little left to give

Sometimes I sit here and try to remember how we used to be. Sometimes I try and pretend that I'm 18 again, and sometimes I look at old pictures of us to try and feel how that used to feel. These days, I feel in stages. I feel so happy for such a time and then again and again, I end up here again, feeling lost, betrayed, disappointed and above all, so deeply hurt, over and over again. I keep trying to convince myself that we're right, that our relationship is as perfect as it seems on the outside to all those people in our lives, but then inside, my heart is breaking each and every day, with everything that I put up with, all the little things that sting over and over again.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I still believe that we are those two kids that fell in love, but somewhere deep in my mind, I don't know that we are. Every time we try again, start over, begin again, there is a new hurt, a new disappointment. Each and every time you promise me one more time, one more chance, I give up another piece of the soul I have left. And each and every time, I have little and little left to give.

Until we see it again

You know, I can see the city through the trees again for the first time since last year. There is something so beautiful about waiting for this moment, year after year, when the weather gets cold enough, when the winter begins to form, when the leaves are gone from the trees that block the view. And so finally, once again, for three or four months, I get to see the buildings downtown through the tree branches that once hindered the view. And for these three or four months, I get to be who I am so deep in my heart and looking through that window makes me calm, it soothes me deep into my skin.

Sometimes we get so caught up in what we can't see that we forget it's there at all. Sometimes, like those full trees, there are blocks in the way, things that block what we need the most, that block and keep the most important things from us. Sometimes what we're searching for, we just need to wait for a few months until the leaves fall and we can once again see what we need to, what we're meant to see, what we are supposed to see. Sometimes when the leaves come off of the trees, it clears that view that makes us whole again, sometimes when the leaves come off, we see through to that person that we haven't seen truly for a long time.

Sometimes, we just need the leaves to fall in order for our view to come back. Sometimes, we don't know what we're missing, until we see it again.

*on the other end*

There are times in our lives when we know exactly what is going to happen next. There are things that just come sequentially and there are things that just happen without us having to work to make them come. And then there are times when life suddenly puts a road block in front of us and makes us switch it up and choose a different way to go. Suddenly, I am realizing that in just a few short months I will hit one of those obstacles and I will have to stop, change my path and start over on a new road.

And I think that no matter which way we choose to go, there is one important thing to consider: we must always follow the way that we know we want, the way that we know is the best for us, the way that gets us closer to our dreams. And that road may take you away from those you love, it may take you far from where you started and it may take you away from all that you know, but it will make you grow. It will give you a step toward something more important, a step toward creating your life, a step toward following your dreams and a step toward finding out more about yourself and in yourself, more about life and love and hope.

There are moments when we will be scared, terrified actually, or what will come when we take that next step. There will be moments when nothing makes sense and tears fall for those we left behind, but there will also be satisfaction and fulfillment. There will be joy and accomplishment and dreams come true. For me, I have a feeling that I will end up somewhere far away from what I'm used to, somewhere closer to my "Paris," both figuratively and physically. For me, I just have a feeling that in just a few short months I will be leaving this city in which I became an adult, in which so many firsts took place and leaving this place and all the people in it. I just have a feeling.

And while that may not be the case, if it is, it doesn't mean that I love these people any less, it doesn't mean that I love this city any less, or that I am leaving behind my life. All it means is that there will be a time for me to grow as a person, as a designer, as an artist. It will be a time for me to find a new way, to fulfill that ever restless spirit within me and a way to find out a little bit more about the person I have become. It means that I will be that much closer to my dreams and that I will have done something that I truly want, that truly is right for me, that truly means what it should mean.

We cannot be afraid of being afraid, we cannot be afraid of being alone, because I've realized that no matter what, the people that love us will always be there, and when we are finished chasing those dreams, they will still be there with open arms waiting to hold us at the other end.

A Generation

It's interesting the world we live in and grew up in. Looking back, it's amazing how different we are than the generation before us, how much we've helped to create and how much we're creating every day. We're the generation of Sex and the City, of Myspace and Facebook when it was only available to college kids. We're the generation that remembers when IMs were this new incredible thing and when the internet came into existence. We helped to pioneer the ideas of the blog, in which I am writing this tonight, and the generation that revolutionized the use of cell phones. We are the generation that has lived through two wars that stem from the same conflicts, and that have occurred in the same region of the world. We are the generation that are moving into the work field during the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression and the generation that elected a black president. We are the generation of The OC and LOST, the generation of text messaging and facebook status. We are the generation that has seen Britney Spears rise to stardom and then fall into whatever she is now, the generation that's seen Brad and Jen break up, the generation of Titanic, remember when we all went to that movie like three times. We are the generation in which communication is rather engaged in on the computer, and the generation in which a laptop is now the norm. We are the generation in which 9/11 occurred, in which airport security tightened and in which no one writes real letters anymore.

Our generation has seen so much, has lived so much and now is contributing so much to our future and the future of this world. We are the generation of touch screens and ipods, of dvd's and built in web cams. We are the generation that came out in massive numbers to vote in the presidential election and the generation that isn't afraid to believe in what we want and step forward into the world with two feet steadily on the ground. Watch out world, our generation is one like you've never seen before. Ours in one connected internationally like never before, ours is a generation with more at our fingertips that ever before and one that isn't afraid to go beyond those boundaries of generations before us. Ours is one of peace and hope, one of voices, millions of voices that are ready to make a difference.

Choices

Here we are, a nation that has elected a president that not only is living history but that is a man that truly has our best interests at heart. And yet, in this age of history, in these moments where we are creating what happens next, we still fail to give rights to some Americans just because of their sexual orientation. Here we are, in a world that won't let two people in love marry one another because they happen to be the same gender. I guess I don't understand what's so wrong with that.

And you may answer that religion plays a part, that it's not "Christian," that God frowns on that. And I would say, what happened to the separation of church and state? What happened to American's right to the pursuit of their own happiness? I would say, why is this hurting you, what bearing do you have on the situation, and by two people that love each other creating a commitment legally, what bearing does that have on you and your life? Is it not the will of God to accept others, to accept people as they are, without judgement or discrimination?

And here in this world where we can so wonderfully look to the future, look at a man that we elected to bring us into a new era of change, that we can look to our system and have faith in it once again, can we not let same sex couples exchange vows? Can we not let them have the same freedoms as the rest of us?

I will never understand how some of us feel we have the right to take away freedoms from others just because they are different, whether they worship a different God, or they dress a different way, whether they love men or women, whether their skin is a different color than ours. I hope that someday our country moves to a place where we not only believe that racism and prejudice is behind us, but that we move to a place where no matter who you choose to love, you may be allowed to commit your life to that person and have the same freedoms that I have.

*tonight: nov. 04, 2008*

Tonight I sat awaiting results from the most important election of our time. And once the news was posted and our new president took the stage to speak to our country, it brought tears to my eyes. Tonight marked a new era, a moment in which we took control of what we have lost for so many years. Tonight marked a day in our history that will be taught in schools, that will be taught as the day that our nation changed for the better, that it took a turn in which we are in control once again of our own nation and which the future will bring bright things.

And watching our new president speak, something he said hit me really strongly. He said, "I will always be honest with on what is going on," and for the first time in so many years of hearing politicians say that, I honestly believe that with President Obama, he is sincere in saying that and that he will hold true to that and to all else he is so bravely promising. As a young adult, I have to say that I have a very different set of values than other generations seem to have, and I have grown up with a different set of priorities for myself and for our country. And it's in those priorities that I find comfort in looking to Obama as our leader, it's in those values that I know in my heart he will uphold and believe in. I know in my heart he will believe in me and my generation, that he will acknowledge our strengths and use them to the best of our advantage. I truly believe that he is the change that we need, the motivation to succeed and the leader to bring about a new America, a leader to bring about a new world.

I know that many people still object to this man, to the new president of the United States, but let me say this. He, above all people, believes in us, believes in what my generation can do and what we have the potential to change. If nothing else, believe in us. Believe in the power we have, in the thousands of minds that we can put to use, in the millions of young adults that believe in a different way of life. Believe in us. Believe in our strength and believe that we have the power once again to change the world.

Tonight, tears came to my eyes as I watched our new president speak. And those tears were not from nervousness or anxiety, they weren't from sadness or disappointment. They were from joy in the purest form, and from hope. They were for the hope of new America, the hope of a man that stands for something different, and the hope that we can really change the world.