Brilliant: a tribute to time

For the first time in a long time tonight, I feel totally at peace, totally in control and at ease with how my life is going right now. I feel like nothing can take away from the peace I feel, that nothing else could make it more real. I have all of it right now, the boy, the home, the routine, the life, the school, the ideas. All of it continues to get more real as I grow and that makes it all the more exciting. If someone would have told me this is the life i would lead, that this was the boy I was going to fall for two years ago, I would not have believed it, because two years ago this may was a very dark time for me, a time of misunderstandings and of being misunderstood. It was a time that things were coming to an end, goodbyes were becoming constants and a new part of my life was beginning. Two years ago today I was scared, aprehensive, and unsure of where I was going. I was sad and in part, a large part actually, angry at the father that had been absent for a year. And here I am now, two years later, new city, new love, new passions, new schools, new home. HEre I am now, still missing the absent father that once I knew better, but anymore I am not angry, not sad, not melancholy and unsure. I am the surest I've ever been that this is what I want. I am the surest I've ever been that this is the world I want, that this is what I want my life to progress into.

It's funny how much can change in a couple of years, and when I look around, some things haven't changed at all. Yet others have changed tremendously. I can only imagine how fast the next couple of years will go by and in that time who knows how much else will have changed. All I can hope for is that it's as brilliant as the last two have been.

~Hear our Voice~

How many times in our lives are we put into situations where we have no control yet the person that does does nothing or has no idea about what's going on? How many times do people tell us we have the ability to change other's lives or our own, yet when we try to, we are pushed down because of it? I guess that's the world we live in, I guess we need all the rules, all the regulations and corporate guidelines and codes. But when do we get to the point when there is no freedom at all in choices we make, when our own judgement plays no role anymore?

Ever think about when something comes, a code or a regulation, that interferes with your personal judgement, your personal beliefs and procreations. What happens then? What happens when our dreams, our world that we live in and when our generation gives up that sense of dreaming and achieving something more in order to follow guidelines set up by a 50 year old men in some corporate office thousands of miles away with no idea of what our generation wants or needs? When do we stand up and say something, can we even do that without consequence?

In a land of freedom and oppurtunity, it sure is hard to break through the concrete wall our elders have built? IT sure is complicated to get through all the damn legal paperwork to find out you can't even do that in the first place. It seems like as our generation gets older, we just tend to pushed behind the older people in charge. But what no one will stand up and say is that perhaps we are educated and just as smart as they are, perhaps we have input that could help. Yet that is no the case. THat's not how our society is set up,, it's not how it works.

As John Mayer says, maybe we really are just "waiting on the world to change." Maybe we are really just left sitting ducks until it's our turn, but why should we suffer, why should the way of the world suffer when perhaps we have a better solution. I say to all of you, all that have the same ideas that I do, that are smarter than me, that have yet even better solutions than I do to problems we face each and every single day:

Stand up! Speak your mind, there are people that will listen. Though they may be very hard to find, they are there. Take the initiative, say something, do something, write a letter, you never know when you might be the final straw for something to change. You never know when you might be the one that changes it for good.... the final straw for change. We are the future, we are the generation of dreams, not only of dreams that are dreamt up in our minds but the generation that has the most capabilities to achieve those dreams. We are smarter, more educated, wiser and more intune with how things work than generations before us. We are technologically brilliant and mindful of situations, aware of things that those before us did not have to be.

We have the chance, stand up with me, fight with me. Together we have a voice. Let's let the world hear it.

royal flush

There are moments in my days when I look up and smile. THere are moments when the simplest things drive my sanity, when the rain starts to pour or when the sun breaks out behind a cloud. When you leave a message for me in the most genuine of tones and when the city sparkles from the window I share with the world. This week however, I had less of those moments. I did not enjoy the rain, I did not smile when the sun came out. I didn't have that innocent affection this week, I had too much time to be scared. It seemed like everything turned gray this week, you were gone, my mother once again changed from mom to distracted woman mad at the world taking it out on me, one aunt struggling with a mistake she made, another annoying me about some distant plans and telling me what my life should be like, friends that drove me to the edge. I was alone this week and for the first time in a long time, I felt so totally alone, more alone than I've ever felt since that summer I barely survived.

And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.

Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?

But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...

*Waiting and Wishing*

My hands are typing once again, my thoughts coming onto this page. My eyes are wandering around, waiting, and wishing for something that won't come tonight. But still I know that somewhere out there, you are waiting and wishing too. Still I know that in just a few days we'll be back, we'll be better, stronger, wiser. Once again, I'm thinking of you, of us and in that bond I know we could make it forever. We can be ourselves till forever knocks on our door and we can know we're there with each other, even when we're thousands of miles away.

Here I am, sitting in a place that is not unusual to me but one thing's not here, you aren't here tonight. But baby, I'll be here waiting, wishing on stars until I get to see you again. I'm caught in something much deeper than either or us and in that, I'm caught in love with you for always.

a poem

Faces

It’s getting dark now, the sun is gone,
The trees only black silhouettes outside the window.
I am here in this place where I will be someday,
Staring out at the future that only keeps growing for me.
And to think I’ve come all this way,
I find myself panicked sometimes, forgetting all the memories
That got me here. The people and places that made me who I am
Are no longer as bright in my mind as I’d like them to be.

I have a whole life here, a life that’s all my own,
A life that only he and share. There are friends my parents have
Never met, there are places I go everyday my family has never seen.
There are things my friends know that no one else knows,
Secrets that aren’t really all that secretive.

There have been many in my life, friends, family, loves:
There has always been the closest family I’ve known,
But then there are those I have come to know more fully as well.
Then there have been friends, few that I have kept thorugh the years,
Some that I know I will always keep and those that know me better
Than almost anyone.
There are loves, passions and those that I have cared for deeply and those
That I never could come to fully care about as much as they cared for me.
I have said no to a few and yes to a few, but only one have I found love with.

Life comes and goes so quickly and we get so caught up in the moments
And things we need to do that often time goes by more quickly than
We wanted.

It’s even darker now, but suddenly I see more faces in my mind.
Faces that shaped me, that are shaping me and that keep me going.
For it is memories that are the most important, it is memories
That make us who we are.

In my Dreams

~~~for a friend I see in my dreams~~~~

Are you out there tonight,
are you lost with no one to know your name?

Is your money gone, your mother too?
I'm sorry I'm not there, I'm sorry you're not either.

When did you fall apart,
are your pockets empty and your body dead?

Is life not worth it anymore to wake up every day?
Whey couldn't you ask for help, you knew the hell you were headed for.

Are you out there tonight, it must be cold where you are.
I'm sorry your dreams fell short,
I'm sorry we all fell short when it came to you.

Are you ever going to be okay or am I
going to wake up to a phone call in the middle of the night?
"she's gone."

HOME

Moments come and go, and wow do they go by fast. But this week, I have had so many amazing moments that bringn me back to where I started. Moments of spontanaity with the boy i love more and more, moments catching up with friends, moments coming home, feeling that anxiety to be back in my routine, in this wonderful life I have going. These all have made me realize once again, that while someday I won't be here, that while someday I might be across the country or across the world making a new life for myself, right now, I have everything and more that I could ever need or want.

Flying home the other night, I realized how much this city means to me, how much my life here means to me. I have love, friends and a life I adore and a city I cherish!