You'll See

Here I am. Twenty years old and farther along than either of my aunts ever got. Here I am, more mature, more stable and more independent than either of those women have ever or will ever be. I have one aunt that is nearly 50, still drugged up on painkillers most of the time, who has married all three of her husbands to get out of her own debts, who cares more about her weight than the idea of morality. I have another aunt who until recently, I was very close to. She is a little younger, mother of one child that she has no control over. She hides in a world that she believes exists, stays close with her ex husband that cheated on her and left her, who married a new woman and has a new family and who still treats her with no respect. She lives a life financed by his money, finacned by the man that deserves no respect from her. She has no career, no way to create income, no stability in her emotional life and no stability in raising her son.

These women are supposed to be the ones that I should look up to. These are women that should have become strong, decent individuals. Yet here I am,, more mature, more stable than they are. I spent three hours on the phone with them tonight, one conversation blurred by the slurring words of one aunt high on some kind of medication. The other conversation being bitched at by another aunt that needs desperatly to learn to control her emotions and realize the life she is actually leading.

It's ironic. Most girls my age have these women they put on the heroes section of their Myspace pages. Women that they look up to, women that do things that they admire. Here are my choices: a mother who will not stand up for herself to a husband that has faded in sincerity and genuinimity, one aunt that has no means of supporting herself, a son to raise whom she has no control over and that is hiding behind a wall so large that no one could ever break it down, and another aunt that has married three men for their money and has nothing left of herself from all the plastic surgery she's had and all the disorders she's put herself through to look that way. Lucky huh:? I have amazing women in my life, the sad thing is that none of them will stand up for themselves, for who they are or for what they could be. All of them are so talented, have so much going for them, yet they are wrecked, hidden inside their own walls, draped by a curtain of shame and guilt and misguidance.

Here I am. TWenty years old and I can see it so clearly even for how young I am. I can see how life took its tole on them. I will not let it take the same tole on me. You'll see.