The Ride

Sometimes I sit here looking out my gray framed windows, at the pearly gray sky and the changing leaves outside, the rain falling as a fabulous backdrop to the fall, and life just makes sense. When nothing else does, the fall also brings me back to who I am, the rain makes me feel alive, and I can't imagine life any other way. When I think that there might have been another path for me, all I have to do is look at this view, and look around my beautiful little apartment and I know that I'm home, that this is where I am meant to be right now at this moment.

I think that life throws you into situations to make you stronger, and that obstacles and disagreements might make you hurt, but in that hurt, that's living. Tears and smiles, and laughter, and heartbreak, that's all part of the ride. Emotions that we feel that we shouldn't, or that make more sense than anything, it's all part of who we become and what we do.

I am approaching a huge milestone, a moment between myself and the boy I fell in love with so long ago, a moment I thought I never wanted, a moment that I thought would tear us apart and a moment I thought would change everything. Well it has, it has changed everything already, but it's not the change I thought it would be. I never was the girl that dreamt about getting married, never the girl that wanted a family of my own, or a little white house with a picket fence. I've always wanted to be me, to hold up what I think is right and to my life the way I that want to, without criticism or doubt from anyone else. I have chosen a different path and I'm no better or worse for it, but I am stronger. I am stronger for standing up for something different, but afterall, I am different. I am someone unique, as we all are, someone that follows dreams and that only wants a life that's enchanting, that allows me to stop at moments in the rain like this and smile at the beauty around me.

I never wanted to get married, but in the end, there is no reason that I can't put my own spin on traditional vows. And when it really comes down to it, tradition is something I hold dear, even while I know that parts of me are not traditional at all. But it's the contradiction, the juxtaposition that makes me myself, that makes my life my own. So why should my marriage be any different, why should I lose sight of who I am, when I can make all my own and live my life with the man that lets me live the way I want, and all the better, with him by my side through the ride.

Everything I Should Want

It's that first fall day when it's cold enough for the winter scarves instead of the summer ones. And it's days like this that I dreamt of all last year, dreaming of being home in the fall, of being back with the one person who means more to me than anyone else, being home, feeling whole, feeling at peace. So why is it that here I am, all those things come true and still I am searching for more? Why is it that when we finally get what we need, what we want, that we then need something else?

I look outside today, at the cold blue sky, no grey in sight today, and I feel the cool fall breeze through the open window beside me, and I feel changed, I feel different than I perhaps ever have. I feel calm and suddenly at ease, I feel exhausted but ready to take on the next challenge. I'm at another point in my life where I don't know what comes next. All I know is that I know who I am, I know what I believe in and I know that I won't falter when it comes to what I believe in.

What I need to know is why all the things that we used to believe in together, are suddenly different? I wish I could go back and freeze us when life was so simple, when nothing really mattered except for us. I wish that the moments could bring us back again, and that all those times that made us who we became could somehow save us now.

I've made many mistakes and I've stumbled my way through all of this. And suddenly I don't exactly know where to step next. All I know is that I don't want to be like everyone else, I don't want a simple life, I don't want to go what everyone else does, and I don't want to make myself into someone that I'm not. I hope that the person I am is good enough for you, the person that I will always be and the things that I believe in, if they can be good enough for you then support is all I ask.

Today is everything that I should want, and pulling out that box of winter scarves should be enough to turn things around...

Always Feel Their Warmth

The rain is pouring outside and the moments are fleeting toward my next journey and I find myself thinking very much about all those people that aren't in my life everyday but that have had huge parts in my life. Whether it was for a week or years, so many made such impacts on me and my life. I remember the feelings I had when I was with them, I can remember exactly how I felt sitting next to them or growing up with them. I can remember exact moments when my world felt just a little bit different in a great and marvelous way. I remember all the lessons learned, all the moments that meant so much and the way it felt exactly to just be with them.

It's funny how life works, how the tiniest decisions can have such an impact on where we go and who we are. I'm a huge believer that everything is meant to be in some way or another and I have always tried to learn what I could from everyone, from every situation because I think that we don't meet anyone by chance, we meet people and they come into our lives for specific reasons, they are there to teach us about ourselves, to make us laugh, to comfort us when needed. They are there sometimes to just talk, or to bring out something inside of us that no one else can. They are there to show us another path, to tempt us, to push us, to make us succeed.

There have been many people in my life, many more than I could count that have done some of these things for me, but just a few have actually truly touched me in a way has changed me. Just a few have made a huge mark and it's those that I remember in my dreams, those that met me at a very crucial point in my life, those that revealed feelings to me I didn't know I had and those that made a huge imprint on my heart and my soul. It's those individuals that I am thinking of today. Those that will always be remembered however far away they are, those that I might never see again but that will always be in my heart, because while no one else may see it, I will always feel their warmth and remember the moments with them.

The Chase

I find myself completely inspired again today. I have so much ahead of me, and so much that I am so proud to have, so thankful for and so many dreams yet to live. I have all those dreams revived, and all those things to look forward to once again. I'll be back overseas in just a month, two whole weeks with the love of my life, in London and Paris and seeing the world and starting our lives all over again. I know I'll make it to all those places that I want to, that someday I'll be back living somewhere else in the world, pursuing all the dreams I have, chasing all those goals and keeping true to who I am.

Life is just beginning and I can't wait until I can achieve everything that I've always wanted to, when I can look back and say that I was excited with everything, that I loved greatly and that I lived to the fullest that I could. I am looking for different things in my life than others might be, and I'm chasing a different path, but either way, I know that's what I want, and I know that's what my heart holds. I know who I am and I will always be true to myself. I'm so excited to chase the dreams, the goals and that ideas in my heart and head and I can't wait to show the world who I am, and to live different places and look out at the rain wherever I am and smile because I am living and breathing and chasing those dreams that make me live.