris for a year
2. Marry a man I love with no reservation (I have an idea of who)
3. Get married in a small, intimate ceremony in simple vintage, antigue dress with the aisle covered in white rose petals
4. Travel after I get married
5. adopt a dog and name it "Paris"
6. have a townhouse/apartment on a riverfront in some city (doesn't have to be Portland)
7. find exaclty my faith (something I'm strugglingg with right now)
8. write a book and publish it
9. be taken up in a hot air balloon over Paris
10. stand in the rain and think of nothing else at all, just take in the magic of it all
12. to witness a miracle
13. to look back on all my years and smile rather than keep regret
14. to have a beautiful house someday with a desk overlooking some sort of beautiful scene where I can sit and write anytime I want
15. to write something that means something true to someone
16. that my writing changes someone's life
17. to finally buy my Audi TT convertible
18. to have a small cottage at the beach that I can escape to when I need some time away
19. Keep my relationship with my aunt: she is so important to me even though she needs a little help sometimes
20. Watch my brother grow up
21. to keep dreaming
22. to meet Kobe Bryant
23. Sit at a cafe in Paris with my husband and just smile at him over a cup of coffee
24. to see the Eiffel Tower lit up at night and be kissed in the moonlight
25. to live happily ever after for the rest of my life with the boy I fell in love with at 18

dissapointment

P.S. this isn't about Nick

You know in some aspects, guys are a lot easier to be friends with than girls: no drama, no pressure, just easy going and hanging out. But in other ways, friends that are guys can be overpowering and flat out jerks.. such was my experience tonight. A guy I would consider a very close friend blew me off in front of his buddies and you know what I really wouldn't care because I kind of expect that from him anyways, but I took the time tonight and gave up doing other things to be somewhere for him. So I guess what I'm saying is this: friends should stick up for you, and I would expect a little more from him. Sometimes boys and men I think feel the need to be "men" and go to overboard in their emotions which leads them to be jerks and then lets others down around them. I expected him to stand up for me tonight, I felt like we had the sort of friendship where he would stand up for me or protect me if need be, and that was not the case tonight... so anymore I don't know. I guess every girl just has to fend for herself and try to overcome the domination some friends set forth.... it's a shame... he dissapointed me tonight.

~cmart

Togetherness Isn’t Hard for Us

Baby... this is for you. You are my one and only, I miss you so much and love you more than anything! I miss you already!

I miss his voice already.
It’s been a few hours since he left,
Since we drove our separate ways
Both to family, both from love.
Why can’t we be as one?
Togetherness isn’t something hard for us,
Being apart is killing me… I miss him.

I miss his touch already.
Those hands that caress my skin,
Fingers running through my hair like
An arm to the wind on a stormy day.
That touch makes me live,
Makes me dream of our life together.
Loving isn’t hard for us,
Being apart though, is killing me.

I miss his face already.
His love, his smile, his things all over my apartment,
Yoda sitting beside Trinity,
Loving like we know how to.
I miss being with him,
Even when we’re not talking,
Just him beside me cures me, saves me.

I miss him already.
Togetherness isn’t something hard for us,
But being apart… is killing me.

Echo

Are you listening to
the gulls that fly into the sea;
waves that tie our throats to words
said and yet, unspoken?
Keep me in your voice,
may I echo who you are.
I never wanted to live
forever. I never wanted to love
or speak or see you.
But I did glide into you. Finding
ears to hear, echoes to capture me
in millions of caves: dark, dead, immense.
Saving me while living as you,
loving me while wondering how to love at all.
 
We wandered together after the echoes
drowned out; we learned to love together.
I never wanted to touch love.
My fingers never real when it came too close.
Touch now is no echo, but screams of devotion,
blatant shrieks of allegiance
to the waves that silenced our words
and tied our throats in knots.
Our words fled the shore, lost, estranged.  Unspoken
but still heard through those lost echoes
I hold on to still. 
Fragments of love we had,
love that saved me, while struggling to hold on at all.
We loved and saved our words and ourselves.
But are you still listening?

flaws

I'd do anything for you at this point in time.
You know that... you always have;
why do love me? how do you love me
like you do? am i not flawed... broken at some
parts.

I've sat for hours staring at a river that
moves ever so gently but changes me
somehow. it moves inside of my heart,
inside my very spine.
I sit on that bench, hearing music inside my mind
as the wind pushes me in life.

I'd do anything for you at that point in time.
You know that... you always have.
so how do still love me the way you do?
i wish i knew... I don't deserve all your love, too
much is given to me... taken from others.
am i not flawed... broken?

keeping the passions...

Today I realized that I was writing not to please myself anymore. I realized that through this new writing class I took, my writing has had to change and anymore, I'm not writing because I want to or because I'm inspired by it. I am writing to prove a point and to be as good as everyone else. Poetry should not prove a point, it should give options but should not be cut and dry.
Poetry should not have to be as good as someone else because that's like saying one person is better than another. I realized today that my writing style changed to fit a standard, that's not right or good. So I am taking a stand, I am proving my point when I say that my poetry is mine, no one else's at all. I am taking back control and writing to write, to clear my head and say what I want to say and how I want to say it. So don't give me crap about how it's not "poetic" if the lines are too long or it's not precise enough." I don't give a damn, I write because I can't not write, because I love it so much and because it clears my head when all else is helpless. If you're a writer or whatever your passion is, do it for yourself and don't change to meet someone else's standards. Do what you love to do and do it with heart, don't lose it to someone that never cared in the first place.