So much is possible in two tiny days. And in two days, we can become someone new, we can change a life, we can change our own lives. We can put up a Christmas tree, and take it down. We can see family, and we can break away. We can sit on our own, and we can sit with someone we love. We can get engaged, we can wonder where life is leading us, and we can wonder if everything will work out. We can wonder where the next few months will bring us, or we can wonder about the next few years, and even after that. I have no idea where I'll be next year, if I'll be married, or in another city. I have no idea where I'll be in five years, or in ten, and that is why life is so damn interesting and terrifying all at once.
I think so much we sit back and just wait for everything to work out, and we take the phrase, "if it's meant to be," too much to heart. I very much believe that phrase, yet I also believe that we must go out there and grab the things we want. I believe very much in expecting the best from everyone, whether or not they can achieve it, it makes a person work harder and become better if we have a goal in mind. I believe in chasing dreams, in not holding yourself back, whatever that may mean individually. I believe that sometimes life isn't so much about memories, but more about moments, in which you felt a certain way, an emotion that you hold on to, of how you felt, and what you felt, and why you felt it. My life has been very much that way, it has been a collection, not of memories, but rather of emotions that I felt at certain moments. It's about knowing how to say goodbyes and yet still being able to say hellos. It's about feeling like someone has just crushed your heart, and feeling like you are flying. Life is about the emotions, that's what makes us distinct, human. Without emotions, we are nothing, we aren't living.
I had a moment on Christmas, when the boy I love more than anything in the world, the young man that stole my heart at 18, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. There was a moment, when two distinct worlds flashed before me, a world with him, and a world without, and there was no question of my answer, never any doubt. There was a moment when I knew exactly how I felt and why I felt it. And I said yes, because my emotions spoke for me, knowing exactly what my heart wants.
I have so many emotions in my mind tonight and have been for the last few days, and I think that's good, at least for me, that's how I know I am feeling, living, loving. And as I look down at this stunning ring on my finger, I can't help but to imagine everything with him, every emotion, every moment, every memory. We have built this life, and we have seen each other through everything, and I know down the road, our wedding will be beautiful, our life memorable and perhaps one day I'll look back and read this and smile, remembering exactly how I felt, and exactly why I felt it, listening to music, next to my white Christmas tree, in this apartment in our city, at the end of December.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Settle
I can't sleep and after having been deprived internet for a week, I felt a very huge pull to this blog, this 4am in the morning. I'm not exactly sure what I feel or why I feel it, and suddenly I'm so unsteady. The answers never seem easy anymore and every day, it seems that life is harder and harder, that we have to make tougher decisions than the day before, that we must fight find the right thing, even if we have no idea what that may be. I wonder sometimes when balance will return to the way I live, when I will stop trading things I think I liked for things that I'm not sure if I can like again. This six months of my life have tested me... beyond anything I have ever felt. And while it may look like I have come out on the other side unscathed, it is quite the opposite. There are scars, there are hugely open and unhealed scars, of the places that have tested me life in the last half year, and they are wounds that will take some time to heal, wounds that will always be with me a little bit from now on. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions I have been on this year and as I look back, this has been one of the hardest years of my entire 23 years of life. All you have to do is read my back blogs starting in May and see the journey, though journey seems to have too much of a positive connotation, but rather perhaps a road of lessons is better coined.
And there tonight lays my empty apartment on the islands. With it's balcony, and tile floors. And a very large part of me misses it, a very large part of me has grown very accustomed to life there, and while the cons outweigh the pros, I was at a point where I was at peace with it all, and somehow my little apartment overlooking Kalakaua avenue took me away from it all. A big part of me is still left in Hawaii, whether I like it or not. My parents, who I have grown close to all over again, my one and only ever little convertible, my first apartment paid for on my own, my office, my jamba juice and starbux. I did build a life there, and though I hate the hot year-round and the beauocracies of Hawaii are my biggest pet peeve, I still have a part there. I did have my own little place there, however removed it might have been.
There are moments when I wonder if I am giving up the right things and if once again, am I trading it all too early? Am I making the right choice and if so, why do I feel like I'm letting so many down? I hate that I have to make the choice, I hate that I can't have the best of both worlds, but I don't think that's entirely possible. and maybe it shouldn't be. All I know is that I have a very different lifestyle than most of the people in my life, and sometimes, I feel so alone, so out of touch with most of the people in my life. Lost in the shuffle, with no one to really feel the pain with me.
And in my young life, I have endured this lonely lost-ness before, this unsurity, this moment of weakness when I don't know where to turn. It's happened numerous occasions in my young life and while I am no stranger to it, I am definitely no where used it yet and every time, I look back on the past experience and wonder how I made it through. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been different if I had had more of a conventional upbringing, or if no matter what I went through in life, this is how I would end up. How much does nature affect nurture and vice versa?
So I sit here at 5 in the morning, in the cold rainy Northwest, the place I know call home, both physically and emotionally at the moment and I can't help but hope the day will bring peace. And I think back to Hawaii, to my parents who I have so immensely enjoyed laughing with, having dinner with, just being with, to my sleeping little apartment with the balcony I've always wanted. This is going to take some getting used to, some adjusting to be back here. And while this is home, I've been so unsettled for so long, so pushed through the motions, one plane ride after another, that I'm going to have to find peace yet again, and I'm going to have to settle myself and my soul.
It's ironic that my life has turned out the way it has, because it seems that every time I get settled somewhere, something else comes up that makes me make a change and from that consequent change, come this period of resettling and of wondering if I made the right choice. It's been that way my whole life, when I moved to Portland on my own for college, when I switched schools, when I moved in with Nick and gave up my little pink apartment, when I moved to Hawaii, and now when I've "moved" back.
But life must go on, and as much as we sometimes need it to, the world will not stop for our panic. It will not wait for us to find peace in order to go on again, and so we must live and breathe and move on all at once. And while I feel so very exposed, lonely, lost, unsure, scarred, pained, and unready, I must move on to settle myself once again and find peace in my soul. Only time will tell but for now, here is yet another change, yet another move, yet another step along the way.
And there tonight lays my empty apartment on the islands. With it's balcony, and tile floors. And a very large part of me misses it, a very large part of me has grown very accustomed to life there, and while the cons outweigh the pros, I was at a point where I was at peace with it all, and somehow my little apartment overlooking Kalakaua avenue took me away from it all. A big part of me is still left in Hawaii, whether I like it or not. My parents, who I have grown close to all over again, my one and only ever little convertible, my first apartment paid for on my own, my office, my jamba juice and starbux. I did build a life there, and though I hate the hot year-round and the beauocracies of Hawaii are my biggest pet peeve, I still have a part there. I did have my own little place there, however removed it might have been.
There are moments when I wonder if I am giving up the right things and if once again, am I trading it all too early? Am I making the right choice and if so, why do I feel like I'm letting so many down? I hate that I have to make the choice, I hate that I can't have the best of both worlds, but I don't think that's entirely possible. and maybe it shouldn't be. All I know is that I have a very different lifestyle than most of the people in my life, and sometimes, I feel so alone, so out of touch with most of the people in my life. Lost in the shuffle, with no one to really feel the pain with me.
And in my young life, I have endured this lonely lost-ness before, this unsurity, this moment of weakness when I don't know where to turn. It's happened numerous occasions in my young life and while I am no stranger to it, I am definitely no where used it yet and every time, I look back on the past experience and wonder how I made it through. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been different if I had had more of a conventional upbringing, or if no matter what I went through in life, this is how I would end up. How much does nature affect nurture and vice versa?
So I sit here at 5 in the morning, in the cold rainy Northwest, the place I know call home, both physically and emotionally at the moment and I can't help but hope the day will bring peace. And I think back to Hawaii, to my parents who I have so immensely enjoyed laughing with, having dinner with, just being with, to my sleeping little apartment with the balcony I've always wanted. This is going to take some getting used to, some adjusting to be back here. And while this is home, I've been so unsettled for so long, so pushed through the motions, one plane ride after another, that I'm going to have to find peace yet again, and I'm going to have to settle myself and my soul.
It's ironic that my life has turned out the way it has, because it seems that every time I get settled somewhere, something else comes up that makes me make a change and from that consequent change, come this period of resettling and of wondering if I made the right choice. It's been that way my whole life, when I moved to Portland on my own for college, when I switched schools, when I moved in with Nick and gave up my little pink apartment, when I moved to Hawaii, and now when I've "moved" back.
But life must go on, and as much as we sometimes need it to, the world will not stop for our panic. It will not wait for us to find peace in order to go on again, and so we must live and breathe and move on all at once. And while I feel so very exposed, lonely, lost, unsure, scarred, pained, and unready, I must move on to settle myself once again and find peace in my soul. Only time will tell but for now, here is yet another change, yet another move, yet another step along the way.
Friday, December 11, 2009
The Journey Home
I just woke up from the best dream I've had in so very long and suddenly, I know that everything is falling into place how it should and I know that it's right. For so long I've been toying with what is right to do, with trying to figure out in my mind if it really is right for me to move back to Portland and if I'm doing it for the right reasons, it's something that on the surface, I feel like I should do, but down deep I have been struggling with it, for many reasons.
And yet, here tonight, at 2 in the morning, as I lay here thinking about the beautiful and so very vivid dream I just had, a dream about my city, about meeting old friends, about memories of my first year there in Portland, about making new memories, about moments that slip away anywhere else but that become so very beautiful there. I dreamt of walking the park blocks, of the apartment buildings, of that feeling of just being there, of knowing that's where you fit. I dreamt of the waterfront, of my old apartment, of those pink walls, of weekends at home, of real weekends, of peace, of being settled, of walking the streets and feeling it under my feet. I dreamt of the rain, washing down and down outside, of the beauty of the spring, and the glory of the fall. I dreamt of the feeling of being loved, of waking up everyday and knowing I'm where I'm supposed to be, of adventures, of finding new places, of growing up, of the smell of the city air, of the Pearl, of driving to the coast, and dancing in the rain. I dreamt of photos, lots and lots of photos, of memories, of seeing the city grow, of weekends with family, of moments alone, to sit and look around and find peace in where I am. I dreamt of all those first memories, the first days of college, the first friends, the first loves, the first nights alone at my apartment, the first pieces of that life that I built, all on my own.
Portland is one of those places that is down deep under my skin, that fits, that feels comfortable. Its a city that is big enough to keep your distance, but that lets you run into random people on the street. It's a place that holds my heart and holds who I am. So as I start packing up my life again ... I find myself on the journey home, on the journey to where I want to be, the journey to who I need and want to be.
And yet, here tonight, at 2 in the morning, as I lay here thinking about the beautiful and so very vivid dream I just had, a dream about my city, about meeting old friends, about memories of my first year there in Portland, about making new memories, about moments that slip away anywhere else but that become so very beautiful there. I dreamt of walking the park blocks, of the apartment buildings, of that feeling of just being there, of knowing that's where you fit. I dreamt of the waterfront, of my old apartment, of those pink walls, of weekends at home, of real weekends, of peace, of being settled, of walking the streets and feeling it under my feet. I dreamt of the rain, washing down and down outside, of the beauty of the spring, and the glory of the fall. I dreamt of the feeling of being loved, of waking up everyday and knowing I'm where I'm supposed to be, of adventures, of finding new places, of growing up, of the smell of the city air, of the Pearl, of driving to the coast, and dancing in the rain. I dreamt of photos, lots and lots of photos, of memories, of seeing the city grow, of weekends with family, of moments alone, to sit and look around and find peace in where I am. I dreamt of all those first memories, the first days of college, the first friends, the first loves, the first nights alone at my apartment, the first pieces of that life that I built, all on my own.
Portland is one of those places that is down deep under my skin, that fits, that feels comfortable. Its a city that is big enough to keep your distance, but that lets you run into random people on the street. It's a place that holds my heart and holds who I am. So as I start packing up my life again ... I find myself on the journey home, on the journey to where I want to be, the journey to who I need and want to be.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Struggle Along
I have sat here a hundred times, looked out over this place, over this city, if you can call Honolulu a "city," it's really more of a town that outgrew itself and never quite caught up from the rush of the 1970's when tourists flocked here, when it was such an old way of life, the real "Hawaiian" way of life. And this city, this island has never really caught up with the rest of the states, always a step behind, always struggling to catch up. And here I sit once again, looking out over the balcony of my 11th floor balcony, over the famed strip of Kalakaua, the road that winds through the famous coastline of Waikiki, and I have to laugh at myself at home I ended up here, at how my life has taken this path.
This was never a place I wanted to be, never a place that I dreamed of going to, never a place that interested me at all really. But it was a place that happened to me by happen-stance and by coincidence and by whatever is meant to happen in my life. But I am realizing more and more everyday that my life is not that of normality, or of predictability. Every stage in my life, I never would have thought I would have ended up there, and I have never been able to look ahead and predict where I'll be in 2, 5, or 10 years. And the beautiful part is that I don't really want to. And while that drives me absolutely insane to not know what is going to happen, I love it too because it makes me enjoy the ride, it makes me find out more about myself and it makes me want to find out where I'll be next.
My life might change in a few weeks, or it might not, but either way, I have posed the difficult questions and I have gotten my answers to them. I can move on, with what I want my future to be. I can move on to the next thing and know that this step in the journey happened for a reason, that this step was needed for me to move forward. And whether or not I'm back in Portland in the new year, I'm doing okay, I'm making my way through the crises, through the uncomfortable and devastating moments, through the heat, through the uncertainty and I'm okay. And while I want so much in my life right now, I want to be working back home, I want to move forward in my relationship, I want to pass my LEED tests and trudge forward with my NCIDQ, I want to save money for a trip to Europe and Morocco and I want to pay off all my credit cards. I want all of that, but I know that it might not happen right away, it might not happen when I think it will, but that's okay, because I know it will all happen eventually and if I've learned anything in my 23 years, it's that life happens on it's own schedule, on its own timeframe and we are just here along for the ride, hoping to just make the best of it while we struggle along.
This was never a place I wanted to be, never a place that I dreamed of going to, never a place that interested me at all really. But it was a place that happened to me by happen-stance and by coincidence and by whatever is meant to happen in my life. But I am realizing more and more everyday that my life is not that of normality, or of predictability. Every stage in my life, I never would have thought I would have ended up there, and I have never been able to look ahead and predict where I'll be in 2, 5, or 10 years. And the beautiful part is that I don't really want to. And while that drives me absolutely insane to not know what is going to happen, I love it too because it makes me enjoy the ride, it makes me find out more about myself and it makes me want to find out where I'll be next.
My life might change in a few weeks, or it might not, but either way, I have posed the difficult questions and I have gotten my answers to them. I can move on, with what I want my future to be. I can move on to the next thing and know that this step in the journey happened for a reason, that this step was needed for me to move forward. And whether or not I'm back in Portland in the new year, I'm doing okay, I'm making my way through the crises, through the uncomfortable and devastating moments, through the heat, through the uncertainty and I'm okay. And while I want so much in my life right now, I want to be working back home, I want to move forward in my relationship, I want to pass my LEED tests and trudge forward with my NCIDQ, I want to save money for a trip to Europe and Morocco and I want to pay off all my credit cards. I want all of that, but I know that it might not happen right away, it might not happen when I think it will, but that's okay, because I know it will all happen eventually and if I've learned anything in my 23 years, it's that life happens on it's own schedule, on its own timeframe and we are just here along for the ride, hoping to just make the best of it while we struggle along.
Friday, December 04, 2009
Power
What is it exactly that makes people be unfaithful to those they love? How does it start exactly and what is going through their minds? It seems in the past week or so it's been a hot topic, both in the media and personally so many comments have been made about men cheating on their wives in my office, a topic that is unfortunately not rare with the men in that I work with. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's because my whole life I was fairly sheltered from that reality of the world, that I was surrounded by faithful men my whole life, but I didn't realize how rampant this is in our society, not really until this year. How can you do that, come home and pretend like it's all okay? How could you do that to someone you love, or at least loved at one time, enough to be with them, to marry them? How has our society made that so common place, so non-important?
It's been a topic on my mind a lot this week and as I think about it, it's yet another thing that I feel like is so wrong with our world. And I know a lot of people, both friends and acquaintances and colleagues that have cheated on their significant others. And some of them are just bad guys, some of them lost my respect the instant I met them, but some of them are good friends of mine, some of them are girls, some are guys, some it was just one kiss, and others it was a full on affair. And most of my friends were in situations where they really did love their significant other, but cheated anyway. Other colleagues have been cheating for years and years and act like that's just normal, that's just how life works. Either way, when you love someone, and you care about them and their well being, how could you hurt them so deeply, how could you be with someone else and then come home to your wife or girlfriend and live with yourself?
I can't imagine keeping something like that from someone I love, let alone finding out that someone I love had been keeping that from me. And I have to believe that if that happened, if I found out something like that, I would walk away right then and there. And when the truth comes out, why don't these women leave? Why do they stay for years and years in marriages when their husbands are sleeping with every girl they can find? Whey do these women condone this, to keep a marriage together or not, I don't know if that is forgivable, and even if you can forgive, can you forget? And every night when you go bed with that person, you'd be wondering if he is thinking about her. I don't know how you could get over that, how you could stay?
It seems this topic is so ordinary to some, so openly acceptable and I have found that colleagues of mine have just been so nonchalant in expressing to me how they are unfaithful to their wives, and why me? Why tell me that, why make those comments and I think the reason is this: these men that cheat, these men that are unfaithful, for whatever reason, have no respect for me, no respect for women in general, they are selfish and pompous, they are men that don't have the courage to live a life worthy of respect from others. And they sometimes they look at me like any of their other girls, sometimes I know what they are thinking and then I realize that unlike the other girls, there is a part of them that is scared of me because they know me, what I can do and what I stand for. I scare them because unlike all those other girls who give themselves up so easily, I stand for something more, I have more respect for myself not to stoop to that level and I have the power that they wish they had.
It's been a topic on my mind a lot this week and as I think about it, it's yet another thing that I feel like is so wrong with our world. And I know a lot of people, both friends and acquaintances and colleagues that have cheated on their significant others. And some of them are just bad guys, some of them lost my respect the instant I met them, but some of them are good friends of mine, some of them are girls, some are guys, some it was just one kiss, and others it was a full on affair. And most of my friends were in situations where they really did love their significant other, but cheated anyway. Other colleagues have been cheating for years and years and act like that's just normal, that's just how life works. Either way, when you love someone, and you care about them and their well being, how could you hurt them so deeply, how could you be with someone else and then come home to your wife or girlfriend and live with yourself?
I can't imagine keeping something like that from someone I love, let alone finding out that someone I love had been keeping that from me. And I have to believe that if that happened, if I found out something like that, I would walk away right then and there. And when the truth comes out, why don't these women leave? Why do they stay for years and years in marriages when their husbands are sleeping with every girl they can find? Whey do these women condone this, to keep a marriage together or not, I don't know if that is forgivable, and even if you can forgive, can you forget? And every night when you go bed with that person, you'd be wondering if he is thinking about her. I don't know how you could get over that, how you could stay?
It seems this topic is so ordinary to some, so openly acceptable and I have found that colleagues of mine have just been so nonchalant in expressing to me how they are unfaithful to their wives, and why me? Why tell me that, why make those comments and I think the reason is this: these men that cheat, these men that are unfaithful, for whatever reason, have no respect for me, no respect for women in general, they are selfish and pompous, they are men that don't have the courage to live a life worthy of respect from others. And they sometimes they look at me like any of their other girls, sometimes I know what they are thinking and then I realize that unlike the other girls, there is a part of them that is scared of me because they know me, what I can do and what I stand for. I scare them because unlike all those other girls who give themselves up so easily, I stand for something more, I have more respect for myself not to stoop to that level and I have the power that they wish they had.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Every Moment
There are so many moments in my life that I remember like they were yesterday. Some were good, some bad, some were unexpected, some exhilarating. And as I sit here tonight in this apartment that was supposed to be everything I ever wanted, I feel all those moments all over again. I have been especially reminiscent today, especially remembering all those tiny moments that changed my life in some way or another.
I have learned so much in the past year, and I think I have changed considerably in who I am and what I believe because of what has happened in my life. There are no answers to exactly why things happened the way they happened, but they did happen for some specific reason and I sit here tonight for the same specific reason.
There are so many things that my life has showed me this year, so many things that seem to be pulling me in your direction. So many moments lying here at night, looking out over the thousands of lights, over the dark ocean toward where you are and needing you to just love me, to want me forever, to know that I'm the one, to know that I am worth the risk, worth the adventure, worth everything we could have together.
I can't help but feel such a mix of emotions tonight. I'm unsettled, afraid, anxious, restless, emotional, tired, and calm. But the one emotion that conquers them all, is love. All I need tonight is for you to love me, to know that I am worth every second, every risk, every moment.
I have learned so much in the past year, and I think I have changed considerably in who I am and what I believe because of what has happened in my life. There are no answers to exactly why things happened the way they happened, but they did happen for some specific reason and I sit here tonight for the same specific reason.
There are so many things that my life has showed me this year, so many things that seem to be pulling me in your direction. So many moments lying here at night, looking out over the thousands of lights, over the dark ocean toward where you are and needing you to just love me, to want me forever, to know that I'm the one, to know that I am worth the risk, worth the adventure, worth everything we could have together.
I can't help but feel such a mix of emotions tonight. I'm unsettled, afraid, anxious, restless, emotional, tired, and calm. But the one emotion that conquers them all, is love. All I need tonight is for you to love me, to know that I am worth every second, every risk, every moment.
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