breaking

Warning: if you want a happy, go lucky blog, this isn't it. And I'm not in the kind of mood to write one of those, not today anyway, not lately really at all. So much seems to be going downhill lately, so much I'm sick of dealing with. It's a never ending fight, with life, with parents, with shit in general. I am sick of doing everything I'm supposed to, and getting the raw end of the deal. I'm sick of people taking advantage of me and my successes. I'm tired of no one ever acknowledging anything I do. I'm tired of being here, doing this routine every day, never having time to relax, never having time not to worry.

I am twenty years old, not thirty. I think so much of the time, everyone seems to forget that. I am in school!!! working a minimum wage job just to be able to make it through the month!!!! god damn my parents... never do i get a pat on the back, never do i get a friendly phone call. I'm sick of being the one that does everything for them and gets nothing in return. It's not my fault they are unhappy there, it's not my fault they fucking moved, it's not my fault that their life is not perfect. Because you know what, it was perfect until he screwed it all up by moving, it was until he left me behind that year. I'm sick of dealing with their shit and taking the fall for it. I'm sick of going down there, visiting them even though it's the last thing i ever want to do. I'm sick of being held at the highest regard, they need to realize I am a twenty year old girl working and going to school, not a thirty year old off on my own with a job. ANd I'm sorry, but I am going crazy emotionally, financially, and physically because I can't handle this anymore. I can't do it all on my own. I can't handle the stress of everything they deal to me. I don't deserve this, there are plenty of other people out there that deserve this more than me. Screw them, they don't and will NEVER understand, even though she had everything handed to her. I'm sick of being the brunt of their bad days, of their torn marriage and of everything involved in the hell they are living. I'm not there, theres a reason why.

And if one more person I call a "friend" takes advantage of my grades, of my friendship, I swear I will blow up in their face. I'm sick of being the person that gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of everything. I'm sick of never having a stress free day, I'm sick of never having a day to deal without any shit from anyone. I need some time to myself, some time without the looming day ahead. I have been taken advantage of, yelled at innaproprately and without reason, misunderstood and used for too long. I'm tired of being held up on this pedestal, because wake up, I've created that pedestal and I've fucking mastered it. So give me a break! Believe me, I need one more than you know.