Tomorrow

Tonight, here alone, I am more than I have been in the past couple of days. I am myself again, I am that girl again, I am strong again. And what's left of me after the past few days, was nothing, it was deep and dead. And once again, I have found my strength. Once again, I have become the person I always knew I could be, the person I always have been.

I am me again, and that's the strongest I ever am.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, a big revelation, one that I desperatly need to find out. Tomorrow is the day when I find out what's changed, what hasn't and when everything will be alright.

Pray for me.

I will need it.

abandoned

Sometimes life hands us something and in the wake of that challenge, we find out who truly will be there for you. We find out we can't handle all that we try to, we find that in the wake of a challenge, all we have left is ourselves, however damaged that may be. And in ourselves, we find that though the appearance is the same, we are breaking down inside. Never have I felt so powerless, never have I felt so tired, physically and emotionally, becuase of the challenge ahead of me. And I am hurt, hurt becuase of being here alone, hurt because the closest person to me is not here for me, not beside me in my time of need.

I find myself so many time during the day just staring out the window, wondering why this had to happen to me, why I deserve to go through this, why he's not here? And I cant help but answer those questions thinking I've done something wrong, that it's because of me that all this is happening, that I must go through this alone.

Nothing makes sense right now, my mind is elsewhere, my heart misplaced. And inside, I feel dissheveled, broken, abandoned. I feel like the people that should know cannot because they would not understand, and the people that do know, the person that should be here beside me right now, is not becuase of his own reasons. And whatever the situation may be, I feel totally alone, so lost, and left behind, a feeling that is all too familiar to me.

There comes a time in life, that everyone must decide where they priorities lie. I guess everyone's priorities are coming out now, even though other people get left behind in the process.

breaking

Warning: if you want a happy, go lucky blog, this isn't it. And I'm not in the kind of mood to write one of those, not today anyway, not lately really at all. So much seems to be going downhill lately, so much I'm sick of dealing with. It's a never ending fight, with life, with parents, with shit in general. I am sick of doing everything I'm supposed to, and getting the raw end of the deal. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and my successes. I'm tired of no one ever acknowledging anything I do. I'm tired of being here, doing this routine every day, never having time to relax, never having time not to worry.

I am twenty years old, not thirty. I think so much of the time, everyone seems to forget that. I am in school!!! working a minimum wage job just to be able to make it through the month!!!! god damn my parents... never do i get a pat on the back, never do i get a friendly phone call. I'm sick of being the one that does everything for them and gets nothing in return. It's not my fault they are unhappy there, it's not my fault they fucking moved, it's not my fault that their life is not perfect. Because you know what, it was perfect until he screwed it all up by moving, it was until he left me behind that year. I'm sick of dealing with their shit and taking the fall for it. I'm sick of going down there, visiting them even though it's the last thing i ever want to do. I'm sick of being held at the highest regard, they need to realize I am a twenty year old girl working and going to school, not a thirty year old off on my own with a job. ANd I'm sorry, but I am going crazy emotionally, financially, and physically because I can't handle this anymore. I can't do it all on my own. I can't handle the stress of everything they deal to me. I don't deserve this, there are plenty of other people out there that deserve this more than me. Screw them, they don't and will NEVER understand, even though she had everything handed to her. I'm sick of being the brunt of their bad days, of their torn marriage and of everything involved in the hell they are living. I'm not there, theres a reason why.

And if one more person I call a "friend" takes advantage of my grades, of my friendship, I swear I will blow up in their face. I'm sick of being the person that gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of never having a stress free day, I'm sick of never having a day to deal without any shit from anyone. I need some time to myself, some time without the looming day ahead. I have been taken advantage of, yelled at innaproprately and without reason, misunderstood and used for too long. I'm tired of being held up on this pedestal, because wake up, I've created that pedestal and I've fucking mastered it. So give me a break! Believe me, I need one more than you know.

a little bit broken

I dont know exaclty what I'm feeling right now but I know I am restless for something to change. I am on the edge of NEEDING change, needing something to look forward to, needing life to slow down and give me some time to think. I am restless here in the city that I love so very much and I am restless with the life I know now. For some reason, tonight, I want more than anything to just sit and watch the sun set on some beach or out in the country somewhere. I am restless in this routine I call my life. And while I love the routine, I just need something more right now. I look back on all the memories, on all the steps that got me here and I see so much magic, so much wonder, so many wonderful memories, I can't halp but want those to begin again.

And right now, as my mind is clouded in this restlessness I feel, all I want is to have some time somewhere new or somewhere that I feel safe. I feel so vulnerable at the moment, and in that vulnerability, I feel like I'm losing myself to something out of my control. I don't know exaclty what this is, but I know that as the rain clears, I can't help but feel a little bit lost, I can't help but feel a little bit broken. So as the rain clears and the trees start to glow in the evening light, I will sit here and stare out of the future of my life in these windows and pray that my restlessness will stop and that soon I will feel safe again.

Goals.

As I think about it, the future is wide open in front of me. I have the potential to do anything I want, to go to places I want. My life is only beginning, my ride only just begun. I have dreams, and by all means, I will accomplish them all. And lately, I have been thinking more and more about my goals.. so here they are:

1. graduate with honors
2. work for a few years here in portland in a design firm
3. get married when the time is right
4. move to london and work a design firm there
5. travel overseas
6. move back to states, maybe to some place like seattle
7. visit morocco and the south of spain
8. write a book
9. live in the pearl
10. own a design firm at some point in the future

Right...

Suddenly everything in life is fitting so nicely together. Suddenly, I am sure of everything. Suddenly I am sure of him, of our future together, of the world we will create, of what we can do together. I am sure of my career and my passion for design is winning over everything, only becoming stronger and more assured of the right choice that I made. I am sure that this is where I am supposed to be, sure of the friends I have, sure of the place I'm at, sure that I don't want to rush my future, but sure that I want to get on with my life. I am sure of the city, of the sweet breeze that flows in my window, sure of the boy sitting on my bed, sure of the keys in front of me typing, sure of the wolrd at my fingertips.

For the first time I am not questioning, I am happy, sincerely happy, no regrets, no tears. I am sure of where I am, sure of where I am going, sure of where I am supposed to be. Life is right and for the first time in forever that I have no questions running through my head. I am sure... and genuinely right.

~Sunset in their eyes.

Suddenly, I have no doubts, no aprehensions about where I am going. Suddenly, all is falling into place and everything is working how it should be. He is there for me, and I for him and together we are finding our own way. I look back on how it was last year at this time, and every chance I get, I reminisce in my mind how brilliant it is that he is here. And looking over at him now, I realized something: he stole my heart at 18, when it was shattered and splintered. He took it in his hands and put it back together, he put me back together when no one else could.

It was just two short years ago when I was confused, searching for something, desperate for someone to love me and stand up for me, not someone else's kids, not students or schools, something I had been left behind for by a father that seems to barely understand me anymore. I had lost the confidence I once had and amongst a summer of feigned loves, crushes that were merely nothing more than that, and desperation to find someone that would take care of me, I hurt some people on the way to finding my own self and finding him.

But if I could go back, I would not change a thing. He was who I was meant to find and never before has anyone loved me so much, so deeply, so well. NEver before have I made so many memories with anyone else, nor do I want to with anyone else. He is my whole heart, he is everything that love is supposed to be and I would rather fight with him than not be with him. That's what love is, being with him, seeing him look at me from across the room and knowing that without any words, he is thinking of me as I am thinking of him.

NEver before have I given myself so completely. Never before has anyone held my bare heart in their hands like he does mine. I want to experience everything with him, I want to see him at the end of the aisle as I walk toward him in that church, I want to hold his hand as we walk through the streets of Paris, I want to smile at him when I come home from a long day at work and I want to sit on our patio in the Pearl twenty years from now and still see him smile at me that way. I think that love is found when you aren't looking for it but when you need it the most. In that moment when suddenly you realize you need him, that you need the love and emotion he has to offer, to live yet you didn't see it coming. It's love when one day apart is tough, when life isn't the same without them around, without hearing their voice.

It's love when you've lived 18 years alone and suddenly, you can't imagine not having them love you. It's love when one day you are find watching the sunset alone, and the next all you want to do is watch the sunset in their eyes.

I love you and you have my heart for always.

honey bunches of oats

There are moments when I look at you and can't help but smile. There are things I wouldn't trade for anything: the nights out at pf changs, the dinners in, our shows, watching CSI on demand, falling asleep next to you, computer time to ourselves, appetizers at macaroni grill, and so many more. THere are things that make you you and I love every single one of them. We are lucky with what we have and we don't need to put a time limit on it, I am happy how we are, I am happy waiting for whatever's next because I know that with you it will always work out alright.

You are the next step in my life, you are the way I have chosen. It seems such a large decision but i've made it, I've had my doubts and gotten over them, and right now, for now on, I have no doubts about us. You are the person I get excited to come home to, the person that I can tell everything to and the person that makes me feel beautiful always. Time is going by quicker and quicker and I want to be with you as we speed through this life we live. THere are moments that have shaped me, times that have changed me and all those have happened with me. I love you more than words could ever say and I just want you to know, you are the reason I am who I am and I love that about you... I am in no rush for the next step, but I know I want it to be with you.

dreams

Here I am, in the same week that last year I had fallen apart. In the same day when all seemed lost. Last year at this time, he was gone. He had left me behind for a summer at home. And here I am now, here we are now, in our own home, in this city that taught us to grow with each other and alone. I am looking so forward to this summer, as it will be the first summer in about three years that I won't feel alone. It will be the first summer that I can remember where I will be able to do what I want and what I want is to be with him.

So thank you my love for staying. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you here. I am looking so forward to the next few months, it is a dream come true...

Serendipity: a poem

The high rise soothes the blacktop beneath
our hearts. and the south of traffic through the narrow
streets of home is what makes me breathe.

The moments in between the traffic
light and streetcar are the sounds that cool my breath.
and the sound os footsteps on broken sidewalks
and cobble stone streets is the only way home.

sometimes home is a cool breath on a summer day,
a streetcar ride down to the river,
a high rise view of the city from a new perspective,
or a long walk home when the evening is fresh.

this is where i belong,
this is where my heart is free:
where the sound of footsteps and trains run the sounds
of the street, where the buildings are higher than the light
that guides us,
where a fifteen minute walk will get you all you need,
where dinner can be on the street,
and where even in the rain,
my soul is refreshed at the beauty of the serendipitous city.