Third Culture kids... finding "home"

I have always felt different from everyone else around me, and it's been something that I've felt since I was 12 years old, since the first day I stepped off the airplane and became American. Even though I had an American passport since I was born, my Saudi birth certificate always seemed to resonate with me more. I've been saying since I moved to the States that I never knew quite where "home" was for me. I've never known quite what to say when people ask me where I'm from, where "home" is. And the honest truth is that I still to this day don't know, still I'm unsure of what to say. What I feel in my heart is that technically, I've never really had a "home" as many Americans have, it's not the same. I've had "homes" and they have been all over.

It's interesting because for the first time I googled my situation and it turns out that psychologists even have a name for what I am: a third culture kid. There are studies and experiences and articles about kids like me, about kids that grew up somewhere abroad, about kids that never really find a "home."

For the first time in a long time, it gave me such peace to read those articles and those experiences of other like me. Growing up here in the States has brought me some rather difficult years, many in which I felt that my experiences abroad made me somewhat different than everyone else. It took me a long time to come to peace with who I was, and I think that stems from the differences, from no one understanding that while my passport says I'm American, I feel much more like the world is my home, that while I may live in the States right now, I won't be here forever.

For years now, I have been searching for a definition of who I am, for something to classify myself as, for something to show the people in my life that don't understand that there are others like me out there and that what I feel really is real. I was reading one of the articles that I found and it mentioned how third culture kids seem to click right away with others from backgrounds abroad like theirs and it suddenly hit me. In my life, I always do click right from the start with others like me, with others that have lived in another country, with others that have international backgrounds.

And this morning, as I feel like I have finally found a classification of my experiences, after years of searching and trying to explain it to others, I feel like I have suddenly found out who I am all over again. So as March approaches and my career begins, I hope to continue my journey as a third culture kid and find a new country to share my story with and new people to discover who I really am, a young woman with a Saudi birth certificate but with an American passport.

Remembered...

There are moments in our lives that teach us things. There are moments in which we must endure hurt and pain and heartache and there are moments when we must enjoy it and take it all in. Today was one of tears and a heartache deep inside that I just couldn't shake. Today was a day that I will never forget, a day in which I've never experienced loss like this. And even here tonight, I can't help but shed a few tears for a dog that has been there in my life since moving here to the States. And here tonight, so many miles away from where he passed, I still can't seem to find strength to realize that he really is gone.

I've never had to deal with loss like this, not really. I've never lost someone or something so close to me and it's something that I guess you never really understand until it happens to you, until you feel that heart-wrenching pain, until you look at old pictures and it makes you cry. I spent the last hour looking at all my old photos of our dear Mikey, photos of us all together, photos of him curled up next to his sister, photos that at the time they were taken felt like unnecessary, cute little snapshots of a moment that didn't mean much at the time. But tonight, those snapshots of moments mean the world, tonight they make me realize how precious our lives are and how much people and animals and things in our lives really do mean and how much we take for granted.

And so, tonight, please take a moment for us all, in remembrance of a great dog, of a friend and family member. Please take a moment for everyone who's ever lost someone, who's lost a pet. Take a moment and appreciate all that we have in our lives. And somewhere out there tonight, Mikey is playing in Heaven, he's looking down on us and smiling with his adorable little brown eyebrows, now and for always. Rest in peace boy, you will always be remembered and greatly missed by the family that deeply loved you.

4 years

Sometimes we aren't the people we used to be and sometimes we grow into better, stronger individuals. Sometimes the person people see on the outside isn't at all who we are in our hearts and in our minds. Sometimes we become someone different, someone that finds a moment and holds it tight, someone that loses parts of yourself but someone that also finds everything they ever wanted.

Life isn't about the moments we waste, it's about the moments we take and use and create. It's about what we find and what we chase, and who we become when the dust of childhood settles onto adulthood. It's about finding that passion in your heart, that fire that burns and that incredible movement within your soul and it's about becoming who you are, and leaving behind the parts of you that weren't so great.

We are here to live our lives, to breathe and pray and love and to find our spirits and to hold hands and to embrace. We are here to smile and to laugh, and to walk along the beach with our feet in the water. We are here to sit alone in the dark and think, to watch as our family comes together and to write. We are here to follow our dreams, to look up at the Eiffel Tower and know that someday you will be there, to look out the window and smile. We are here to live this life we have, to find our faith in whatever in whatever it may be and we are here to become the people we never used to be.

I am not the same person I was four years ago, and I don't hardly any of you are either. And in those four years, we have found a new dream, a new love, a new life. We have become those young men and women of our futures and we have found that life is more than proms and parties. It's more than varsity football games and it's more than just a pretty face. Life is a collection of moments, it's about falling in love and coming home to something. It's about having our own places and our own careers, it's about waking up and knowing that you are chasing after every dream you've ever had and knowing that no matter what happens down the road, you are a stronger, more intelligent, more beautiful person than you were four years ago when nothing else mattered.

here and there... far away

Sometimes we stand at a crossroads, a place where the tide washes against our skin but we are unsure of whether to stay on land or swim into the vast wide open sea in front of us, gesturing for us to join it. Sometimes when we get to that point in our lives, we must figure out what is most important for us, to be totally and chaotically thrown about in the sea, living a new way of life, or staying safe, on land, where we've always been. For myself, there is things about the land that I hate, things that I wish would go away, things that I don't know if I can get over, things that remind me of all the reasons why I want to leave. And looking out at the sea, as it is pulling me farther and farther in, it is so much more appealing than the safety of dry land.

I can't have the nets holding me back any longer, I can't keep fighting you from the restraints and I can't have everyone taking me for granted anymore. I need the freedom, the responsibility, the freshness of freedom. I find myself drifting farther and farther from what I used to be and I hate that... I hate who I am becoming when I go down this road. I miss the magic, the love, the freedom, the choices, the moments, the look in your eyes, the simple look that told me everything I needed to know. I miss the way we were, the moments so anxious to run home, the moments when we were the only ones in the world.

I miss it all and most of all, I miss me. I miss the way I was when I was with you and I miss the person I was, the happy and forgiving girl, the girl that thought it would all end in a fairy tale. And here I am, life has toughened me, love has bruised me, and moments have been waves crashing me into rocks. And I am different, not worse, but different, and I need that freshness of freedom to recover, to heal and to figure out if that fairy tale is still what I want. I am realizing that I may never be the person you are hoping I will be, I may never be that girl that can settle down like you want, the girl that gives up Egypt and Paris and Rome and London for you. I may never be her, I may already not be. I don't know what I will be in 5 years, or even 10, and I never thought I'd be at this point so soon, needing to run away to find something new, running away to do it on my own.

I don't know quite what got me to this point, to this crossroads where I am choosing to be alone over staying here. I'm not sure if it was me or you or us, but suddenly, I need someone to wake up and realize that I'm not here anymore and that I may never be back. I need someone to wake up and realize how much they took me for granted and how much I meant in their lives. I need someone to look out the window and wonder where I am, and maybe just think, maybe how much I meant.

All this is running to the point of being a little selfish, but I've spent my whole life following the rules and thinking of everyone else. I think that it's ok to look at the world a little selfishly, and if running away helps me change someone's life and make a difference, then maybe being selfish isn't all that bad. Maybe making someone realize how much you meant to them long after you're gone falls in to the selfish category, but then again, maybe they needed a little reminder of what they are giving up.