rubbage

The leaves have turned to dust. I guesss I have as well. Moments last too long on the golden highway home, and love hurts as its scent lingers in the air. The love that should be in my arms, should be in my soul and my fingertips. The leaves are gone now, washed away with the golden blackened rain and the skies are constantly moving in and out. I suppose my life is like those leaves, once golden, full, brooding toward the home I loved. Anymore, I am not golden leaves, but washed aside roads as the winter comes into salvage what's left of the rain. One moment I was there, silent, golden inside that home that held me close. Now they find me as the dusty rubbage tossed to the side of the road, not worth the time spent to clean them up.

morning

As I turn your face is there,
your eyes are deep and enduring,
like tornados right there on my sheets.
Your hue is almost comforting, just a little more
and you'd be tan.
You're head asleep on the pink makes me safe,
makes me sane.
Waking up, seeing you and curling into your arms
is the safest place I've ever been.

As I turn your face is always there,
next to me as always and comforting as always.
Thank you for loving me,
I never thought I'd be loved like that.

needy

if you know my whole heart,
love me with all you have,
then why aren't you here?

dont you know all i want is to be loved
dont you know that all i need is for you to stand on the corner
in the pouring rain and say you love me,
no more excuses,
no more words of trying or changing,
just heart felt love,
just a moment between you and me,
just one second standing in the pouring rain kissing me.

but i'll never have that,
obviously that must be too hard for someone to do.

why aren't you here,
at the time i honestly really need your love?

Two Loves

I have two boys in my life that mean everything to me. Two that are the closest things to my heart, and two that I would do absolutley anything for. One of them is two hours away from me tonight, one is right here next to me on the couch. Though the guess of who is who is the opposite of what you're probably thinkin right now.

The love of my life, the boy I see myself with years from now, the one who knows more about me than anyone I've ever met. The boy that loves me unconditionally and would give anything to make me happy, the boy I love with everything I have and that I miss everyday when I'm away from him, he is two hours away from me tonight.

But for one reason only: the other boy in my life, my little brother, needs me more tonight. I've never seen him like this, and I know inside his heart is just breaking. I know that inside his soul is dying, slowly as his foot hurts more and more. He is my priority right now... he is healing.

There are two boys that I would do anything for in my life. Two boys that, without them, I would never be the same. To my love, you are the reason I wake up each morning, the reason I go through the days to see you at the end of them. You are the reason I smile and the reason that I live. You are truly a dream come true and I couldn't ask for anything more. To my brother, you will get better I promise. You will make it through this, you will succeed and be back out there in a year from now. You will do it, I know your strength, I know your courage. You have it in you, it might just take some time.

To both of you: I love you both to the very depths of my soul.

not my own

It's this time of year that it hits me harder than any other. It's now when I remember how it used to be, when it seems like it was a million years ago. It's now that I find myself wishing I had a childhood again, wishing what happened, never would have. It was that year that my life changed, that year that the family I'd always known and loved changed, forever. I wish I would have fought it harder, I wish I would have told him the hurt he caused me face to face. I wish I would have let him see what he was doing, because caught up in the moment, he had no idea what he was doing to us, to me. His only daughter, his eldest child lost her childhood that year. It was in that one decision, that the family that had always been so close, seperated so far away, never put back together again.

And while it's how many years ago now, this time of year, I want the family I always had. I want the family that I grew up with, (they're so so different now). Nothing is ever the same as you grow up, but at least most get to go home to where they grew up for the holidays, see their families where nothing has changed, see their friends. I go home to nothing but a foreign house in a strange city to a family that is not my own anymore.