Wonderment

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I'd chosen a different path, or if my parents had chosen a different choice. Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I had grown up differently and what life I'd have if just one small detail had been different. And especially lately, I'm wondering where I'm headed. I'm wondering what will fill this void in my heart, and if I'll ever get to fulfill all those dreams I have in my head and in my heart. I'm wondering where I'll be in 5 years, in 10?

Sometimes I just want to hop on the next plane, no matter where it's headed, just to have a change of scenery for a while, a chance for exploration and filling my heart with dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be strong enough to follow my heart to its limits, sometimes I wish I wouldn't listen so closely to what people want from me, but rather, fulfill what I want for myself.

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be if 10 years ago, I'd chosen to be a different person, if 4 years ago I had chosen a different school, and now here I am, about to make more life changing decisions and I can only wonder where I'll be in a month, in a year, in 5 or 10. And so in my heart, as I search to fill the void, I can only hope that in the years to come, some part of me will be the person I hope to be and find what's really out there for me.

Loneliness

Sometimes I wonder where my heart is, and how I got back here, to this place, to the loneliness, to the emptiness. Sometimes I wish I could just pull myself out of everything, just leave everything behind and start over again. Sometimes I wonder what happened, to the girl that was so happy. Sometimes I wonder if this is how life will be forever, happiness and then the loneliness sets in.

Lately, I feel as if there are so many words to say, but no one to say them to. Sometimes all I want to do is sit and look out the window and wonder where I'm going, in life and in love. Sometimes I just want to scream, sometimes I just wish the weight was lifted off my shoulders just for a day.

If only for a day, I didn't have a worry in the world, maybe the pressure lifted would cure my empty heart. Maybe one day, I won't have to fight to laugh, maybe one day soon I will find what I'm looking for, what I need, and what will fill my heart once again.

Two Roads Meet

I can feel it coming to an end, something that's suddenly feeling so suffocating, wishing that things we different, wishing that I didn't feel like I can't breathe here anymore. I've tried time and time again, and every time, the steps fall the same way. We thought we'd accomplish all our dreams together, but sometimes things don't work out how you thought they would.

And this feeling that I have inside isn't going away, no matter how hard I try or how many times I start over clean. It always ends up back inside, making me want to run, to flee, from this net that I have cast over me. Things end, people change and I don't quite know what to say anymore. The words fall on deaf ears anyway and so I'll just keep them to myself, I'll live my own life and try hard to breathe. I know Spring will come and offer me a new life, I know it will, it has to.

This life isn't what it used to be. This apartment, this city, it doesn't fill me anymore, it doesn't bring me the peace it used to. I miss the city lights, the river, the love, the endless days. I think that I was too young when I thought this was what I wanted, I was young and hopeful and able to forgive anything. But I'm not that girl anymore, I'm not the girl you fell for, I've moved far from her into a young woman that doesn't want those things anymore. I know that this has been a long time coming but I feel it coming to an end, where city meets the world, where two roads meet, and I'm going to take one and you the other.

Remember you.

Sometimes we move on from things, though that doesn't mean we forget. There are people that we might never see again, but that we'll never stop remembering. For myself, there are many people in my life that will always be on my mind, when things will remind me of them, even though I probably won't ever see them again. There are so many times when I hear someone laugh and I remember that girl in high school that had so many battles to face, or I'll see a smile and it will forever remind me of that first best friend I had so many years ago in a desert far away.

Life moves us on our own journeys and it's sad that so many people and familiar faces are pulled away from us. It's a harsh part of this world, but a part that is necessary all the same. I have spent the better part of my life searching for the reasons why I had to leave things behind, why life moved me away from certain things and toward others. And I'm realizing day by day that that's just what we must do to move ourselves in to the next part of our lives. It's the journey we're on, and people will come and go, that's why we must trust in ourselves the most, because here and there, we will be alone, and we must be able to move on with our journey by ourselves before relying on any one else.

It's interesting because all around me, the people in my life are going through the same things. Long term relationships that are at a weird place, graduating college, moving on to find a job, Grad school, having babies, getting married, getting divorced. Out of all my friends, I would say that every life step has been completed within us in the last few years. And I sit here and think to myself that with all of this happening, that I am just part of the whole beautiful mess that we call life. I have lost my fair share of friends, had my heart broken and reconciled with those that hurt me. I have loved and wondered where it was going, I have lived with someone, gone against what my parents thought was best, and now will be graduating from college with honors. I have moved and resettled, dreamed and been dissapointed. I have watched friends make terrible mistakes and I have seen what a little encouragement can do. I have been told things that no one else knew, and I have watched friends go through abortions, marriages that would never work, families out of jobs, relationships going no where. I have seen time and time again, all of us struggling with the same things, all of us on the same journey but with different destinations.

And so, as I think about it all this morning, to all those people that have been in my life, forever remembered for special moments, for times when it was them that pulled me through, for memories that never will fade, for old pictures that will always remain in my heart. For everyone that's facing up hill battles, for everyone out there that has lost love, that has watched relationships fail, that has lost someone, that has lost faith in themselves, we are all in this together. Always remember, that I will remember you, forever.

The Chaos

In all the chaos and the long days, I was losing a little bit of who I was in the past few months. So much has happened and with everything changing so fast in front of me and with my life at a huge crossroads, I was feeling a little bit lost, a little bit overwhelmed, and a little bit pushed into a corner. And if you know me at all, I don't do well at all in a corner.

And suddenly tonight, after time to myself, after a day of ups and downs, after a long bath and cup of tea, and episode after episode of Sex and the City, I finally am feeling rejuvenated. I am finally feeling like myself again and I am finally finding out once again, what's important. Finding out again, what life is all about and how things will always work out for a reason.

Tonight after hours of silence and doing nothing for anyone other than myself, I have realized that we must, sometimes, breathe and reboot. That sometimes, what we think is all going wrong, i just what we need to realize what we really have. Sometimes, we need to find our center and just breathe and take in all there is to take in. Sometimes, life just needs to slow down for a night or two for us to understand who we are again and to move on to the chaos again.