Lay at my Feet

Do you ever have a moment to yourself in the most unique of places, in the most random of times, when you think to yourself, how happy you really are with everything in your life. You know, there I was tonight, folding stacks of sweaters at work during closing time, and in a moment, the song was right, I was laughing with friends, and suddenly I just smiled to myself because even though a lot is happening in my life right now, I am so happy with everything I have.

For so long, I was trying to hold on to everything the way that it used to be, the things we used to do, the way my relationships with others and the people I was around. But suddenly I realize tonight that it doesn't matter what we used to do, because we have new places to go and new people to see. We have new traditions and we are changing each and every day. I have been so scared of what will come in the next few months, my parents are moving away to Hawaii, to a place I can't drive home to for the afternoon. A place that takes money and a plane and time to visit, a place that never will seem like home to me, and place that comes with risks. And while I'm so happy for them right now, I'm scared of letting them go that far away. I've always acted as if it didn't matter to me how close my family is, showing my independence I guess, but suddenly when I'm faced with this, it scares me a little and I know that when they leave, I truly will have to be adult and take care of myself. I've been thinking about all this for a while, so I'm glad that I can finally write it down and get it out of my mind. My parents mean a lot to me, and after all we've been through throughout the years, I respect them more than ever and I will miss them each and every day they are gone. Maybe I should look at this as a stepping stone, a new era for me and a new place for my heart to stand on its own for a while.

All this is also making me realize how special Nick is to me and how much our relationship is molding us for our futures and our adult lives. Everyday I smile because here we are, two and half years older, stronger, and more mature than we were at 18, young and in love, having fun and creating all those firsts that I'm so glad got to happen with him. Here we are, still together when so many friends have come and gone, family stayed and left, school never ending yet flying by so fast. And together we have already overcome so much, together we have cried about lost loved ones, friends that have not been so good to us, and the troubles of living on our own, getting overwhelmed and with all we have to do to be the people we are. But in the end, I would not want to go through all of this with anyone else, and in him, my life suddenly is not just mine anymore, it's ours and it's about the both of us. I can't wait until the day that I walk down the aisle and see him at the other end, but I also know that for now, I cannot get married at 21, nor can he. And I am finally seeing that as something that defines who I am and its not for me. I am too ambitious to do that now, and we are still kids at heart, kids who fell in love and experienced so much together, and that in a way, grew up too fast, not by choice, but by reality.

Life presents itself in ironic situations. And I guess, the point of this blog was this: I am so content with my life right now and while the next year brings a lot of new challenges and changes, I know that it will all work out. It will all find a way to work because no matter where I go or what happens in my life, I can always come home at the end of the day and see the boy I fell in love with at 18, grown up now into the young man he is becoming and know that all is okay, as long as I can hold him and that he will be beside me when the hardest challenges lay at my feet.