my love.

Here tonight I suddenly remember what it was like to fall in love, what it was to experience everything for the first time and to truly realize, for the first time, that you might have found forever. Three years ago almost, I looked into your eyes and I knew that something would change in me, that something was changing me forever. There of course were the little ways to show affection, the surprises, the nights spent over, the dinners out, the monthly anniversaries, the little moments of getting lost in your eyes. It's funny how love changes over the years and how surprises turn into repetition. I guess what I'm finally realizing is that though love might change, it does bring with it new surprises in each new era. I am finding here, now three years into this love I've found that though both of have changed, we have also become closer to each other. It's in the dependance, the closeness in spirit that we have grown into the couple we will become.

It seems to some that love fades and that the love dissipates, when in fact it never does, it only grows stronger with no need for physical encounters or signs of affection. Those are known between the two people and there is no need to show it off, for in our hearts, it is stronger than ever.

So here tonight my love, I am ready for a new beginning, for a new era to begin and for our hearts to grow even more dependent on each other. Our love has grown like nothing I have ever seen and while we have had to overcome changes and obstacles, we did that together and in our commitment, we will be able to withstand whatever life puts in front of us and we will grow with each new morning together, at that moment when I look over into your eyes and smile as I lay in your arms.

stop trying

Sometimes the people that are closes to us can't see what is killing us, sometimes they don't understand what is upsetting us. And here I am, once again on the outside of a world that I can't seem to break into, a world that you used to let me into,a world that you used to want me to be a part of. And here tonight, once again I feel so alone, so lost against this wall you are putting up with me. I have tried so hard to break into it to help you and to understand, but anymore, you won't let me in. Rather you stick up for those that I can't stand and rather than letting me in, you continue to push me away.

Today of all days, I need someone to talk to. Today of all days I needed you, today of all days, I felt closer with a boy I used to love, rather than you. Today I felt helpless, lost and alone and yet you continued to put up your wall and push me farther and farther away. Why must you push me away, when all I ever wanted was to hold you hand and be part of your world.

I'm so tired of apologies, of people telling me they are sorry. And if I learned anything today I realized that I am not going to put up with it anymore. Apologies might bring forgiveness but it doesn't make it okay. It doesn't end the hurt that it caused me.

Why can't you see that you continue to hurt me, that you continue to block me out when I need you the most? I don't know what to do anymore; I guess it's out of my control and I should just stop trying.

too late

I never thought my life would be where it is, I never thought that I'd be fighting these battles so young, so soon. My whole life all I ever have wanted was someone to listen, no one in my entire life has just listened to me, without judgement or opinion. All I ever wanted was someone to hold me at the end of the day without arguments or interruptions. I feel like that's all we are anymore, is arguments and interruptions. What happened to you? And maybe it's my fault too, maybe we're just not meant for this, maybe I failed you.

I have no strength left anymore, and it feels like I've been running for years on end with no break to breathe. I feel like nothing is easy and it's a struggle to smile at the end of the day. And here tonight I lay here on my own and while I should be sleeping after a long and exhausting day, I am here sitting up alone in the dark writing this, because there is no one else to talk to anymore except this computer screen who can't respond.

Life shouldn't be this hard this soon, there should be more moments of just smiling, more moments of just holding me without a word, moments that you don't need to argue with me, moments that just happen. Everything seems so forced anymore.

Why couldn't you have just listened and tried to understand. I'm tired of the excuses... I'm tired of it all.

Lay at my Feet

Do you ever have a moment to yourself in the most unique of places, in the most random of times, when you think to yourself, how happy you really are with everything in your life. You know, there I was tonight, folding stacks of sweaters at work during closing time, and in a moment, the song was right, I was laughing with friends, and suddenly I just smiled to myself because even though a lot is happening in my life right now, I am so happy with everything I have.

For so long, I was trying to hold on to everything the way that it used to be, the things we used to do, the way my relationships with others and the people I was around. But suddenly I realize tonight that it doesn't matter what we used to do, because we have new places to go and new people to see. We have new traditions and we are changing each and every day. I have been so scared of what will come in the next few months, my parents are moving away to Hawaii, to a place I can't drive home to for the afternoon. A place that takes money and a plane and time to visit, a place that never will seem like home to me, and place that comes with risks. And while I'm so happy for them right now, I'm scared of letting them go that far away. I've always acted as if it didn't matter to me how close my family is, showing my independence I guess, but suddenly when I'm faced with this, it scares me a little and I know that when they leave, I truly will have to be adult and take care of myself. I've been thinking about all this for a while, so I'm glad that I can finally write it down and get it out of my mind. My parents mean a lot to me, and after all we've been through throughout the years, I respect them more than ever and I will miss them each and every day they are gone. Maybe I should look at this as a stepping stone, a new era for me and a new place for my heart to stand on its own for a while.

All this is also making me realize how special Nick is to me and how much our relationship is molding us for our futures and our adult lives. Everyday I smile because here we are, two and half years older, stronger, and more mature than we were at 18, young and in love, having fun and creating all those firsts that I'm so glad got to happen with him. Here we are, still together when so many friends have come and gone, family stayed and left, school never ending yet flying by so fast. And together we have already overcome so much, together we have cried about lost loved ones, friends that have not been so good to us, and the troubles of living on our own, getting overwhelmed and with all we have to do to be the people we are. But in the end, I would not want to go through all of this with anyone else, and in him, my life suddenly is not just mine anymore, it's ours and it's about the both of us. I can't wait until the day that I walk down the aisle and see him at the other end, but I also know that for now, I cannot get married at 21, nor can he. And I am finally seeing that as something that defines who I am and its not for me. I am too ambitious to do that now, and we are still kids at heart, kids who fell in love and experienced so much together, and that in a way, grew up too fast, not by choice, but by reality.

Life presents itself in ironic situations. And I guess, the point of this blog was this: I am so content with my life right now and while the next year brings a lot of new challenges and changes, I know that it will all work out. It will all find a way to work because no matter where I go or what happens in my life, I can always come home at the end of the day and see the boy I fell in love with at 18, grown up now into the young man he is becoming and know that all is okay, as long as I can hold him and that he will be beside me when the hardest challenges lay at my feet.