Outstayed my Invitation

I thought by coming back here, by going on a risk, by taking a chance, by following where my heart led me that it would make you happy. I thought that by saying yes, it would mean that I was making our dreams come true, but the more that I realize, it only made my dreams come true, never yours. The happy boy that I fell in love with has turned to anger, to punching walls, to running away when I need him the most. The love I knew has changed, and the smile I fell in love with is gone from our lives.

I thought that making this our home, that by being a new version of myself was what you wanted. I thought that by being the girl that you wanted would make you happy. I thought that moments like this were behind us. I thought that we'd have figured it out by now, that no matter what happened between us, you'd find that happiness again. I thought that you were just trying to figure it out, that if I gave you time, if I showed you I am here, that I am willing to give it all up for you, everything I believe in... for you, that you'd see it and just coming running to fall back in love with me.

I thought that I had compromised, that I had given you what you wanted, at least mixed it together with what I wanted. I thought that the anger would fade, that the smile would return when I got home. I thought that it would change.

And now here we are, very possibly the last 3 weeks for me to be here before I might have to leave again. And here we are, 28 days left, 28 days left to see me everyday, to hold me, to wake up next to me, 28 days to have dinner with me, 28 days come home to me, not just an empty apartment.

And here we are, and apparently everything that I thought you wanted isn't what you want at all. Everything that I thought would make you happy again isn't even coming close; apparently I am not making you happy. And the saddest part of all, is that in the unraveling, my dreams are the ones being crushed because all I want anymore is be with you, and you seem like this is what you want, for me to leave, to not deal with it anymore, to have your life back and to do exactly what you want, when you want. It seems to me that I have outstayed my invitation and nothing I do can make you happy anymore.

The road only leads ahead

I have finally found my way home and there are moments when I look around me and just smile to myself knowing that I am home. I think that it took me so long to get to this point that now that I'm here I know it's real and that all the doubts I've always had are finally being reassured.

Someone this morning asked me if I was ready to get married, if I am sure. And I could honestly say yes, that I am sure, that I am in love and that I want to be with him. It's not the ring that tells me I love him or that I've made the right choice. It's the feeling in my heart, it's the smile on my face and it's the life I've built that I know is true. And so, as I ride the max home, I look out at beautiful Portland and smile, because no matter what life brings or where I go, I finally have somewhere to call home and someone that I love more than life. I finally have that dream and the road only leads ahead.

Follow My Heart

Sometimes I think you have to just go for something, something that you know is right, something that you know you love. Sometimes I think that you have to get past what might happen, or what might not and just go after your heart. I think that I need to follow my heart in this and follow my dreams... I need to do what will make me happy and whole and loved.

This is a decision that is hard for me, a decision that is difficult for me to take knowing that I might have to depend on someone else, knowing that I might have to give up a job, a part of me, knowing that I might very well have to give up certain things to gain others... like a husband, like a dream wedding with chandeliers and cupcakes and champagne. And I am realizing that I want that more and more and I want to be here, to be home, to be a wife, to be in love, to take the chance, to take the risk, to take that leap. To do it for myself, to follow my heart... to be at peace.

Always on My Side

Sometimes when I look back, I realize how easy everything was back when we were younger. When I was falling love, when college was my biggest challenge, when my boyfriend surprised me with little things that made the biggest difference in the world, when I could drive two hours to go home to see my family and when the days seemed endless and like they lasted forever. And it seems that those days were the years I will always remember and that's how I picture Portland always, those first walks down to Ai from my old apartment, streetcar rides with friends, riverfront parks and afternoons spent writing. Those evening runs across the bridge, and afternoon trips to UP to see my boyfriend.

And here I am, 4 years later, graduated from college almost a year, back in Portland for a bit, and learning to live a new life with my now fiance. And suddenly life is all about putting wood floors into our apartment, discussing the biggest things in life, working, supporting ourselves for the first time, learning how to be together and independent, how to not give up all of myself to have a life with him. And sitting here this morning in our apartment, in this city that will always be our city to me, I am finally realizing that no matter what we argue about, or no matter how far we go, the little things really never change over time and those are the things that mean the most in the end... it's those little things like having lunch bought for you, or Starbucks in the mornings even if you know it's coming. Or those times when you can just laugh with each other over the stupidest of things, or something that only you two understand.

So things may have changed in the last 4 years, and a new ring may be on my finger, I may be living somewhere new, but one thing has always stayed constant, the young man that I am going to marry has always been that light in my darkness and the friend that got me through. He's who I share my deepest feelings with and who truly knows who I am. And while I'm trying to figure out who I am now, and who I'm not... I know that he is the one that will stand beside me and will always be on my side.

As Bad

There are moments when I wonder if everyone else goes through all that goes through my life. And this week has been such a mix of high and low... after all I am home, finally. And content and rested and relaxed and happy. On the other hand, my family is going through a lot right now that we don't yet know a lot about and it's been weighing very heavily on my mind. And this is different, it's not just the stupid drama of boyfriends or adults that can't seem to realize they are adults, this is real, this is too close to home, this is serious.

And my prayers this week are floating toward that, and my thoughts are pulling toward it, in a way that it's always in the back of my mind. And all I can think is, what if it was me?

So I'll say a prayer and think of it and hope it's not as bad as we think.