Pain

Here I sit, in my favorite place in the world, with the early fall air breathing in the window next to me, leaves changing outside, and yet I feel broken... not fully whole this morning, or really lately at all. Everything stings us in their own way, people disappoint, life changes, journeys end, hearts break. And here I am, left wondering why it's all worth it. There are some things that hurt us more than others, words hurt, but actions sting even more and the reasons behind those actions hurt the worst. And why is it that when we're giving someone everything, that can't give us anything in return? Not even one day, not even one night?

All those words said over the past month, just have faded away like they never happened, like nothing even transpired, like it doesn't matter, and I don't think it does to you, I really don't think it does.

I'm here so often these days, left alone and disappointed, hurt and battered by the emotions I feel. And I am being broken into little tiny pieces day after day, feeling like you have no regret at all. All those things we had are coming undone, they are unraveling so quickly and everything that always made us so happy, no longer exists. We no longer exist as the people that we thought we were, no longer the people that everyone else thinks we are. And that scares me, and it hurts me all over again because how can we sustain anything when we're trying to be something we're not?

And even now, sitting here watching the words type across the screen, I can't believe that I'm here again, in this place I swore I wouldn't do again, that I didn't ever want to go through again, so what do I do this time? Where do I go this time, because I'm becoming the person I never wanted to be and it seems that I'm the only one getting hurt.