In the rain... just like I left it.

Finally a moment, to sit, to think, to write. And as I sit amongst candles, music, and blankets I find myself thinking of so much. I find myself thinking back to these past few months and what they have brought and what they have taken away. And in many ways, more life changing things have occurred since December in not only my life but many of those close around me, that it's sometimes hard to take it all in. This will most likely be my last month in Portland for a while, until I return for good at least. And I find myself reminiscent and downhearted at that thought. Though I must return to that island apartment for a while, to finish out what I started there. And this time it's different, this time I'm not leaving to run away, I'm leaving to come back and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's 5 months instead of a year. It's knowing that we are strong enough now, that we've been through worse and that when I come home, I'm finally home for good. When I come home, I am home every night in his arms, waking up every morning to see him next to me.

And sometimes I think to myself about what's going on in my life and I'm a bit amazed. In just 9 months I will be 6 days away from my wedding, in just 5 months I will be packing to come home for good, in just 3 months I will be saying goodbye to my ocean view apartment with the balcony, and so time will fly and we will be alright. This crazy life is so close within our reach finally, and finally I have never been so sure of anything in my life. I imagine that day all the time, walking down that aisle to meet you at the other end, saying those vows in front of everyone we love, hearing people toast us, and watching all those amazing people in our lives be there to show us they believe in us and to support us and all we've been through.

Life seems to never stop, and so when I get a moment like this tonight, to sit, to just breathe and to let myself just be, it brings to mind so many thoughts, so many things that I am so thankful for, so excited for. I am so ready for this next chapter in my life and when I look around at the life we've made, at what we've done, we've done pretty damn good. So as I move forward, as I embrace my last full month in this beautiful Pacific city, I will embrace every day as my last, I will smile as I see the streetcar pass, and laugh when it starts raining. I will wear all my cherished coats and wrap myself in scarves. I will cherish it all, and I will know that when I put all those winter clothes away and pack my bags to head back to the Islands, I will only be there for 5 months, and that when I return, everything I love will be waiting right here, in my apartment, in my city, in the rain just like I left it.

Vows

When it all becomes too much, when the world starts to crumble around me, I know that I'll at least always have you. When it seems I have no footing, when the motion starts to make me sick, when I can't handle it all anymore, all I do at the end of the day, as the sun is setting, is to look over at you and smile, knowing that no matter what we face, we face it together, we face it stronger and we face it in our own way. I don't need this ring, or this date in November to know that you are who I want to be with, and I never did. I don't need this apartment to remind me of the memories we have and the moments we've shared and the smiles we've had or the tears we've cried.

We've been together longer than any of our friends, and we've weathered more storms. We've made a life and we've been close and we've been apart and we've weathered the distance. And on the other side, we are ok. We made it and we are stronger, more connected, wiser. And no one of our friends can come in and tell us they know more than we do about relationships because in the end, it's been 4 and a half years, through very high ups and very low downs, through distance, through broken hearts, through losses and through gains. We've seen more than they might ever see and gone through more than they might ever go through. And we've done it with grace and we've stayed together and we've grown individually and separately. And so here tonight, as I sit on the other side of the wall from you, I wanted to tell you this. These are my vows for you, for our life together, vows that have nothing to do with a ring or a certificate or a legal document. These are my words, and coming from me, you know how important words are to me. Words are the way that I love, the way that I hurt. They are everything to me... and so here... tonight on this beautiful Portland night, I give you these vows, whole heartedly and without hesitation because I've already committed my life to you, I did that 4 1/2 years ago.

I vow:

-to always love you
-to remember where we came from and where we are going
-to hold your hand
-to remember that you are just a boy and I am just a girl that happened to fall in love
-to listen
-to hold you when life is too hard
-to consider your thoughts
-to let you be you
-to think of you every time it rains, no matter where I am
-to hold on to what we are and what we have
-to grow and change on my own and let you grow and change beside me
-to let the changes happen and hold your heart through it all
-to follow our dreams
-to kiss you everyday
-to know that life will only get harder, and the days shorter, but that as long as we're together, we'll be ok
-to think of you everyday before I go to bed and every day when I wake up
-to smile every time something small reminds me of you
-to acknowledge our flaws and work to make them better

and finally, to always cherish what we have, to try and see everything in our eyes together, and to go through life, chasing dreams and following our hearts, with you by my side, always.

Thank you for being an amazing partner for 4 1/2 incredible years... you are the love of my life.

Better

The world flies by faster and faster which each passing day, and I'm feeling the pull of the weight of all that is going on especially more lately. I am feeling myself being pulled in such separate directions, unsure of which way to go, which task to do and I am needing some space and time to just have a break, to just relax and recharge. I think sometimes we just need a moment, to sit still, to think, to start over and energize our lives. We go and go and go and don't even realize it until we hit that wall, like I am now, feeling bruised and tired and overwhelmed.

Our lives are flying by in a few blinks, and here a year later after graduating college I am at this point that I thought would take so long to get to. I want so badly to make my own way, to pave a path, to do something different than my family has done, to be my own person, to do it in the way that makes the most sense for me. And I need to remember along the way that I need to take a few minutes to calm down, to slow down and to breathe, because if I do that, I will be a better friend, a better daughter, a better wife (down the road), a better designer and a better person. So as I sit here, writing because it feels good to my soul, I will breathe and recharge and know that tomorrow I will be better.

Insignificant

The years go by and we progress through the stages of our life. Some of us become women that will change the world, others become mothers, others become women passionate about their dreams, others still become the women all around us, that perhaps don't fall into a certain category, those that are our friends, our mentors, our mothers, grandmothers and sisters. And throughout our lives, we are told to be strong, to love whole heartedly and to dream. We are not told that no one will ever live up to our expectations, or that we will have our hearts broken over and over, or that most of the things we want will never come true. And perhaps we aren't ever told those things because it's the way that we keep going, having to figure that out for ourselves.

Why do we make things so complicated? Why do we grow up believing in all the love stories, but never realizing that what we don't see is the real ending. We always see up to the point where the romance is all you see, and the movie ends. We don't see how hard the next part is, we don't see what it takes to make it continue to work. We don't see all the moments afterwards, all the things that make you want to leave, that make you want to find your own way. And it's that belief in love I think, that makes us keep going, that belief that hopefully somewhere out there, someday things will be different.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I'm not sure I believe in anything. I'm at a point in my life where I am so frustrated. I'm frustrated with who I am, and what I haven't accomplished. I'm frustrated with the purpose of my life, with my city, with the events that have happened. I used to believe in my dreams, in hopes for a fantastic future, for moments that would take my breath away, and all I feel now is that I have worked so hard to get here, and I feel unimportant, un-extraordinary. Insignificant.

Here in this Place

I am back in this newly renovated apartment, eating PF Changs and Outback take out, walking the city streets that feel so good under my feet. I am in the rain daily, and I can see the city lights from my window. I am here in this home that makes me feel whole, and with a new start, I am embarking on a new year, on new challenges and facing new obstacles. I am considering things in the near future that I never thought I would. I am offering up things that I never thought I would, but I feel at peace about it all... I feel like my dreams are within reach and that I can do what I believe so strongly in.

I hope it will all be fine, that the dreams and the prayers will come true... that all that I believe so strongly in will prevail because my heart and soul depend on it... here in this city of my dreams.

Cold

You are the coldest wind I've ever felt,
chilling to the bone, that feeling of ice,
that used to feel warm, but no more.

I used to feel that warmth, that generosity of emotion,
that feeling that I was always warm,
even when the temperature fell.

It's no coincidence that I have been constantly cold
for so long now, no coincidence that my body
is reacting to my soul.

There are moments when I wonder who you are,
and how I can love this person I see.
The irony is I can't find a way to let myself go,
I can't find my way out, or the light at the other end.

You are the cold wind that chills me to the bone,
without any hope of warmth.

You are the moments thinking of nothing but yourself,
and how can you? How can you when I give up all that I am for this?