quoting my mess

There's this quote that my grandma sent to me and I came across it tonight and it really made me think. It says "I believe -That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have." And that struck me really hard tonight. For some reason in my mind tonight, there is something bothering me, something nagging at me, something that tells me something's missing. And I don't know what it is.

And here in these amazing country songs I'm listening to, all they talk about are these amazing loves that would do anything for the other person. Is that ficitonal, is that just something that happens in dreams, in fantasies and doesn't really exist? Is love something that we all imagine for ourselves in our minds and it will never live up to our expectations? Although somehow it has to be rooted in human emotions, though I am coming to think more and more that love is something that will never be a fairy tale, it will never make sense like it should, like we want it to, we will never understand it, we will never know it truly.

Tonight for some reason, I feel like there is a heavy weight on my shoulders. I part of myself that needs fixing, but I can't find that part. And in this adult life, as I turn 20 tomorrow, I feel like I should know more about myself, more about my world and more about who I am inside. I feel like somehow I've let everyone down, that what I am is owed to everyone else. I'm confused at the moment, very confused and I don't necessarily know why.

I have everything. Why am I feeling like this, why do I need more? But in a way I know what it is. In a way, I know that it's my expectations that are ruining everything for me. It's the things I expect, from myself and everyone else around me. It's what I deserve and what I expect to deserve. Maybe I expect too much from other people, maybe it's the expectations that are weighing me down. But you know what, why should I expect anything less from other people than what I expect of myself? I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. But I do know that I have very few people in my life I can go to in times of need. And those few people mean everything to me, they are the ones that have been with me for all my years and know me and what I am, who I am and what I need. They are the ones who expect just as much of me as they expect for themselves and I appreciate that. They are amazing people, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, a best friend. They are the people that I will always remember and our bonds will never die away.