Eiffel Tower Dreams

Tonight as the rain pours down outside, my heart is once again at peace. And after a long day with family, family that I trust, that I adore and that inspire me, and a peaceful drive home to the city that has shown me who I am, I am realizing that these past four years have shown me more love and blessings that I could have ever imagined.

I have learned that no matter where you think you'll be, you'll end up somewhere else. That no matter how much you think you know, you can always learn more and that no matter where you think the road leads, there are always detours on that path. I don't know where I'll be in a year, in two, in ten. I don't know if I'll be married, if I'll be in the States or if I'll have found what I'm looking for. I don't know if I'll have stood under the Eiffel Tower and smiled, or if I'll have had my first job, my first apartment paid for all by myself. I don't know when those things will happen, I don't know if I'll have accomplished what I wanted to, and I don't know what detours I'll encounter on the way.

I do know that so far in my life I have been blessed by so many things. I know that I have learned lessons in my 22 years that many live to 50 to never see, I have met people that have changed me, and I have loved and lost, I have done things I never thought I would but that define who I am. I have stood up for myself and what I believe and I have made something of myself, all on my own.

And that is exaclty what I intend to continue to do. I don't know where my road ends up, and I'm happy that I don't. I don't know what speed bumps I will hit or when I will have to find another road, I don't know if I'll get everything I want or if I'll keep the faith I have now. I don't know anything about where I'm going, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that sometimes life has to be that road with no road signs, that we drive just by feeling and that we make it on our own. I've never been one to take the easy way out and I won't ever let myself fall to that. Sometimes that storm that batters us down, is the best thing that ever happened.

So as I sit here tonight, contemplating where I'm at and where I'm going, I know that I am lucky. I know that I headstrong, that I will get to where I want to be, but I won't put a number on it, I won't make myself a schedule for success and I won't lay out my life like a timeline. I know that someday I will get married, someday I'll buy my own apartment in some city, out there some where. I know that someday I'll stand in Cairo and Morocco and all those places that I know I'll visit. I know that someday I'll find that piece of myself that I need to find and that someday I'll have someone looking up to me. I know that someday I'll stand under the Eiffel Tower once again and smile, remembering all those years ago that I stood there and dreamed those first dreams that I always knew would come true.

So as the next chapter of my life begins, I have no idea where I'm going, no idea what I'm up against and no idea how I'll get where I want to be, but it will happen. It will happen because I know it will and I have faith in myself enought to know that I can get there.

With Me

Here I am, alone again, just what I thought I wanted. Here I am, alone here in our apartment, with the sun setting slowly as the light is fading from the day, and we begin a week on our own. Here I am, alone, just like I want so often; when will I realize that maybe this isn't what I want?

And you are always there, ready to admit you were wrong, ready to hold me through the night. There you are, the boy that stole my heart so long ago, and here we are, growing into two very different people than we were back then. Here we are, learning to love again, learning to love the new people we have become.

Keep on believing, keep your faith... and I'm trying to more than you will ever know. Keep holding on, keep hold of my heart and don't let me drift. We'll make it through, we'll fall in love again and find out more about the new people we are becoming each and every day.

So in this next week of our separation, remember my love, that I am here still... though I may be an ocean away. Remember my love, that I am still here, and I am learning to live and love and grow again. Will you learn to live and love and grow with me?

Here

I never thought it would end like this, and I never thought that my heart would be so far away. I never thought that you'd slam that door, and that we'd be all wrong. I never thought that I'd be this girl and that you'd be him, I never thought that everything that life threw at us would be too much. I never thought that I would become such a burden, a chore. I never thought that this life would become so messy, that what we had, would kill me.

I never thought I'd drift so far away or that my heart would feel these emotions. I never thought that you'd need that from me, that you wouldn't know who I was, that you would expect me to be someone different. I never thought that our roads would end here and that you would be him and I would be me. I never thought that these moments would come, and that you would have let me go for so long. I never thought that I'd be here, so young, so ready for the world, and yet still here, not chasing my dreams, not going after my heart, just here, alone and afraid.

Where we Are

I know we're not quite where we used to be, but we're slowly getting there. And we're getting there together, through the stress, through the challenges, through the long days. We're not quite who we used to be but we're learning about life together and I'm not quite sure who I'd be with out you. I've grown into I am with you by my side and I'm not sure who I'd turn into if you were gone now.

I know we're not quite back to the love we used to have, but we're getting there. We're getting to a stronger, deeper, more mature love, a love that has been through life, through challenges, through real heartache and loss. We'll probably be the last of our friends to get married, though we've been together the longest, and that's okay with me because we've been through the ups and downs together, learning about life together and we've been flattened and thrown around and we're still standing, together.

I know we're still finding our way back to where we used to be, and that the road won't come easily or take overnight, I know we're finding who we are with each other beside us, and that life won't get easier or less complicated, it will get worse and harder and test us even more. But I do know that even though it seems we've been through hell and back this year, that I wouldn't want to make it through with anyone else. You know me better, more deeply and more intimately than everyone I've ever met.

And I know that while we're not quite where we used to be, we're getting there. And while we may not be to Paris yet, we're getting close.

Believe in Me

Listen to the sweet evening and grasp the last ounce of light from the stars tonight. Take life by the hand and go after everything in front of you. So often we let everyone tell us that we can't do it, that we can't make it what we want, that we can't make ourselves who we want to be. And even though the road ahead is hard and challenging and earth-shaking and will test our soul, it's the sweet evening breeze and the last ounce of light from the stars that will get us through the toughest times we may face.

It's these years of our lives that are endless, that express open possibilities, that we will get paid horrible wages, work long hours and dream of everything we'll someday have, but it's these times that we are the most alive, that things are the most thrilling and that life is just beginning. It's these times that we have the truest friends, the most intense lovers, the longest minutes and the even longer days. And while we may think that time is flying by, it will only continue to fly by faster... so we must enjoy the time that we have.

So take in the sweet evening tonight, and take a look up at the stars, and have faith that things will come and things will go and we'll find love and we'll lose it, and we'll move away and we'll come home, and we'll have rainy days and we'll have sunny ones. We'll fail and we'll succeed and we'll find ourselves and lose ourselves over and over again. And we must know, that all along the journey, it just becomes more beautiful as we progress, more intense and more lovely. Believe in us, believe in me. We will make it to all of our dreams... it just might take some time.