Can't Give up Me

There are things in life that must happen. Things that must occur in order for us to live the lives we're meant to live. There are moments that must pass, and moments that must take your breath away. There are dreams that must be fulfilled and there are memories that must be forgotten, or perhaps not all but forgotten, but tucked away where they can't hurt us anymore. There are nights that must pass slowly and there are days and weeks that must fly by in the blink of an eye.

I can't believe how quickly time is flying by, how quickly the months are passing and soon the years will be gone, the opportunities that I always wanted lost to the passing time, if I don't do it now, if I don't chase those dreams, if I don't experience all of the world that I want to, one day I will wake up and time will be gone. One day I will wake up and those dreams will be dead.

So I hope you understand that nothing has ever meant more to me in my life than those dreams I've always had. They are what keep me alive and going, they are what put me to sleep every night and what get me up in the morning. Those dreams are the dreams that drive me, the moments that take my breath away and the feeling inside my heart. I hope you can see that if I give that up now, if I secede those dreams that make me who I am, if I relinquish all that I control to what makes me myself, then I give up my soul, I give up the life that I want and need and love.

I give up me.

And I'm at a point in my life that I don't want to give myself up, that I don't think that I should have to. I want to go out and live, and grow and experience the world and not feel guilty about that. I want to travel and live and love and enjoy every minute of it, never having to be somewhere else or feel like I should be doing something else. This is my time to feel, to breathe, to live, without pressures, without responsibilities, without regrets.

And I need to be me and no one else, and I need to move ahead and I need to follow my dreams. And I need to do what I want for once, and to follow my heart, and to pray and to feel. I don't want to give it up right now and I won't for a while, if I ever do. I can't nail down an answer yes or no, I can't tell you I'll be back because I don't know if I ever will, I can't tell you that I will outgrow this, because I don't know if that's true. I can't give up on what I want and neither should you.

I can't give up on me.

Faith

As I sit here tonight, thinking about how one week ago I was attending mass at the cathedral in Seoul, and looking around me and thinking how global religion is. Faith is such a worldwide, international language and no matter where you are, you'll find it, some form of religion and prayer, some form of faith. No matter how far you search, you will always find the call of prayer. For me, it took me a while to find my faith again after I grew up with it, after I had to make the decision on my own. But now in my life, my faith holds so dear to my heart and so often, my faith is what soothes me these days. It's that few hours a week, sitting in mass, in a place where only prayer and peace reign, that makes me wonder how I could ever doubt it. And while there are things that a human church on earth may get wrong, it is the power of faith and prayer and devotion that carry us believers through our lives. It's knowing that while there is nothing we can prove, it's the power of faith and prayer that makes us who we are and that makes our hearts grow each and every day.

It's the peace we feel in a mass, in prayer or in devoted time. It's the faith in our souls, and the faith is the church that pull us through those moments when we need a little bit extra. And no matter where you are in the world, there will be religion and faith and prayer, because without it, we'd be more lost than we are.

The Search

What is it when there are so many choices to make and only complicated answers to the questions we face? What happens when everything is laid out before you and suddenly you have no idea which decision to make? Where is the line between the correct choice and the wrong one? And how long do we wait for things to change, before we change them ourselves? What is the price we pay for following our hearts and our dreams?

Suddenly my head is filled to the brim with questions, and no matter which I look at it, the answers are all more complicated than the questions they answer. There are moments when I wonder if it's all worth it, and then I sit here looking out at the blue sky and mountains, at the city before me and the ocean beyond and I smile because I know in the end it is worth it, every second of doubt is made right because this is the life I want, complicated or not.

But how do we handle the tough decisions, how do we find the balance between hurting someone else and hurting ourselves? And when is the line drawn that shows us the decision has been made? When do we move forward with the heartache and leave it all behind? Maybe I'm not up for making these choices, maybe I need to just let it all happen on its own, but somehow inside of me, I can't do that... I've never been able to do that. I have to make the choice, I have to do it for me and for everyone around me. Sometimes I feel like my head is so filled with questions that I never get a moment anymore to just feel... I guess that until I am exactly where I think I should be I won't get that, until I know for sure, with all my certainty that this is what is meant for me, that everything in my life is in the place it should be, I'll always be searching for that peace I know I'll find, someday.

Like I used to...

Sometimes I wonder how I became this way. Sometimes I get so caught up in where I want to be and who I want to become that I forget what's most important in life. Sometimes I just miss the feeling of the Portland city streets under my feet, or the beautiful green leaves that fill the trees during the spring. I miss the 15 minute walks and I miss the love that I felt so abundantly in that city. Sometimes I wonder about my choices, about where I'm headed. Sometimes I find myself thinking about your smile, about the times when we were so happy in our little city, in our little apartment, in our little life. And sometimes, in this grand life I'm living, I can't help but wonder what it would be like there.

I know I still want to chase all those dreams, but lately I've been wondering if it's worth it alone? I feel a little lonely here tonight... and missing the feeling I had in Seoul just a few days ago and missing the feeling of Portland in the fall... if only I could have it all in one life, if only I could figure out a way to combine it all.

If only I could have it all figured out like I used to...

Cravings

All my life I've craved different cultures, all my life I've been more comfortable with people that share that interest with me, that share a background like me, that share the mind set I've just always had. I've always felt like I'd never be content to live my whole life in the States, it's just not for me. And being here in Korea, being mixed among so many different kinds of people, with so many different backgrounds, experiencing so many different things, it's only validating everything I've always thought. I need a life like this, whether it's in Asia or Europe or the Middle East, I will always crave this life, this international life, the world as my home, learning languages and learning to live like these cultures.

It's so refreshing being here after so many years in the States. It makes me know that my heart still craves this, that this is really all I've ever really known and pushing myself to live an average life in the States is not what will make me happy. This trip was exactly what I needed at this point in my life, exactly what my body and soul needed, and it has brought me so many answers to so many unanswered questions lingering. I finally see the world like I used to, I'm living it like I used to, and I'm finally feeling that sense of place again, that sense of place that I crave and love and hold so very dear to me.

Journey Ahead

It's raining here this morning, a beautiful downpour of raindrops and it's appropriate to wake up today to the sound that always calms me, the rain that soothes me deep into myself on this day of any others. Today I embark on a new journey, my first trip overseas in 12 years, my first trip overseas on my own, my first trip for work, my first experience being the person I've always dreamed of being. And in 24 hours, I will be out of the country, back in the world that I've missed for so long. And as I watch the rain pour down outside, my heart is smiling so big you can't even imagine.

I finally feel like myself again, like this is who I am, like the past 12 years haven't mattered and I'm back to that girl that grew up half a world away. And all this time that's passed hasn't changed any part of me, I still long to return to the places that made me who I am.

It's easy to leave things behind and to get caught up over time in a life that makes you comfortable but not happy. And for too long, I've put the life I need to live behind me, and finally, I feel like I have the wings to fly. Every day I wake up and know that this is the life I've always needed, the world I've always craved and the experiences that will shape my journey ahead.

My City

Isn't it ironic that we spend our lives trading one thing for another. We trade the beautiful colors for palm-tree filled paradise. We trade being with someone we love to living alone and we trade a city full of cobblestones and outdoor dining for a city that's mismatched and not really alive in exactly the same way. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely enjoying this era of my life and learning from all the experiences that I am supposed to, waking up every morning to the ocean and the beautiful blue sky. But suddenly this morning it dawned on me, I won't have the fall this year, not in the way I love. I won't have the changing color, not in the way I love. I won't have those days when it's bone chillingly cold but somehow still so beautiful. I won't have the dark rainy winter days I love or that time in the fall when everybody moves their outdoor tables inside.

I am realizing more and more every day that while my life here is beautiful, stunning actually and it seems that I've gotten everything I've always wanted, another city will always be my home. This place here, while beautiful and seductive, isn't the city I love... it's not the place I will ever call my real home.

And while there may be many cities in my life, and they all will have things I love, like this beautiful view and a balcony overlooking the city, none of them will have the feeling of the one city that became mine at 18, the one city that sits on the Willamette River and the city that a 20 minute walk will get you anywhere. It's the city that's not really a real "city city" but big enough to look impressive. It's the city that first made me feel alive, the city that I habitually feel safe in. It's the city that holds my heart and perhaps it always will.