punishment

What happens to those women who make one mistake that changes their entire lives? What about that one moment that could decide their future, to keep it or lose it? And is is right that anyone can judge them for doing it? One thing is for sure... experience sure makes a difference, it shines a whole new light on the situation and lets you see what would happen if it were you and you were in their shoes.

If you haven't known what I'm talking about, I'll clue you in. Abortion. The ending of a biological life. And whether you are for it or so completely against it (which most people that are have never been in that situation) hear me out. Think about it... think about those closest to you that have experienced it or have been close to experiencing it.

Out of my family and close friends, several have found themselves in this situation. The moment when you have to decide whether life is ready to hand you something else or whether you're not ready, which there is nothing wrong with at all. I will say right now that you have no idea what's it's like, the anxiety of even it being a possibility but knowing it;s the only choice you can make. I do know personally and very well a few people that have had the choice in their lives: one being a woman that I love so much and that is my best friend who was faced with the choice and knew she had no other option. The other being one of my best girlfriends in high school who was faced with the possibility of it and ended up coming out alright without that choice having to be made. And finally one of my best friends in college who was faced with it as well and to this day, I'm still not sure about what happened in that office.

The thing that no one understands is that sometimes (actually a lot of times) there is no other choice. There is actually no choice at all. There is one option in front of you. One moment when you can look in the face of shame and guilt and grasp it as tight as you can and still make that choice, knowing that you'll have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it is a serious decision to be made, but in the end, no judgement should be passed because ultimatley that woman will live with a scar that will never fade away for the rest of her life. Is it so hard to help her heal instead of punishing her for something she's already punishing herself for every single day of her life?

restoration

Why do our flaws define us? Why does what we do wrong reflect who we are? And why do honest people get the blame an become what they are by the flaws in their lives? Whey do we sin? Why do fall away from faith? And it only gets harder as the years go on and we grow up. I pray that someday I'm not where she was tonight. I pray that I will be strong enough, that my decisions are right and that I'll always be stronger than the sins that face me.

Why does faith have to be such a struggle? Faith in another person, in God, in love? Why can't it be easy, why can't we have it and never let it go? Why is it so hard to be talked out of it or lose it after one small incident? But on the other hand, it can be brought back at any moment, it could bring you back to the life you've always wanted and restore every bit of doubt to faith again.

When do our flaws control us? When do they become who we are? When does sitting up in the middle night missing him become reality for when he's here? God, I miss him.

Somehow though, I'll fall asleep tonight dreaming of his arms aroundd me and holding me tight. He is my strength, my faith, my devotion and in him, my flaws found away (hopefully.) God I miss him and I just want him back here holding me tight and restoring every bit of faith that I have lost.

fabulousness

There are moments in this life when you know in one instance that everything is right. When a goodbye kiss only means a few days because you konw the worst is already over. When watching him drive off doesn't mean he'll be gone for three months, it's only three short busy days. And after all we learn from our time alone just as much (and even maybe more) as we do from our time with those we love.

*so, here I am, laying in this bed that you left only such a short time ago and already I miss you. But love, we'lll be fine, we'll be brillant because it's not three months you'll be gone. It's just a very short busy three days and this is your time to shine. You are brilliant and I'm sure "your fabulousness will translate" across state lines (hehe remind you of anything). I love you.... go get 'em!

"Missing You"

i miss the walks.
the morning coffee. the songs.

i miss them. the nicknames.
the secrets.

i miss the way he would look at me.
if only he were here.

i miss the friends. i miss the dad so far away.
i miss missing him. i miss the mother i used to know.
and the snow at christmas time.

i miss the family i used to be with always,
the friend who was always there.
i miss the only love i've ever known
when they're so far away.

i miss the memories that I thought would keep
me alive forever. i guess they won't.
i miss the simplicity. the freedom. the guessing. the moments.

i miss the yelling. the catch.
i miss the beach and all that comes with it.

i miss the singing and the ice cream man.
the playground games and the afternoons of doing nothing.

i miss time standing still. i miss the ideas of youth.
the days when it rained non stop yet we were still brave
enough to go out into it by choice.

i miss the simple crushes that had no reprecutions.
the days when i thought family would always be the same.

i miss knowing what would happen. i miss the mystery.

but then again, we all miss what we can't have again.
we miss what we get used to, and then it's gone.

i miss everything you do. everything we do.
so let's walk on and miss them all together.

we'll gain the strength we need to move on.

welcome

I got to thinking this morning about how much my life has changed. About how here I am, on my own, without an authority figure within 60 miles of me, it's me, it's my life, it's totally mine. I do what I want, I make my own decisions, I'm growing up and just short of leaving those teenage years behind me. Here I sit, in this apartment I love so so much and hold so dear to my heart, and watch the gray clouds move into the city. Today, the sunshine will disappear and bring the rain. The city will be in gray for the next few hours and the rain will cleanse every sin this city has so dreadfully committed. But it's with that rain that also cleanses us and renews us. It's the one or two hours a day that the rain prepares us for what's to come in the fall and winter here in this gorgeous northwest city on the river. THose few hours a day of rain and then sun, show us what we're in for, for the next 4 months. And I couldn't be happier sitting here this morning and writing, having nothing pending and watching the clouds move into my life as well as every other portlander today. IT's almost biblical how it prepares us for something bigger coming, for a new coming of rain, a new season of life. So here I sit and welcome it.... soon the skies above the towers will be gray, and I welcome it.

*********

this won't mean anything to anyone except me....


sometimes when you're ready to give it all up, everything you've gone through, everything you've put yourself out there for and after all the accomplishments are put aside and tucked away, it's the moments when you stand there and take all the pain, all the misery, all the dissapointment because you know it's those moments that make you a stronger person and everything will get better..... i promise.

old times

Today has been a lazy day for me and I'm not even sure why I'm feeling the way I am. There's something down deep inside of me that is off yet I can't quite lay a finger on it. This weekend has been an interesting one and one that has touched my heart. After hearing from my mother and how down she was, I decided to drive down and spend the night with her (she was all alone) and I showed up with flowers and a big surprise she wasn't even expecting. And seeing the look on her face and how excited she was that her little girl had come home for her, touched me so deeply. Spending the next day with her and feeling like it was those old times when it was just me and her when everything was so much less complicated.

Then on the way home I met a friend on the spur of the moment that I was missing so badly. And seeing her and laughing and giggling and just being our awkward selves, made my day and again made me miss those old days when nothing was so complicated, when nothing meant anything except an afternoon of fun and laughs and good times. Sometimes we want so badly to grow up that we forget about how life used to be and it takes moments like those I had this weekend to remember what that feels like to just enjoy life. To see the smiles on our own faces again and remember what that felt like. And while we still have to grow up, we can still keep that little light childish smile that reminds us of so many good memories that we'll never in our whole lives forget.

my true loves

I love.....

.the boy who would do anything for me
.this gorgeous city, rain or shine
.tiny parks throughout the city that could calm me any time i need
.the riverfront
.writing
.a good pumpkin spice latte
.the rain, constant and steady
.watching sex and the city all day and crying over and over
.evening walks
.gelato
.Paris
.being surprised with pink roses
.being alone
.dreaming of where i'll be in five or ten years
.pink
.going to school and enjoying it
.meeting new people
.painting
.the fall and winter
.wearing gloves and scarves and hats
.reading when i have time
.accomplishing something big
.talking on the phone with my aunt
.family dinners
.having my own place to do what i want with
.waking up next to someone
.beautiful artwork
.cooking
.traveling
.knowing exaclty what I want
.The OC
.seeing a friend I haven't heard from in forever calling my cell phone
.driving with the top down
.driving over the bridge and seeing how truly beautiful this city is
.listening to my ipod as I walk downtown
.shopping
.diet coke
.putting together an outfit that is so brilliant
.reading magazines
.and eating dark chocolate curled up on the bed just relaxing until the day is done

wedding bells

There's a tear in my eye tonight as life is opening up before me. It's unreal how fast time flies and what happens in that time. My best friend, the girl that's always been there for me, is getting married. She's engaged and I am so proud of who she has become. I'm proud of who he has become as well.

Let me just say there has been a lot of rough times between us, a lot of struggle and heartache, but there have been so many good times as well. There are not enough words in my heart to express how happy I am for her, what an incredible journey is ahead of her, and how much life has yet to offer her.

I had my doubts, as everyone did, but I always trusted her. I always knew she'd be that friend I needed, and though she made some rocky decisions, she came through for me always, she made me proud to call her a friend.

and in the end, i feel like a proud mother wishing her daughter away on her wedding day. Lyss, I'm so proud of you and congratulations. You deserve this so much and I can't wait to celebrate this with you, girl to girl, friend to friend, bride to maid of honor... and I feel so honored to recieve that position.

congratulations from the bottom of my heart... I love you girl!