Sometimes we stand at a crossroads, a place where the tide washes against our skin but we are unsure of whether to stay on land or swim into the vast wide open sea in front of us, gesturing for us to join it. Sometimes when we get to that point in our lives, we must figure out what is most important for us, to be totally and chaotically thrown about in the sea, living a new way of life, or staying safe, on land, where we've always been. For myself, there is things about the land that I hate, things that I wish would go away, things that I don't know if I can get over, things that remind me of all the reasons why I want to leave. And looking out at the sea, as it is pulling me farther and farther in, it is so much more appealing than the safety of dry land.
I can't have the nets holding me back any longer, I can't keep fighting you from the restraints and I can't have everyone taking me for granted anymore. I need the freedom, the responsibility, the freshness of freedom. I find myself drifting farther and farther from what I used to be and I hate that... I hate who I am becoming when I go down this road. I miss the magic, the love, the freedom, the choices, the moments, the look in your eyes, the simple look that told me everything I needed to know. I miss the way we were, the moments so anxious to run home, the moments when we were the only ones in the world.
I miss it all and most of all, I miss me. I miss the way I was when I was with you and I miss the person I was, the happy and forgiving girl, the girl that thought it would all end in a fairy tale. And here I am, life has toughened me, love has bruised me, and moments have been waves crashing me into rocks. And I am different, not worse, but different, and I need that freshness of freedom to recover, to heal and to figure out if that fairy tale is still what I want. I am realizing that I may never be the person you are hoping I will be, I may never be that girl that can settle down like you want, the girl that gives up Egypt and Paris and Rome and London for you. I may never be her, I may already not be. I don't know what I will be in 5 years, or even 10, and I never thought I'd be at this point so soon, needing to run away to find something new, running away to do it on my own.
I don't know quite what got me to this point, to this crossroads where I am choosing to be alone over staying here. I'm not sure if it was me or you or us, but suddenly, I need someone to wake up and realize that I'm not here anymore and that I may never be back. I need someone to wake up and realize how much they took me for granted and how much I meant in their lives. I need someone to look out the window and wonder where I am, and maybe just think, maybe how much I meant.
All this is running to the point of being a little selfish, but I've spent my whole life following the rules and thinking of everyone else. I think that it's ok to look at the world a little selfishly, and if running away helps me change someone's life and make a difference, then maybe being selfish isn't all that bad. Maybe making someone realize how much you meant to them long after you're gone falls in to the selfish category, but then again, maybe they needed a little reminder of what they are giving up.
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