For a Reason

I've been thinking a lot about life lately, and it seems like the older I get, life gets even more real and the definity of life is becoming more of constant in my mind. Growing up we feel invincible, we never think about losing those that we love and those are a part of our lives, we're just so used to it, we're just so used to taking them for granted. And I've found myself gradually thinking more and more about the next chapter in my life, I turn 24 in a couple weeks and I have to realistically see that in the next decade I could lose people that are very close to me, grandparents, family members and I really don't know how I'll do it or how I'll pull through when those days come.

I'm in a different now now than I was in college, than I was as a kid. And while I'm glad for it, I also know that I grew up very naive and I think that's a reason why I feel so much like this now. I've never had to deal with a loss very close to me and I don't know if I'll ever have the strength for that. All I can do for now I guess is to appreciate the time I have, the time with those closest to me and the love that I have in my life. All I can do is to breath, pray and have faith, all I can do is dream.

While the real world may be getting more and more real as this next chapter of my life begins, I can smile knowing that I am so blessed and I will live each day knowing that and believing that we are all meant for a purpose, and every single thing, no matter how insignificant happens for a reason.

Believe in the Rain

I believe in the unexpected and in dreams coming true. I know that life is about more than just the things we do everyday, it's about chasing love and dreams and it's about making ourselves go after what we believe in, to go after who we want to be and love as deeply as we can. Life is never easy, it's never going to give us exactly what we want, unless we fight for it and believe that it can be true.

I've been a little lost lately, not truly believing in those dreams like I used to. But I think that we have to realize that those dreams aren't going to chase us, it has to be the other way around. Those dreams have to be something that we can still believe in years later, that we would go to any length to follow and to find that part of ourselves that we've been searching for for so long.

I believe in love and the unexpected. I believe that life presents things to us and I believe that we must have faith and we must have dreams. I believe in finding the magic in the moments and in following your heart. I believe in blankets and tea and cupcakes and ice cream. And that sometimes those are the only things that make me feel less lost and I believe that I might always have a little bit in me that's a little lost, searching for that little piece of myself that I feel like has always been missing. I believe in moments that change you and I believe that sometimes we can find more peace in the rain falling outside than anything else in the world.

So tonight as the rain falls down outside, I believe that I am at peace tonight, I believe that love is real and I believe that all my dreams will come true.

Pain

Here I sit, in my favorite place in the world, with the early fall air breathing in the window next to me, leaves changing outside, and yet I feel broken... not fully whole this morning, or really lately at all. Everything stings us in their own way, people disappoint, life changes, journeys end, hearts break. And here I am, left wondering why it's all worth it. There are some things that hurt us more than others, words hurt, but actions sting even more and the reasons behind those actions hurt the worst. And why is it that when we're giving someone everything, that can't give us anything in return? Not even one day, not even one night?

All those words said over the past month, just have faded away like they never happened, like nothing even transpired, like it doesn't matter, and I don't think it does to you, I really don't think it does.

I'm here so often these days, left alone and disappointed, hurt and battered by the emotions I feel. And I am being broken into little tiny pieces day after day, feeling like you have no regret at all. All those things we had are coming undone, they are unraveling so quickly and everything that always made us so happy, no longer exists. We no longer exist as the people that we thought we were, no longer the people that everyone else thinks we are. And that scares me, and it hurts me all over again because how can we sustain anything when we're trying to be something we're not?

And even now, sitting here watching the words type across the screen, I can't believe that I'm here again, in this place I swore I wouldn't do again, that I didn't ever want to go through again, so what do I do this time? Where do I go this time, because I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be and it seems that I'm the only one getting hurt.

Here comes the rain....

It's days like this when you can just feel the fall starting, there are intermittent leaves changing colors all on their own, waiting for the rest to catch up with it. The rain starts to fall and the city becomes like the clouds so close above it, weightless, clean and fresh... surrounding. This city is so beautiful in the rain and nowhere else have I ever seen that the rain just calms thousands of people, and soothes them in the most extraordinary way. This is when I feel like I'm really home, on days like this that the rain washes everything away, when I feel like I'm meant to be here, that I'm in the Northwest, that it all starts to make sense again.

This is my favorite time of year for so many reasons, the leaves changing, the rain, I can start to wear my boots again, and my scarves and my jackets. I can be cold and actually have a reason to be cold, I love the way the city feels in the fall, and the looking forward to the holidays, my birthday and the fresh start when everything feels like it's about to change... and this year it really is. The fall has always been my saving grace and perhaps why I had such a hard time without it last year. This year it will mean even more to me, being home, being back, back living and breathing in the rain, in the city.