in my own time~

Insecurity is a large, overwhelming word in itself, not even mentioning the feeling it portrays. And at this age, when I am not a little girl anymore, but not really a woman yet, it's hard to accept who I am, how I look and the reasons why some things happen and some things don't. Like most girls my age, and ages younger and older, insecurities are something that are a constant factor in every day life. And for the first time in my life, I am making this known to all that are close to me, for the first time in my life I feel like I can tell people that I have insecurities just like everybody else. There are things I hate about myself, parts of my body I am uncomfortable with and parts of my life that I feel insecure about.

Those things are a part of me, they always will be, I just have to learn to deal with them, which is perhaps the hardest part. I think much of the time, like everyone says, that people don't even notice the little things I do or react to them the way I do. But that doesn't matter, I still see them, I still feel them, I still have to deal with them. WHen they say, don't worry about it, it only makes it worse because then I do worry about it. Then I do focus on it when I see myeslf in the mirror or worry about what other people think. It's something that I have to work on, something I need to do on my own. You have to realize that every time you turn me down, every time you make a joke about how I look, everytime you say something I take it personally, I take it to heart, I take it as you noticing a flaw. And the thing is, I have to get over it, I have to deal with it, but I have to do it on my own, and without anyone's help. But you have to realize, I will always have some aspect of it, I will always hate part of myself, or be worried about if other people are noticing it too.

Insecurity is part of me, part of life... i just have to deal with it in my own way, in my own time...

Sanity

Tonight, there is hope for the lost,
sincerity for the unkind-hearted,
shelter for all those without.
Tonight, there is a moment for the restless,
a star through the clouds,
a drink for the thirsty and food for all that hunger.

Tonight there is hope,
tonight there is a moment to simply sit and relax,
to find peace again after the storm has blown through.
Tonight, I am me again,
i have hope again,
I am sane again.

overwhelmed and scared~ welcome to my moment

We go through life just hoping to make it to the next milestone. Hoping that our weddings will truly last forever, hoping that the person we fall in love with at 19 is the person that will make us smile for the rest of our lives. We meet people and then lose them, we lose people to death and to distance and tears, so many tears will fall from our eyes as we go through our lives. Even here and now, tears fall from my own eyes, not quite sure what mourning they are taking but sure enough that it all means something. We get in routines, in ruts, in times when tears are all we have. And we have to let them fall... tear drop stained pages of our lives are what will make the most impact in the time we have here.

I am the lucky one, I am the one that truly has nothing to complain about, though I've had my fair share of tears. I've never lost someone to death that I'm extremely close to, never watched someone leave our realm. I know of those that have lost brothers to accidents, boyfriends to stupidity, girlfriends to something totally out of our control, mothers and fathers to sickness, friends to drugs, alcohol and so much more. And I can't imagine the hurt it would cause me, the pain that I would endure by losing someone close to me. I don't think I would make it through the same as I am, I don't think I could handle that. And every day that something reminded you of them would kill you all over again. I honestly don't think I would recover, I don't think my eyes would be able to even cry anymore, for even that emotion would be too overwhelming to me.

And then we come to talk of the end. The end of life, the end of a love, the end of an era. Tonight, something ended, something that had a great deal of meaning to me. Something that has many memories rooted in my past, friends I've lost both to distance, contact, and to greater things like drugs and lives that are rocking on the edge. Tonight, it is not just a tv show that is gone, tonight it's an era that is gone forever. Tonight, something that I remember growing up to is gone, something that I could relate to, something that so many of us could relate to is gone. It's almost as if I lost a friend tonight,

But then again, life goes on. Sometimes we find that the ending is also a new beginning... sometimes that boy we fall in love with at 19 really is the one we will want to spend the rest of our lives with. Somtimes the people we lost become more a part of us than those that are around us. Sometimes all we need is to cry a little, give a little and then move on. Sometimes life gets too overwhelming and there's no one to hear our cries for help. Sometimes we need to just breathe, slow down and stop for a moment. And as a very smart character named Carrie once said," I've done the merri go round, I've done the revolving door, I've finally found someone I want to stand still with. Will you stand still with me for a moment?" So here I am, asking the same question,

"Will you keep me as I am, hold me tight when I cry, and love me no matter what? Will you take a moment to stand still with me and hear my cries?"

I love you... and I hope you can always love me too.

just remember....

Sometimes life can get a little overwhelming. Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves and behind in our lives, let chaos overtake us instead of enjoying the moments. So here's a few little reminders of amazing things we encounter every day:

.there is nothing more beautiful than the first sign of spring
.a giggle with a friend can mean more than anything else
.you have to realize, this is just the beginning of another day
.you have that choice to take every chance or let it pass you by
.there is always tomorrow
.having someone to love is the best feeling in the world, thank them for loving you when you get a chance and appreciate them for who they are and what they do
.a weekend with a parent, brother or sister, family member that you haven't seen in a while will mean the world to them just to spend time with you
.remember, someone always has it worse
.and someone will always have it better
.there is no need to know everything that happens behind closed doors, let it be and move on
.learn everything you can, life is one huge classroom with teachers coming in and going
.what you have, be thankful for it
.sometimes all you need to do to relax and slow down, is to read your favorite poem or quote and remember, those people had it tough too
.remember that this is the not the end, but while we're here, we might as well make it worth while
.sometimes, one song can make your day special
.life is so short, don't rush it along, as much as we'd all like to
.spend your money on things you want, but don't go overboard, keep yourself grounded
.spend a night with girlfriends, wine and sex and the city and you'll realize how lucky you are to have friends that make each day special
.take a break from school or work one day, and do something you want to do
.when you are someplace you will never be again, take a mental picture and go there in your head every few weeks when you're stressed
.keep dreams going throughout your life, even if you might never achieve them
.don't be afraid to love someone that might not love you back, remember: they are the ones missing out
.get excited about small things, you'll be happier in the end
.try to overcome issues about your body, someday you'll look back and think, "damn, i looked good."
.remember that intelligence is something that no one can ever take away from you, embrace it and use your brain
.when you find someone in your life that you love, don't let them get away
.there is nothing better in the world than having friends that know everything about you and that love you anyways
.there is nothing wrong with being a little immature sometimes, but sometimes, is the key word
.when someone asks you to dance, take the offer
.if the oppurtunity arises for you to accomplish your dreams, take it with outstretched arms
.keep your morals in mind, but don't let them overcompensate
.find something you believe in, whether it be faith, religion, love or anything else, and hold on to, it will never let you down
.when someone needs help, help them... sometimes just a smile will help someone in ways you didn't even know possible
.tears are the way God made to have our emotions shut off and reboot... cry! it might ruin your makeup, but it will cleanse the soul
.laugh!
.remember the past is the past, you are the way you are because of it, but it has nothing to do with where you are now or are going
.chocolate can cure anything, from emotional break downs to a day gone all wrong
.do the best you can on everything, you never know when it might be your oppurtunity for something else
.love with all you have, laugh every day and smile becasue today is a miracle and it's worth it...

Together~~~~

Here I am, the same feeling I always get when I'm here: alone, worthless, a ghost in their new lives. I am home this weekend, well home meaning in my parents new house in their new life, with nothing of mine except the few belongings I brought with me. And all I can think about is how I want to be at home, how I wish I were with him, laying beside him, watching our show together and cuddling underneath the abundance of blankets. I miss him. More than anything.

Here I am again, feeling nothing familiar, in a cold house, with a distant mother, father and brother, in a life I never knew surrounded by people and places I never knew but must endure anyway. I miss the familiarity of him, I miss the long evenings doing nothing, the days when we could run errands and be together. I miss you my love... more each and every minute that passes. You have been on my mind and on my lips all night, speaking of you, thinking of you. I should feel secure at home, yet all I feel when I am here is a need to be with you, a need to be back at my home, at our home, together and a need to feel safe in your arms, warm in your embrace, and needed in our life together.

why them?

It seems that lately in life there are things happening all around me. And lately especially, those things are making me wonder when I'll be able to have that, when my life will be able to be like that. My closest friends are one by one moving on, making futures themselves, they are getting married, having kids, moving in with their significant others. They are making choices that I wish I could be making. And while I know that I am in no way ready to get married, I am ready for that next level of commitment. I am ready to do it on my own and to make decisions together, to become more a part of each other's individual lives. I wish so badly that I could, everyday I wish that I could find a way around it, that my parents wouldn't be so against it, so neglecting of it.

My whole life I've done what's expected, I've followed the rules, I've done everything right, gotten good grades, made good decisions and did things to the best that I could, so why is it now they don't trust my decisions? Why is it now they put the foot down, now that they decide I can't do that or they shut me off? It seems ironic, for after all, why did I do it all those years to please them if it has no pay off in the end?

I feel so much like those friends are passing me by, that they are getting to experience things I might never experience or that might be a long time until I get them. And I could not be happier for them, I couldn't express my enjoyment more in hearing their stories, how life is for them. But somewhere still, in the back of my mind, I feel like I might miss out. I feel like I am missing out, like they are moving on quicker, better. I know I'm young, I knkow I have a lot of growing left to do, but why them and not me?