my love

It's okay now, rest your head here next to mine.
You're here now, don't worry a bit my love,
you're mine, only mine.
Rest your mind here now, leave all else behind,
give me your pain, your strife and I will hold it
upon my own shoulders,
in order to shoulder the pain for you my love.

It's okay now, rest your head here next to mine, my love.
For you are my one and only,
the blood that runs through my own veins,
the heart that beats inside my own,
the man that completes everything my life is made upon.
You know my heart and soul,
my mind and spirit,
you know my body, my face, my fingers, my life.

It's okay now, rest your head here next to mine, my love.
For all that you need,
any that seem to burden your mind here and now,
give them to me my love,
let me shoulder your burden.

It's okay my love,
you're mine and I am yours.
OUr love is forever, for always, the impossible that we have
made possible.
It's okay now my love,
lay your head here next to mine and we'll watch the rain together.

best.... my best

You know that feeling when you feel like someone understands you? When suddenly they get everything you mean, when you can sit down with that person and talk and know that you can trust them and tell them anything and everything? Well I had that. I used to anyways.

He would listen. He would laugh and support me. He was the first best friend I had up here. The guy I could tell anything to and that I trusted more than any other friend I'd had in the past. He was the first one to know me as who I am up here, who I really am. He was the friend that I felt like would protect me. The friend that would be there whenever I needed him. He was the guy that would stand up for me, even though he'd poke fun at me when others were around. Inside, he always made sure I was okay. And I knew that, he knew that, we always had an understanding about that. I miss that.

It's hard when friends go away. When distance becomes an issue. It seems like for me, that's a repeating factor in my life. Girl moves away from best friends, moves half way around the world. Girl moves away again, leaves all behind again. Girl's best friend moves even farther away than she already is. Girl then meets new best friend and moves to a different school as does he. IT sucks to tell you the truth.

Maybe I'm not meant to have that friendship that you call up the other person and just hit up a movie or go to dinner or shopping or what not. Life's too busy I guess. It's crap if you ask me. We all just act too busy or put things off.

Anyways, I miss him but I'm afraid to admit it I guess. I'm safe with him, I'm myself with him and I'm at ease with him. I miss the best friend I used to have. Life was so much simpler a year ago.

*my rain*

Tonight the rain stopped.
It got dark and there was no one to come
home to. No one to run to, no one to smile at.
Tonight the moments stopped; confusion started.

The rain was my steadfast, my piece of stability
in this world of movement,
holding onto him was my way of living, my way
of life.

Tonight the rain's not here,
not next to me, holding me,
not moving through me,
I miss his touch, it's been gone way too long.
The silence I thought I needed is scaring me,
I'm getting lost in its vast expanse.

come back to me, you rain. Please rain.
You have always been my rain,
drop by drop by drop...

crushing the dream of a married life

Tonight I was encountered by something that I can't help get out of my mind. A girl I know, just on the surface really, nothing deeper, told me tonight that she had been married right out of high school and divorced four years later. That story struck me especially hard because she is not the first person I know that has been divorced and she is not the first person that I know that has such bitter feelings toward a marriage. Another person in my life that is very close to me had a similar experience, a woman that fell in love in college and married soon after, changing her whole life to fit his life. Hence, the relationship ended in a very messy divorce and because of this, she has a sincerely bitter view towards weddings and relationships in general. I think it's sad when someone's love ends and just because of their one bad experience, it ends their whole faith in relationships in general. Love is always different, there is always going to be a good relationship and a bad one, there will always be mistakes and wrongdoings on both parties, but as long as trust still remains on some level, however broken it may be, there is always a chance for that relationship to get put back together.

Life is too short to be so bitter over something that perhaps you weren't ready for, perhaps you didn't think it all the way through. Perhaps life just showed you another path other than the one you were already on and you took it, or perhaps the love just died away. No matter what happened in the past, there is always another chance, another try in your future. And while I have no idea what a marriage is truly like from the inside, I do know that any relationship takes work, and if there is still love left after all the harsh words have been said, then there is still hope.

quoting my mess

There's this quote that my grandma sent to me and I came across it tonight and it really made me think. It says "I believe -That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." And that struck me really hard tonight. For some reason in my mind tonight, there is something bothering me, something nagging at me, something that tells me something's missing. And I don't know what it is.

And here in these amazing country songs I'm listening to, all they talk about are these amazing loves that would do anything for the other person. Is that ficitonal, is that just something that happens in dreams, in fantasies and doesn't really exist? Is love something that we all imagine for ourselves in our minds and it will never live up to our expectations? Although somehow it has to be rooted in human emotions, though I am coming to think more and more that love is something that will never be a fairy tale, it will never make sense like it should, like we want it to, we will never understand it, we will never know it truly.

Tonight for some reason, I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders. I part of myself that needs fixing, but I can't find that part. And in this adult life, as I turn 20 tomorrow, I feel like I should know more about myself, more about my world and more about who I am inside. I feel like somehow I've let everyone down, that what I am is owed to everyone else. I'm confused at the moment, very confused and I don't necessarily know why.

I have everything. Why am I feeling like this, why do I need more? But in a way I know what it is. In a way, I know that it's my expectations that are ruining everything for me. It's the things I expect, from myself and everyone else around me. It's what I deserve and what I expect to deserve. Maybe I expect too much from other people, maybe it's the expectations that are weighing me down. But you know what, why should I expect anything less from other people than what I expect of myself? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But I do know that I have very few people in my life I can go to in times of need. And those few people mean everything to me, they are the ones that have been with me for all my years and know me and what I am, who I am and what I need. They are the ones who expect just as much of me as they expect for themselves and I appreciate that. They are amazing people, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, a best friend. They are the people that I will always remember and our bonds will never die away.