Alive

A year ago, I never thought I'd be here, back in this beautiful rainy city, back at home, new car, new chapter, and all together, just feeling back to being me. So much has changed in a year, a lot of good and a lot of things that have challenged me. So much has shown me about life, about love, about myself and here I sit, in my home, in my city, looking out at the pouring Portland rain and I can't help but smile because I am myself again, I know who I am here, and I am building a life, a home, and I am becoming more of the person I've always wanted to be. Life is moving forward and I am finally moving with it again and I can't wait for these next few months to settle and for life to just slow down again, for the fall to begin, for the leaves to change, and for the rain to fall.

I feel most like myself when the weather starts to change, when the leaves start to change, when the rain starts to flood the beautiful cobblestone streets... this time of year is when my life comes full circle, when I feel the most alive, and when everything looks the most beautiful. Here's the start of fall, to these next few life changing months... when my heart is truly alive.

Moments to Remember

Maybe there are some things that we need to just let go of, give up all the thoughts, the moments spent analyzing and just feel, just believe, just have faith. There are moments in life that just make sense, that fall into place, that seem so meant to be, like we were meant to be there, at that exact second, for that exact memory. We go through life holding on to so many many memories, some we forget, and some we hold on to forever, grasping them so tight to never forget. And it's interesting how such memories touch us, how places touch us, how moments live on forever in our hearts. So many of my memories will always touch me, and make me remember... from that last goodbye in the desert so many years ago, to the moments that I fell in love, buying my first car, and all my first apartment and all the memories in between.

We move forward through life and often we forget about all those moments that made us, moments that shaded us and everyone around us. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed by the chaos, by the world, by life, that we forget why we are even here in the first place, and we forget to love and live and remember like we should and it's a shame, because we have so much to offer and so little time to do it.

Hope

I think there are some things that just have to happen in order for you to open your eyes, in order for you to realize that it's time to change, time to make things better, time to move forward. The last few weeks haven't been easy, or soothing or peaceful, but they have been eye-opening, and they have shown me that people can change, that relationships can grow, and that love really does come through for you when you need it. Somehow we are getting back to where we used to be, and somehow I feel a little bit like that college girl back then, a little bit like the girl that was savoring all those firsts, all those amazing moments that love showed me a new life.

I have fought a lot within myself about this next chapter in my life, and there have been tears and thoughts and journals and moments alone just wondering if marriage is really meant for me, wondering if I'm cut out to be a wife, wondering if I wanted it. And if I've learned anything these past few days, it's that it is something that I want, something that I believe in and something that I want with you, just you.

There are always going to be moments in life that get to be too much, moments where we think we can't make it anymore, but I have seen a new part of you this week, and I have seen us try to get back to where we used to be and just knowing that it's possible, that people can change if they want to, that relationships can move forward, that gives me the hope I need for this next part of our lives.