royal flush

There are moments in my days when I look up and smile. THere are moments when the simplest things drive my sanity, when the rain starts to pour or when the sun breaks out behind a cloud. When you leave a message for me in the most genuine of tones and when the city sparkles from the window I share with the world. This week however, I had less of those moments. I did not enjoy the rain, I did not smile when the sun came out. I didn't have that innocent affection this week, I had too much time to be scared. It seemed like everything turned gray this week, you were gone, my mother once again changed from mom to distracted woman mad at the world taking it out on me, one aunt struggling with a mistake she made, another annoying me about some distant plans and telling me what my life should be like, friends that drove me to the edge. I was alone this week and for the first time in a long time, I felt so totally alone, more alone than I've ever felt since that summer I barely survived.

And in that time alone, I felt the whole world on my shoulders, I felt my whole world collapsing ontop of me. And I want you to know, you are my world, you are the reason it holds up and in no way is this your fault (I'm glad you went). I just need you to know that you are an important part of this world I'm creating for myself. ANd when you're gone, it all falls to pieces.

Why is it that when your support is gone, the whole world comes crumbling down? Why is it that when you need someone the most, when you need friends the most, they are never there?

But I did learn a lesson from this week. I did learn that life gives you challenges, that it hands you a dealt hand and asks you to play it, whether you have the cards or not. And it's when you make an amazing hand out of shitty cards that it means the most. Tomorrow it's all over, tomorrow you're back, bridges are mended, family is put on the back burner. Tomorrow I have a fresh start and tomorrow I get to start over with a new hand, a new deck, and who knows, maybe I'll have a royal flush...