You'll See

Here I am. Twenty years old and farther along than either of my aunts ever got. Here I am, more mature, more stable and more independent than either of those women have ever or will ever be. I have one aunt that is nearly 50, still drugged up on painkillers most of the time, who has married all three of her husbands to get out of her own debts, who cares more about her weight than the idea of morality. I have another aunt who until recently, I was very close to. She is a little younger, mother of one child that she has no control over. She hides in a world that she believes exists, stays close with her ex husband that cheated on her and left her, who married a new woman and has a new family and who still treats her with no respect. She lives a life financed by his money, finacned by the man that deserves no respect from her. She has no career, no way to create income, no stability in her emotional life and no stability in raising her son.

These women are supposed to be the ones that I should look up to. These are women that should have become strong, decent individuals. Yet here I am,, more mature, more stable than they are. I spent three hours on the phone with them tonight, one conversation blurred by the slurring words of one aunt high on some kind of medication. The other conversation being bitched at by another aunt that needs desperatly to learn to control her emotions and realize the life she is actually leading.

It's ironic. Most girls my age have these women they put on the heroes section of their Myspace pages. Women that they look up to, women that do things that they admire. Here are my choices: a mother who will not stand up for herself to a husband that has faded in sincerity and genuinimity, one aunt that has no means of supporting herself, a son to raise whom she has no control over and that is hiding behind a wall so large that no one could ever break it down, and another aunt that has married three men for their money and has nothing left of herself from all the plastic surgery she's had and all the disorders she's put herself through to look that way. Lucky huh:? I have amazing women in my life, the sad thing is that none of them will stand up for themselves, for who they are or for what they could be. All of them are so talented, have so much going for them, yet they are wrecked, hidden inside their own walls, draped by a curtain of shame and guilt and misguidance.

Here I am. TWenty years old and I can see it so clearly even for how young I am. I can see how life took its tole on them. I will not let it take the same tole on me. You'll see.

rant

I really don't feel good... my throat is constantly hurting more tonight and i think it's not because of the strep throat I just found out I have, it's because I'm just tired of the routine, the same old shit, the same fights, the same little things over and over again. It's like a constant pain in the back of my throat, a constant reminder of something. And I can't help but link that to the past week for me. HEre I am, almost done with this quarter that no one seems to understand how hard it was, almost time for MY break, MY time off from everything. When everyone else has time all the time to just do what they want, time to play with friends, time to watch tv and movies all day and then crunch in homework at the end of the day when all i have is that time to spend with others. I'm sick of going from school to work and then coming home to homework. I'm sick of then coming home to pick up after everyone else and then complaining and feeling like its my fault. I'm tired of feeling guilty about the time I'm away. I'm sick of no one understanding. I'm tired of being counted on for everything, by everyone! I'm tired of being the daughter that has to take her day and drive home, tired of being the friend that constantly has to answer questions for everyone else and then being taken advantage of, I'm tired of being responsible for making plans, for making dinner, for cleaning up and doing everything. I'm tired of not having any time to have any fun for myself. I'm sick of going to classes that have no point and then coming home to do homework that has no point. Taking tests that don't really need to be taken and having nothing go right. I'm sick of feeling guilty for sleeping well, thinking its my fault that others don't. I'm sorry that I ask to be picked up, that I may be two minutes late and that you might have to wait. My bad. I should always be perfect, I should always be on time, I should always get A's, I should always have a clean apartment and clean yours in my spare time. Ha, my spare time. I'm tired of spending so much god damn money, I'm sick of the routine, the time that I actually have to ask to spend with you. I'm tired of having to give attention to everyone around me, I'm sick of feeling guilty for the attention I do get. I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I do not have immunity to things like this. I am SICK, TIRED, STRESSED, ANNOYED, ON EDGE, IMPATIENT, and I don't care what any one thinks: I need someone to understand.

my one and only

Though I'm alone at the moment, I know the rest of my life I won't have to be. It is because of you that I don't have to be lonely, because of you I don't have to lose this fight we're all fighting. And I've found that someone that makes me whole. That someone that will not go a day without talking to me on the phone even if he is away. You are that person that mouths "I love you" to me from across a crowded room, that kisses me with passion every time and that covers me up before I even have to ask because you know I'll get cold. You are the one that always makes me calm down, the one that takes me to get mcflurries after work and the one that lets me have "money position" even though you don't like it. You are the one that loves taking pictures of me even when I hate it, that would drop anything you were doing to make sure i was happy. You are the one that would move around the world with me to be by my side even though you would much rather stay put in one place. You are the one that leaves me little notes to wake up to, the one that is so patient with me and that laughs at me when you think I'm cute. You are the one that never forgets to pick me up and always tells me I am beautiful even when I don't feel it at all. You are the one that holds me when I'm upset, the one that wants to introduce me to everything and the one that promises me your love every day.

You are the one I want to spend my life with, you are the one that has total faith in us, in our relationship. You are the one that makes me whole, the one that keeps me centered and grounded, the one that saves me from myself. You are the one for me, the only one. You and I were meant to be together. You are the one, the one and only and I love you more each and every day.

*dedicated to my one and only*

I don't know how you do it. I don't know how your faith does not falter, but it never does. When I'm at my darkest moments, you are the brightest of lights, and when I am in the deepest valleys, you are on the highest cliffs. Your faith in us is unfaltering and for that, I owe you my entire heart. My love, everytime you hold me in your arms, everytime you drive me to get dessert, everytime you show up at my apartment, you mean more to me. Every moment we're together or even apart, my love only grows.

Life is flying by us so quickly, and time is only getting shorter. But with you, I know it's worth it. When you smile at me from across the room, show up with flowers, apologize even when it's not your fault, kiss me at the most random of times. When you meet me with a kiss and tell me you love me, when I get mad at you and you feel so bad. All those moments mean the world to me. And all the moments we've experienced together from first moments to lasts, I wouldn't want to have experienced them with anyone else.

And love, I know I make things difficult. I know I overexaggerate and go on and on about things that don't deserve so much attention. I know I complain a lot and wish things were different, but honestly, I love you so much and I love you even more for loving me and putting up with me. Thank you baby for loving me, for being the brilliant guy you are and for treating me like you do. I can't wait till you get back, please hurry and come home. I love you.

lonely

The life I've always known has been alone, the life I grew up living was making sense of it all on my own. The majority of my childhood was spent playing alone, spending time alone, being on my own, doing things on my own. I've never needed anyone really, I've always been independent, always readily available to step up to the responsibility. But now, I am alone after two years of being with him. I can't believe I did this all last summer and I know that if I had to do it again, our relationship would suffer deeply. Maybe it's me, but I can't do it again, I can't say goodbye again, I can't go through it again. I know I'm selfish for this but honestly, being alone is not somethingg familiar to me anymore. It scares me now, it scares me not being with him. As much as I love having my time to myself, I'd rather sacrifice it all forever to be with him, for him to be with me here.

Love, I want you here, need you here. You are my whole world and when you're not here, nothing makes sense, nothing means anything. Nothing is familiar, nothing real. I am just living a shadow of my life when you are gone and although I'm selfish to want you up here all to myself, I can't help but want that. You mean everything to me and when you return, it's a new start, a new era, a new age.

Pink Polka-dots

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It’s warmth and love, it’s roses and polka dots,
Smiles and friends. I am not who you think
I am. I am a girl, lost and found, stressed
and calm. I am a long lost twin, an only child,
a sister to a younger brother and a lover.
I was once naïve of the world out there, the world
in which we live and grow. I am a survivor,
a solider in a growing fight of a generation
about to lead the rest. I am ambition,
resilience and strength, but soft, genuine and sincere.
I am a writer, a poet, a designer, an artist.
I am a philosopher ready to speak my mind to save
the many who are lost, unready for what I have to say.

I have loved with everything inside this flesh, lost
everything I thought I was and found that my soul
has yet to see the day when it will find something more.
I have given faith and taken it, I have found a resting
place somewhere in the middle and moved on from the world
I was once a part of, the world that bore me and that then threw
me away. I am nothing more or less than you,
but I do have dreams, passions, prayers, and a signature
that will someday be worth something to someone.

Pink is not only a color to my eyes,
It is my flesh, my eyes, my skin, my soul.
I have been no where and there and everywhere
in between. I am fighting my fight, finding my faith,
and finishing what began twenty years ago.

turning to spring

It's amazing how two days of spring can change your outlook on life. For the past two days, the sun has shown, the wind has been warm and my soul has been finally at peace. Without a lot of work, without a lot of stress, life is beautiful. And here we are... in this together, in this life together, for good or bad, we're in it togetherand that's all that genuinely matters.

I can't imagine having to say goodbye again, for that amount of time. I can't imagine going through it again, but I don't have to. You're going to be here, you're going to stay with me. You're going to give it all up for me. Thankk you. I can't wait for the spring to start, for the sun to shine and for the world to spin slowly again. So here we are... waiting for the world to change as spring starts and our world begins.