Conquered

Sometimes life creates a moment for us, a day where you feel like you're 18 again, or a week where life seems crazier than ever, but inside all you feel is calm. Sometimes, love will do that to you, sometimes, the answers all point to something that's been there for years, but maybe you're just seeing it for the first time clearly. I've come home a million times, but I've never quite felt this, never quite felt the moments like this before and it's like, suddenly, as life gets crazier and crazier, we just get better and better. It's like we're each other's calms, it's like in what we have we can smile and laugh at what we used to be, at how simple life used to be, at how simple we used to be.

We've been through everything together, we've grown up together and become the people we are becoming with each other at our sides. We have found love in the midst of taking the world on our shoulders and discovered dreams with each other by our sides. And no matter where I go or what I do, no matter how many dreams I chase, I know that in the end, it will be you waiting for me, with that everlasting smile, with that everlasting hope in something that we found three years ago as kids. And as we have grown, so has our love, so has our hope in each other and as we've both become people we want to be, we have found more about our dreams, and found a comfort in the familiar of each other.

So here tonight, before I curl up at your side, please know my love that your everlasting hope is what keeps me alive and what keeps me believing in us, in you, in me. And we are not perfect in every single way, but our truth and faith in what we have will hold on till all our dreams have been conquered.

Move on

Sometimes all we can do to stay afloat is take that next breathe of air. Sometimes those we thought had our best interests at heart, hurt us, and sometimes in order to take that next step, we must look to what is the most challenging, yet the best for ourselves. I can't imagine living my life and already having it planned out for me. Yet some live their whole lives knowing exactly what will happen, when it will and who it will be that fits perfectly into that world. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, until... until it starts tearing you apart, until you wake up one day and feel suffocated, reaching for that air that isn't there anymore. I guess it comes to a point, a crossroads where we must either choose that breathe of fresh air, something new and different and all on our own, or we choose to stay, in that life that will always be there, the life that never changes, the life where we always thought we'd be safe.

But in that safety, there is more heartache and it's stronger because it hits so much closer to home. That safety is dangerous, because when we get trapped in something that isn't of our own choice, or maybe it is, it creates this world in which we never experience anything else. It gets to a point where the bubble of that world can't get any bigger and if it does, it will pop and destroy everything that's been built. So we get scared, we get scared to move outside that bubble, to leave the safety net, to find out on our own what life really is. We get scared to move away, we get scared to say to goodbye to certain people that never really had our best interests at heart. We are scared to do what we want, because we're afraid of either what people will think or scared of failing at what we do. We are terrified to move on, because we're scared we won't ever find that safety again.

But we will, we will find a new kind of safety and a safer one. We will find different countries and different loves, we will find different passions and different dreams. And in these new and excitingly dangerous ideas, is freedom, is reality, is a better way.

differently

I have known two worlds my whole life,
and which one is my home, you may ask?
Which one do I love more,
which I do I connect myself to?
Which world is my own, which is who I am?

I have fought my whole life for a place far away,
for understanding of two faiths.
Would you think of me differently if I were Muslim,
if I prayed to Allah?
Would I be different if I wore the veil,
and would it change me or just how you all look at me?

I have lived my whole life with challenging ideas,
am I American or Saudi? Am I domestic or foreign,
Do I believe more in Islam or Catholicism? Do I have more faith
in my birth country, in a place where tradition tules all senses?
Or do I believe more in this country I call home now,
or is this just a stop on my journey back to where I began?

I have kept my faith in a feeling I miss,
in a world that I left long ago, but that defines all that I am.
Every day I swear I am Arab and American,
I am still walking along the Persian gulf and smelling that sweet breeze.
I am still that young girl, unsure of where to call home,
unsure of which parts of me are real.

who we are

Sometimes there are moments in our lives that we truly define ourselves, moments when you must just follow your heart, moments when you realize you aren't ashamed of people or of yourself and moments when everything falls apart but in the most beautiful way. There are moments that shatter your sense of love, your sense of self and your respect for those around you, but when the pieces can be put together, you become so much stronger, so much more ready for life.

For me, Friday was one of those moments, Friday was a day that challenged me, that pulled every tear out of my body and shattered everything I thought I believed in and was holding on to. Yet after the tears, after the thoughts, after the moments that brought me back to life, I finally realized that in these moments, we must stand up for what we believe in. It was such a defining moment, a second that I made that decision to believe in myself and no one else, to take my knowledge, my skill, my devotion and use it to the best of my ability.

It's in those decisions, those choices that take everything you have inside of you that make you a better person, a stronger individual and a more passionate human being. It's those moments when you feel like everything you've ever worked for is being burned in front of your eyes, when you stand up and take a stand and devote yourself to what you believe in, that you show who you really are.

trials.

Laying here in a beautiful hotel in Seattle, I suddenly can't sleep and I know exactly why. Yesterday, I found myself in a moment where what I believe in so strongly was shot down. And I found that I got so upset about it that I forgot to remember that it's my project, it's what I really want to do and it's what I believe in, no one else. It's something that I desperately feel is necessary and something that is crucial in our society.

I guess I've realized that I shouldn't have gotten upset, but rather pushed harder to stay with MY idea. And honestly, maybe it was good that the decision was made that way, because now I am stronger in my belief in my project and now I am ready to push everything past the limit for this project that I believe so deeply in.

It's important in life to follow your heart and maybe that means going against what people tell you is right, but if you know their wrong, I truly believe it's an obligation then to do what YOU think is right. Sometime people won't open their minds, sometimes they won't listen and sometimes, they are rushing so fast through something that there is no time to really stop and think about it, and the rushed decision becomes fact. For me, I'm not ready to give up on my idea because someone didn't have any time to stop and think about it, I'm not ready to give up on something that I truly believe in because of ignorance on any level or because no one really thought about all it could encompass. I truly believe that I can do this and that I can do it in a way no one else has, and that, is pure fact.

ever have...

In a mere moment, our lives merge or dissipate. In a mere moment, the same song can be played or a new one can be created with new chords, new notes. Sometimes I wish I would just step up to the plate and create a new song, but then again, sometimes, I just want the comfort of the old, rather than seeing all its faults. And I guess, this is just me. I am emotional and up and down, I am happy and terrified, I am restless, more than restless, I am unsettled. I haven't felt at home in three years, I haven't really felt at home since my tiny little apartment with pink walls, where it was all my own, where it wasn't just a place for living, but my own, someplace where I found ultimate peace, somewhere to escape. And in that little apartment, I found myself only to lose myself here in this place three years later. Well, I haven't really lost myself really, more like lost who I thought I was becoming.

I'm ready for jobs and careers, for traveling and responsibilities. I'm ready for the world and I'm ready to be a part of it and make a difference. I want to volunteer, communicate my ideas, and stand up for things. I want to put my ideas out there and I want to do what I love. And I worry that this same song that I've been listening to for three years, may hold me back from all those dreams, that the disappointments I feel now might stay with me forever and I don't want that. And I guess I need to make a decision, I guess I need to step up and find my own song or stay with the old one. I guess I need to decide if the old one is worth all the disappointments and the regrets. I find myself floating lately, giving up who I used to be for something that doesn't feel right. I find myself giving up so much and never having a moment to breathe alone or get a word in. I feel like all I do is the same thing over and over and I can't do it anymore, I can't stand it anymore, I'm feeling that it's not worth the words anymore.

So here I am, on the eve of my 22nd birthday, and looking around. My family is scattered around these days and the one person who I felt loved me the most can't seem to listen when I need him more than I ever have.