How long do you go following everyone else's rules? How long do you go without following your heart, without jumping at every chance you get. How long does life go on like this, living pay check to pay check, never being able to jump on a plane and wake up in a new city, a new country, a new continent. Why can't life be a series of chances? Why can't we jump at all of them? We can't because too many people in our lives are telling us no and laughing at our ambitions.

I for one will say right here and now that I will move around the world, I will live in Paris, I will live and work oversseas for a number of years, I will return to the states and accomplish every dream I've ever had. I swear it to myself, to all those that doubt me. My dreams are what defines me, my ambition what pushes me. Someday I will look back on this piece and I will smile, knowing that my ambitions were challenged, my goals reached,, my dreams achieved. Hopefully all those that I love so much will support the dreams I've always had, hopefully they will be there by my side, supporting all the choices I make, however rash they might seem.

Life is too short to waste it on ignorance or on not going after what you want. I will go after all that I want, I will achieve all the goals I have set. Just wait and see.... all those that have given into a life of ordinary days, all those that have given into all that they never wanted, you deserve more... take a chance!

Life Lessons

The way the bubbles peak upon the water in the bathtub.
The way you smile when you're sad.
My pink blanket.
Golfing at sunset.
Curling up when it's raining outside.
Laughing with friends you feel you've known all your life.
Calling someone your best friend even when you only see them once a year.
Relating to someone you'll probably never hang out with.
Sharing secrets with an aunt.
The way my pink walls look from the street.
Doing something you're not supposed to.
Lying to your parents even though what you're doing isn't really wrong.
A phone call with my Grandma.
The way you pay so much attention to what you write.
The way I can feel my life changing, moving on.
That feeling I'll never forget, that feeling of resentment towards my father I used to have and that I'll always feel a bit of.
The dream that wakes you up and makes you wonder why you had it.
The friend that's lost in a world of drugs and sex that you cannot get her out of.
The way the candles burn until they burn out.
A TV show that brings you into its world.
Saying something I shoudln't to someone I shouldn't.
A much needed vacation when you're at your breaking point.
The Eiffel Tower in the next room, knowing I'll return there someday.
The thought of packing everything up and flying somewhere exotic.
Knowing that at the end of the day, I'll always have you to come home to.
The way we like all the same things and hate all the same things.
The sound of the wind against the window.
Being so cold is hurts but knowing there's a warm blanket for me at home.
Managing to always lose one glove.
The way life works out when you least expect to.
The moments when you think everything is lost and two seconds later, everything is found.

i love you because....

I don't know why I doubted you. I don't know why I doubted us. Somewhere in my mind I guess I didn't realize what I had, I guess I was scared of who I would become, of what I would become. I guess life got in the way of me and you. I guess I was wrong, no. I KNOW I was wrong. Life came at me from all directions these past few months and time went by that I struggled with all that I had to do but it was always you that I came back to, always you that I could call, always you that would hold me when the times got tough. I think our love grew through the rough patches, through the moments when I broke down and you fixed me back up, patched up the areas that left scars and held my hand as I moved on. I'm going to take this from you: but somwhere inside I really do feel like I've always loved you, like you've always been with me,, like you've always known me like you know me now.

I don't want life to get hectic and sweep us away from the world we've created. I don't want life to take away from what we have and I know it won't. With you, I'd go through anything because I know you'd be there for me at the other end. Please know that no matter how chaotic life gets, how emotionally broken I become, I will never stop loving you. You are the other part of my heart and the air that I breath.

My heart still flutters when you walk through that door, still smiles when I hear your voice and when you hold my hand, everything bad in the world goes away. Thank you for listening, for doing as i ask and for going along on my crazy tangents and emotional breakdowns. You are the strongest person I know and you are never to fragile for me, no matter how hurt you are inside. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You complete me, you are me, and I you. I love you more than words can say.

you truly are ..... brilliant.

"Amazing"

There are moments when all your hope is lost. Moments when suddenly nothing makes sense, brief moments that perhaps linger a bit too long on the mind and too much is read into them. I have these moments, I do. But then, just as I think everything is falling apart you come through and amaze me once again. You are the rock I hold onto as the storm billows through, you are the reason I keep walking everyday on through my life and through the world. You are the one who will hold my hand even when I'm furious at you, you are the one that makes me smile even when you're dying inside. You are the one that changed me beyond all that I thought possible.

I love you. I always will. And I'm sorry for doubting you, for doubting us. But that's just me, that's just how my mind works, I question things all the time. But you are the reason that I know this is real, the reason I know that life is supposed to happen like this. You are my reason for life and for love. Thank you. I love you beyond anything I ever thought was possible to love this much, I love you more than I ever knew I could.

thank you.
you are amazing.

Test

This is a test. Something to see if the words are real to you. An ode to someone, to someone that I love very much. I love the way you caress my hair when we're laying watching TV, the way you look when you're so tired you can barely keep your eyes open. I love the way you get so excited about making me dinner and the way you always make sure I'm warm and covered with a million blankets. I love the small random im's when I don't expect it and I love how you'd drive downtown to pick me up at 2 am from work. I love the way you look when you're really concentrating on something and the expression you get on your face right when you're about to sneeze. I love when you just come up and do the dishes without having me ask and how you light candles and draw me a bath when you really know I need it. I love how you make me do things even when I say I don't want to but secretly really do and I love how you know everything about me, and how you'll lay with me and just relax whenever I ask to.

I do miss the way we used to be too though. I do miss how you used to leave stuff at my place and call it your home. I miss the icards in the morning or the random notes next to the bed. I do miss the random trips to the riverfront in the middle of the afternoon and the way it used to be when I didn't have to fight about the petty things. I miss how you used to come in a kiss me and ask me how my day went or how you used to show up and surprise me with frosties. I miss the surprises and the subtle gestures. I miss the gin games and being all you cared about. I miss the carefree days and the days when we'd be happy just to be together. I miss so much about how it used to be...

so I guess love moves on from the small subtle gestures in the beginning months, but why does it all have to be lost? I love you so very much, where did all of the romantic gestures go?

plans

I never expected to be here. I never thought my life would be at this point, at this juncture, this moment in time. My whole life I believed that I was going to be that independent single woman, the one with the fancy apartment and the amazing job. I always thought I'd get married, but not this soon in my life, not like I see it happening now. I've never been the girl that fails, the one that acknowledges her fears. I've always gone with the flow, taken the path and seen where it leads me.

But here lies the confession: I am scared. I am scared that life came at me from all angles and that it's too soon. I'm scared that I'm losing that independence I always admired in myself. I'm afriad that what I want to do in my life,what I've always dreamed of doing and all that I had planned will not happen, I'm afriad that what I want will all be washed away in the scope of things. My fears are real and I am confessing to all that will listen. Life seems right at my doorstep, right in front of a girl still trying to accept all that's been dealt to her.

I will say this: I am so deep in love that it scares me sometime, it scares me that it came so fast, it scares me that life moves so quickly. It scares me that love is so fragile, so hard. I want nothing more for my life to begin, but at the same time, it scares me to death to be at that stage.

Storm

Secret storms come over my bones
just to break them by wind and ice.
The swells break upon my skin like tiny
pixels of sand upon a shore, spread as far
as the eye can see. My skin melts at the forceful
heat of the swell, at the rush of water against force
inside of earth and pixelated dirt.

There are moments when all the debris
seems to drown me in my own heap of life.
The days pass on as more swells come
crashing down upon my stolen heart,
my swolen soul and my sweltering heap of a life.
At times, life is too much to bear, too much
to hold upon my tiny shoulders that bear too many
scars already. The storms of youth are still
present among the days I live.

Why is it so heavy, so deep, so tragic, dramatic?
Life was not meant to be Hell,
yet so many days, the fires burn so brightly in my mind
that it seems my days are that of Hell,
bright,
dying,
warm,
and finally,
dead.

home

There will be always something that captures me about the place I grew up. Well one of the places, the accessible place that I grew up. There will always be a memory there that I cannot capture anywhere else in the world. And while, I have a very large part of my history there, I don't want to live there, partially because I want my future to be written in new and unimaginable worlds. But having that place there and knowing that it will always be there for me to have, is a comfort in some way. Having that place in my memories, having that place mean so much to me, makes it all the more special to visit, to spend some down time and to retreat to in times of chaos.

Perhaps that's why it's so fitting that he is from there. Perhaps that's why it's so perfect that we are together, because those things mean the same to both of us. A home that we'll always have, in one way or another, a home that means the most to both of us. The things is though, this city is our home, all to ourselves, but the momories we have of our old home will never be forgotten. Life throws things at us each and every day so it's nice I have him and our memories to hold onto while we're in the whirlwind of the present day happenings in this city we call our home.