ever have...

In a mere moment, our lives merge or dissipate. In a mere moment, the same song can be played or a new one can be created with new chords, new notes. Sometimes I wish I would just step up to the plate and create a new song, but then again, sometimes, I just want the comfort of the old, rather than seeing all its faults. And I guess, this is just me. I am emotional and up and down, I am happy and terrified, I am restless, more than restless, I am unsettled. I haven't felt at home in three years, I haven't really felt at home since my tiny little apartment with pink walls, where it was all my own, where it wasn't just a place for living, but my own, someplace where I found ultimate peace, somewhere to escape. And in that little apartment, I found myself only to lose myself here in this place three years later. Well, I haven't really lost myself really, more like lost who I thought I was becoming.

I'm ready for jobs and careers, for traveling and responsibilities. I'm ready for the world and I'm ready to be a part of it and make a difference. I want to volunteer, communicate my ideas, and stand up for things. I want to put my ideas out there and I want to do what I love. And I worry that this same song that I've been listening to for three years, may hold me back from all those dreams, that the disappointments I feel now might stay with me forever and I don't want that. And I guess I need to make a decision, I guess I need to step up and find my own song or stay with the old one. I guess I need to decide if the old one is worth all the disappointments and the regrets. I find myself floating lately, giving up who I used to be for something that doesn't feel right. I find myself giving up so much and never having a moment to breathe alone or get a word in. I feel like all I do is the same thing over and over and I can't do it anymore, I can't stand it anymore, I'm feeling that it's not worth the words anymore.

So here I am, on the eve of my 22nd birthday, and looking around. My family is scattered around these days and the one person who I felt loved me the most can't seem to listen when I need him more than I ever have.