Barely Begun...

Sometimes there is a moment in which you realize that something is wrong. A moment when doubt fills your mind, and when you must make a choice between following your dreams and following someone you love. There are moments in our lives that make us choose and for better or for worse, it's those choices that define us, that create who we are and who we become. I think that sometimes, we hold on to what we know, what we thought we loved because we are comfortable and because we thought we were in love.

I am beginning to wonder what love really means, and how to answer the questions I am asking myself these days. I am considering what it means to really love, to really dream, and what it takes to move on and what that means in the long run. For me, dreams have always been something strong in my heart and mind, dreams are what have gotten me through my life and they are what drive me, what push me and what make me excel. They are my saving grace and my first loves, they are what make me who I am and what show me the most beautiful things in the world. My dreams encompass my faith, my goals, my loves, my memories and who I am: they encompass all that I am.

We are all here for a reason, and every step we take in life is set in front of us to make a choice, whether for good or bad, it's there for us to choose which we think is right and just. And when we feel something that we believe in, something that moves us, something that makes us think, it shakes us, it changes us and it makes us feel all over again.

I am not near the end of my journey, nor have I felt all the emotions I want to feel someday. I have not even begun to follow all my dreams yet, but be sure that I will, because when I leave this world, I will die with two things: my faith and my dreams accomplished. I am a girl of many traditions, of many faiths, of many dreams, and I am a girl that has barely begun...

Where I belong

My life is about moments when I have no idea where I'll be next. It's about knowing I'll only be somewhere for a few years, and then my restlessness will kick in. It's about holding on to the desert, and knowing I will return someday. My life is about knowing love will define me, it's about seeing my oldest friends and feeling comforted. It's about remembering what it felt like to have the sand against my skin and watching the palm trees sway in the desert wind. It's about family and knowing they will always be there, it's about friends that make you laugh. My life is about making decisions on my own and making them only for me, no one else. It's about making my own money and moving on. It's about outgrowing something and moving on to something else. My life is about cosmopolitans and dark chocolate, it's about movies that I could watch over and over again. My life is about lunch out with friends and a dinner at home. It's about balconies with views over the harbor, and embraces with people that make you feel real. It's about seeing someone you haven't seen in 12 years and feeling right at home with them. It's about feelings you have for someone when you're not sure if they feel the same way, it's about not knowing where I'll be in 2 years, in 5 or in 10. It's about watching family fall apart and then come back together someday, it's about a network of connections all over the world. It's about mornings in Hawaii and weekends in Portland. It's about being proud and it's about holding on to my faith when nothing else makes sense. It's about moments when something is so beautiful you don't think you could ever let it go, and it's about writing when I don't know what else to do.

My life is about first loves and lasting moments. It's about finding love in all the places I least expect. It's about drinks with friends and blankets on the couch. It's about moments that you never thought would happen and pink suitcases. It's about pink watches and the Eiffel tower, Morrocco and Cairo. It's about Ras Tanura, Saudi Arabia and the smell of sweet bread cooking in the outdoor ovens. My life is about never making plans and knowing that everything will work out for a reason. Its about waiting to see where I'll be and living it to the fullest. It's about knowing that someday I'll be standing in the desert again and I'll smile, knowing that that's where I truly belong.

Love Song

Suddenly tonight, it's all starting to hit me. And I believe that where I am going, where we are going is meant to be, I just wish it wasn't going to be this hard. I can feel the tears starting already, and even though I act so strong all the time, suddenly I'm not so sure that I'm so strong.

I always thought when I got to this point that I'd be so ready to run off into the sunset and chase all my dreams, that I'd be alone and in my own little world of fulfillment and achievements. But then there was you. And there was us. And there was love. For the first time in so many years, through everything we've seen, everything we've done and all that's been done to us, I love you more now than I ever have and I find so much peace and comfort in you and me, that I'm not so sure I can give that up.

You are the only person in this world that I can always count on, the only person that would stop whatever you were doing to hold me, and the only person that would drive back down the road to have lunch with me when I need you. And I am so proud of you and so proud of the person you are becoming, the man you are and the things you will accomplish.

I know in my heart that this is meant for us, that we have to overcome this next step to move on together with our lives. But I also know it will be one of the hardest years of our lives. So my love, I give you this: I will look down at my hand at this beautiful promise ring that sits on my finger every day and I will smile and think of you, and pretend that you are holding me when I need it most, and I will find comfort in the fact that you have my whole heart and that you always will.

I have so many dreams and so many goals for myself, but none of them are as important as we are, none of them are as real as we are and none of them make me as happy as you do. So as we sit in the next year or so with an ocean between us, know that I will be holding you in my mind every second of every day while we are apart. And as we live our own lives on each side of that ocean, as we chase the goals and dreams we have for ourselves, we will both know that no matter what or where we are, we will make it. We'll make it through to the other end and be stronger because of it, we'll make it because I wouldn't want to stand under the Eiffel Tower with anyone else or visit Cairo with anyone else, or smile at anyone else in Morocco and Tel Aviv. You are my dream, and that's good enough for me.

Blessings

As we sit here under the rain filled sky, under a rain that cleanses us with each new drop that falls, we realize that what we have in this life are blessings and achievements and in the end, nothing else really matters. After a very long day, filled with many things that tested my ability to go on, I sit here tonight, next to the boy I love, listening to the rain outside and counting my blessings. And as so much is about to change in my life, I can't help but hope that I am this lucky the rest of my life. I can't help but hope to have the friends and family and love in my life that I do know forever.

There are challenges each and every single day, there are moments when you just want to cry and run away, there are times when nothing goes right, when you hope it will all just go away. And then there are times when you don't think you could be any happier, when every wish seems to come true. There are times when you must take what you are dealt and make the most of it, and there are times when moments pass you by and when you wish you could get them back.

I have learned in my life that's been riddled with so many goodbyes to so many people and places I have loved, that things that are supposed to be in your life, will be. That the people that truly touch you deeply will always remain in your heart and while some may fade, they will always be there, they will always be blessings in their own way.

It seems that the past two weeks have been such an emotional rollar coaster for me, good and bad, hard and easy, challenging and rewarding, and yet here tonight I sit listening to the rain outside, knowing that whatever may happen in my life in the years to come, I will always have those people and places that keep me whole, the things in my life that I count as blessings each and every single day, and those moments that still take my breath away.

Rylan Todd Evans

Tonight my best friend from high school gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy and as baby Rylan entered the world, I realized something truly important. Whatever our lives hold for us, love will truly pull us through. Whatever this beautiful baby boy may go through in his life, he will be loved, by his parents, by his family, by his friends, by me. He will be loved deeply and without regret, without apprehension. He will be loved and he will know what it means to love someone else.

And someday he will fall in love with someone else, and he will find out that love in this world is rare, but always there when you need it. He will find that when you find someone to share your adventures with, when you find someone to pull you through the toughest and darkest moments of your life, it's the most important and lovliest thing in the world.

Tonight Rylan Todd Evans has become a part of this beautiful world and it will be through the love that so many will have for him that he will learn to love himself. It will be because he was loved from the very first moment he entered the world that he will find comfort and strength and love on his journey.

And so Rylan Todd Evans, from your Aunt Casey, know that I will always love you, that I will always remember the day that your dad sent me that photograph of you, that I will always be there when you need that break from your parents, and when you need some advice about that girl you're falling for. I love you Rylan and you are a blessed little baby tonight, welcome to our world.

Prayer to Allah

We live in a world at war, where religion is cause for fighting and death is often cause for joy, an ending to a helpless world. We live in a country in which the majority of the population couldn't draw a map of the countries in the Middle East, yet here we are, in a war with the Muslim world. We are a generation that has pretty much grown up with our country at war, in a country in which Muslims and the vast majority of Islam are viewed as terrorists. We are a country in which faith is coveted by many, and in which we preach "freedom of religious views" and "equality for everyone" yet Muslims are profiled out of a crowd because they pray to Allah instead of God.

And perhaps my views are tainted because I find just as much beauty and truth in a mosque and the desert as I do in cathedrals and the rain. Perhaps I have a tainted view because of my childhood, because I have a deep respect for the Middle East and it's perhaps a part of my bones, perhaps because it's a part of my heart and always will be.

But one thing I've learned is that just because someone prays five times a day facing east toward Meccah, instead of going to mass on Sundays, doesn't make them any more and any less than the rest of us. It doesn't make them a sinner or an outcast or the enemy. I have had the privilege of knowing many Muslims in my life and I remember as a small child, having a conversation with a schoolmate about the differences our religions posed. She, a Jordanian Muslim and me, an American Roman Catholic. I remember so vividly how she told me we prayed to the same God, whether called Allah or God, He was the same. She told me she believed in Jesus too, just not in the same way that I did. She believed, as Muslims do, that Jesus was a prophet, just like Mohammed, but not the Son of God. And two children, from different sides of the world could understand something that many in our world refuse to even today.

Our world is at risk from so much today. From wars, to climate change, to dissappearing species, to endangered natural resources, to overpopulation, to greed, and to fear. We are often so afraid of what we do not know, we view places and people in a way of creating tension within our beliefs so that we don't have to deal with all that is wrong. Someone asked me recently, "Is there anywhere in the world you're just afraid to go?" And after thinking for a moment, my response was no. And truthfully I can say, that there is no where in the world that I am afraid to go, because in each place, whether it is safe or not, beauty and truth and justice can be found. In the deepest caves of Afghanistan or in the Jungles of the Amazon, there are people out there working for the good, there are places that will take your breath away and there are beliefs there that are as strong as ever.

We are a society and a world that has still so much to learn, a place that every day, we must take on a new challenge and continue all the ones we've had thus far. Every day, we must wake up and take on a new day, a new hungry child in Africa, a new Israeli woman hurt in a bomb blast, a new young girl growing up in Saudi Arabia, struggling between faith and independence. Every day a new challenge, every day, stronger faith in whatever it is you believe. But we must remember that there is no cause to single out the faith of others, we are no one to judge, we are no one to say that our faith is stronger or more true than theirs. We must learn to see beauty and truth in mosque, synagogue and cathedral. We must hear the Arabic call to prayer and smile, knowing that even though we may not pray to Allah, at least faith is keeping us strong.

Stepping Stones

Sometimes life throws things at us, whether it the loss of two pets within a few short months' time or major life decisions that we thought we were ready for but weren't. It gives us challenges that we know we can handle, even though we might feel too broken to move on. I am a turning point in my life right now. Making choices that will change my life, my relationships and my future career. And with some sad news coming my way today, suddenly it all seems so much in perspective.

Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen in the next few years, with Nick and I going our seperate ways for the first time in 4 years, while trying to stay together. With my career beginning and the choices I will make on my own for the first time in my life, having my own money, my own success and my own failures, and all the things that I love about my life are about to change. All the little things we take for granted will soon be different and all the things that we always thought we'd have forever, will soon be gone.

It makes me think so much about how much my life has already changed in the past four years and how much it will change even more. And I guess that helps, it makes me understand even more, that what's important will stay in my life and what's not, will be gone. It makes me realize that the little moments matter more than anyone will ever tell you they do and that I will suddenly be on my own again, something that I haven't done in four years. It makes me realize how important family is and how important it is to remember those that have gone before us, and to follow on their journies.

Life is a full of stepping stones and this one that's coming is the biggest one I've stepped onto so far. This one that's coming, so close ahead, is one that will challenge me and make me a better person, it will push me farther and it will make me choose what I want and what I don't in my life. And that's it, this next stepping stone, is my life, no one else's this time, my own chance to change the world, to make the most of myself and to do it all on my own.

So today, as sad news is ciculating through my family, please think of me from time to time as I begin to step forward to the next stepping stone in my life as it will mold my years to come.

The State of Our World

Looking ahead I feel, like so many of us are feeling, the wrath of the economy. We are nervous and excited, we are beginning the next chapter of our lives in a time and an era with issues and challenges that we have never seen before. We are beginning an era of change, change in our personal lives as well as in the life of our planet, of our country and of the entire world. And as we begin a new time in our lives, we must remember that we can still make that difference. We can still love what we do and we can find a way to do it, amongst the strains that have been set upon us, most of which is not any of our own doing. We are placed in a challenge, set in the middle of a minefield and left to our own devices to escape and make something of ourselves.

We are suddenly thrown out in the cold, unaware entirely of what we are up against, still dreaming of a day when that email will come offering us something to take, some place to go, some job to grow into. We sit in our respective lives sending resume after resume and praying that someday, we'll find something that fits us, something that makes us happy, something that gives us our chance to make something of ourselves. All we need is that one person to give us a chance, to take a risk on us and for them to say yes when everyone else is saying no.

And so, looking ahead, I know that I will accomplish all I wish to and I know that I will find someplace that I fit, someplace that I love and a career that makes me happy every day. I know that I will, it's the time now waiting that kills me. It's this unsurity, the waiting for someone to contact me, for someone to tell me I am worthy of taking a risk for. We are joining the adult world in a terrible time, in a time that a faultering economy is weakening every country in the world, and where the job market is tighter than it's been in probably 20 years. So in this time of change and unsurity, let's come together and unite, fight this fight together and accomplish all of our dreams together.