in my heart

Sometimes I miss the desert so much it hurts. Sometimes I miss that sunrise over the gulf, the feel of the sands between my toes and knowing that I was in a culture so different than anyone even knows. Sometimes I will google that town just to remember it, just to see if again, and sometimes, just a memory is enough. Sometimes it's so hard to remember, when only just a few in my life actually remember it too. I will never forget the sound of ARabic, or the way it sounded driving over the causeway to Bahrain. I will never forget the smell of fresh meat cooking on the spits of the city sidewalks, and the way a fresh shwarma tasted. I will always have memories of fresh fish in the front yard, of Kentucky Fried Chicken separated into two sides, one for each gender. There will always be prayer-call burned in to my mind and I will always recognize a mosque.

The thing about it is, no one quite understands how much that place was a part of me and how much I miss it every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, but tonight for some reason, I miss that place so much where the desert met the sea.

all I need

Sometimes you just need a night alone, a few hours to sit and watch your favorite episodes of Sex and the City, to drink a glass of wine and to look at all those myspace pages of people you used to know. Sometimes a few hours just spent alone, with a blanket and a magazine can be the best hours of the week. It's been so long since I've had a night like this... and the best part about it... as I sat sipping my wine, watching Sex and the City, and curled up in a blanket, was that not only did I need a night like this, but that I'm not alone, not really, because right in the room next door is a great guy that knows that sometimes, this is all I need.

Here and Now

For the first time a long time, I suddenly feel a sense of calm, as if I have done all I can do in this drama within my family and I've tried to help how I can. And the one thing that I have held on to this whole time, is that ring on my finger, that ring that promises loyalty and trust, that ring that promises to be a living reminder of who I am and that one person that loves me.

For the first time since I received my beautiful promise ring from the one person that steals my heart everyday, I honestly know in my heart that what that ring represents, is more than I ever could hope for. And when my day is getting a little bit harder, all I have to do is look down at my finger and and that small diamond in the center of the band and know that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, I get to go home to him and fall in love all over again.

I am in no hurry to get married, and while many around me seem to be pushing toward that all the time, I am quite content with my promise and with the way my life is right now. I am too young to get married, and too stubborn to give up my independence just yet. And while in a few years I may feel quite differently, I am in no hurry to rush that part of my life. I have found him, I know that for sure and I know that I will walk down the aisle to meet him at the other end, but a few years won't change that.

I have found a beauty in waiting and in keeping this promise just a little bit longer. For me, for now, my promise is more than enough. Life is just beginning for me and my love is strong enough to hold on for a few more years. The truth is, I could wait my whole life and be fine with how it is now, being loved in the purest form, being loved for who I am, and with the trust and loyalty and love he gives me every single day.

sometimes

Here we are, all in this world together, just trying to figure out who we are and why we are here. And in that search, sometimes we just get a little bit lost, a little bit turned around in our web that we create. That search turns into heartaches, and lost loves, it turns into moments of doubt and moments of weakness. It becomes a loss of prayer and times when we feel like we are totally alone in this world. And sometimes, that search takes us so far away from what we thought we were, that we forget about who we used to be and the world we left behind when that journey began. We have to know through it all, that it's for a reason, that we are becoming stronger, but that does not mean that we inadvertently leave behind those people that have always loved us for who we are.
You know, I may be young, and I may not know half of what others know, but I do know how hard it is sometimes to be yourself. There is one thing that I will not compromise in my life and that's myself and who I've become. Sometimes we get so lost in the moments and the drama and how situations play out, that we don't look at who we are and what we stand for, because if we did, we'd act much differently. You have to have a little faith in those you love and those that love you. You have to balance the love you give and the love you receive, you have to balance family and other relationships. You have to find that mid way with who you were and who you will be, and you have to be both, because all your life others loved you for you were and others will continue to love you for who you become.
Moments like this are not about anger or hate or dissatisfaction. They are about loss and devastation and concern; do not mistake these for anger, for they are much stronger but also much easier to forgive. These are feelings of love, not hate and this was never about not loving anyone, never about that love disappearing. You know I've given a lot of thought to all that's happened, and through all the hurt and the heartache it's caused, there are still those moments that I smile remembering the good times we all used to have. And while we all should change and grow, we must find in ourselves who we really want to become when we grow and change and who we want by our sides. Family is only thing that will always be there, and family, however difficult or different they may be, are the ones that loved us first for who we were, and for who we've become.
Do not mistake loss for anger, or concern for hate. When we look at those moments that we've make mistakes, we must be able to admit we were wrong, admit that our ignorance has taken over a bit. Sometimes just finding out what you really want from yourself and from those around you will show you the truth in what really has happened, regardless of who said what, and who's done what wrong. Sometimes you just have to get past the pride, and kneel before all you've done. Are we really ready to give up those ties, those relationships, those friendships that we've spent so many years building? Are we hiding behind insecurities and pride to prove a point and disconnecting those relationships that we've had for years?
Life is too short for this, and it's too long too. While I have tried to stay on the outside of all of this, I can't help but express how much we are all hurting each other with the secrets, the arrogance, and the lack of respect. Does it hurt to give someone the respect they deserve, to acknowledge a mother is hurting for her daughter, to acknowledge that we've made mistakes and that perhaps someone else might be able to help us, rather than alienating ourselves from all those people that have always loved us for who always have been?