Remember me? I'm the one you love, the one that loves pink and dark chocolate m and m's. I'm the one that has your heart, the one that loves Paris in the fall and the one that dreams of living abroad. I'm the one that hears your tears, the one that lives here instead of where I used to, the one that giggles while talking to Abby online and the one that every once in a while, makes you smile. I'm the one that would listen to your story for hours, the one that listens to Christmas music in September, and the one that painted your bathroom green.
Remember me? I'm back and here to stay, I love you and no one else, more than words will ever begin to be able to say. I'm here, and always will be. Always remember that.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
* a poem *
Cycle the Seasons
Some leaves may fall as we walk,
Limbs and branches in the golden sky above,
But that is just what the earth has to do,
What the Heavens command each time this year,
Each time before the winter hits.
The leaves cleanse themselves and fall,
Just as we must go through a period of falling
In order to regain the strength to grow again.
I have been falling lately, just like the leaves,
Lost, confused, and estranged,
Just like the golden leaves hanging out the window.
Yet in the end, we all must fall in order to grow again,
So we are leaves,
Falling and growing as the Heavens cycle the seasons
Around us.
Some leaves may fall as we walk,
Limbs and branches in the golden sky above,
But that is just what the earth has to do,
What the Heavens command each time this year,
Each time before the winter hits.
The leaves cleanse themselves and fall,
Just as we must go through a period of falling
In order to regain the strength to grow again.
I have been falling lately, just like the leaves,
Lost, confused, and estranged,
Just like the golden leaves hanging out the window.
Yet in the end, we all must fall in order to grow again,
So we are leaves,
Falling and growing as the Heavens cycle the seasons
Around us.
Friday, October 12, 2007
woman
Trapped in a faith that no one else believes in. Wrapped in a wrath no one sees coming, underneath water five fathoms deep. Drowning in a love she cannot have, lost in a lust that rules her. Watching over everyone else at the expense of herself, she cannot have the desire that once was hers. Cured in the waters of Hell and locked in prayer that the world condemns. Alone in the dark with only a darker light to guide the way, in rain that never seems to stop, in life that never ceases to drain her. She is more than I, more than you, she is a living breath and a woman. She is that woman that we all are, that faith we all believe in yet few seem to grasp. She is the love we will never have, the lust that rules us all for something better. She is the darkest of the darkness and the brightest of the light. She is Heaven and Hell, she is each and every one of us women out there, wrestling with the good and the bad, with the lust and the love, with what's right and what's wrong. And in the end, she is deeper than oceans five fathoms deep and making choices we all must make. So may God guide us in this darkest of quest.
Stormy Weather
Do you really know my name anymore or is it just a moment on the tip of your tongue that slips away? You do not love me like you used to, you do not know the way I live or who I am or how I am so lost. You don't even whisper to me when I am in trouble, nor to you turn aside from him to see me. You do not measure up to the woman you used to be or come close to being the mother I once knew and loved. I feel like nothing in your presence and I feel like sand that you pick up and toss around just to humor yourself. No more am I your daughter, no more do I lend you this respect. I am lost, I am questioning, I am finding who I can trust and who I cannot. I am no longer who you thought I was, that much is clear. So wrapped in guilt, so hidden by fear, you stay there in your little shell you've created, rather he's created, and you say nothing, do nothing. But here I am, your only and eldest daughter, your friend, your beloved first child, your blood and I am here, holding on to nothing but myself on this cold autumn night. I am here, lost, lonely and afraid and when a child needs her mother most, you are not here. But in reality, you haven't been here for a long while, you have abandoned your child when she needs you the most. I am lost, misplaced and an orphan against the sea of storms heading my way. Do you dare turn away from me again, dear mother have I not been through enough of these storms? Must I bear ahead once more, all alone? I cannot take the rain anymore.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
sometimes
Sometimes we have moments that we finally see ourselves for who we are and acknowledge it. Tonight I am realizing that I have a brand new start to make in the next week, and my life is only getting better and better as it continues. I am totally at peace with myself, something that's taken me a long time to get to this point. And in that peace, I am finding my love for the only boy that's ever had my heart deepen each and every day. It's in that peace that I am a stronger girl, woman, whatever I may be. I can look out the dark window here tonight and see flashes of light, because I know that in the end, I am becoming just who I want to be. Sometimes it takes something like a break down, sometimes it takes love, light and happiness to bring you to peace.
Sometimes we only need a moment to dispel all the wrong things in our lives. Sometimes sitting in the dark looking at a loved one is all we need to realize that life is too short not to love. For me, that love came in stages. I had never felt anything like it and as everyone around me noticed at the beginning, I was truly changed. He took my heart and kept it, and still keeps it. It was amazing how soon I felt it, how soon I knew he was the one, amazing how he took my breath away and still does after two long years. Then it changed to a deepening friendship and I loved being with him. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried and we got to know each other in a deeper and more intimate way. Our love grew, deepened, changed and evolved. Though I suppose that's what it's supposed to do. And so it grew, and so did we. We changed from two college students in a time of change and evolution into something different, into two adults beginning a life long relationship. Our responsibilities became greater, and with that so did the decisions we had to make. BUt along with that, our love only grew deeper and changed into a more grown up kind of love, an older kind of relationship. You know, my aunt said to the me the other day, "I think that to stay in a relationship with someone for a long time, the love has to grow and change along with the both people in it." And so it has for me and my love. As we have grown up, so has the love we hold. And here two years later, I have no doubts about where my life is headed with him. I have no apprehensions, (though I might get restless from time to time that's just me). I am just as head over heals in love with him today as I was two years ago. And as I look over at him sleeping right now, my heart skips a beat, my breath lingers on my tongue, and each time I see him, I fall in love again, each time he leaves, I count the footsteps as he goes and each moment away seems longer than it should.
And sometimes, I think that we just need to love in order to find ourselves. Sometimes we need to find that first passionate first love to find our exactly who we are and what we are capable of. And I pray everyday that I can forever hold onto my love that I have until the day I die, but if something ever happens to what we have, at least I know that I fell in love with someone that I deeply care for, someone that means everything in the world to me, and that what we had, was better than I ever thought love could be.
Sometimes we only need a moment to dispel all the wrong things in our lives. Sometimes sitting in the dark looking at a loved one is all we need to realize that life is too short not to love. For me, that love came in stages. I had never felt anything like it and as everyone around me noticed at the beginning, I was truly changed. He took my heart and kept it, and still keeps it. It was amazing how soon I felt it, how soon I knew he was the one, amazing how he took my breath away and still does after two long years. Then it changed to a deepening friendship and I loved being with him. He made me laugh, he held me when I cried and we got to know each other in a deeper and more intimate way. Our love grew, deepened, changed and evolved. Though I suppose that's what it's supposed to do. And so it grew, and so did we. We changed from two college students in a time of change and evolution into something different, into two adults beginning a life long relationship. Our responsibilities became greater, and with that so did the decisions we had to make. BUt along with that, our love only grew deeper and changed into a more grown up kind of love, an older kind of relationship. You know, my aunt said to the me the other day, "I think that to stay in a relationship with someone for a long time, the love has to grow and change along with the both people in it." And so it has for me and my love. As we have grown up, so has the love we hold. And here two years later, I have no doubts about where my life is headed with him. I have no apprehensions, (though I might get restless from time to time that's just me). I am just as head over heals in love with him today as I was two years ago. And as I look over at him sleeping right now, my heart skips a beat, my breath lingers on my tongue, and each time I see him, I fall in love again, each time he leaves, I count the footsteps as he goes and each moment away seems longer than it should.
And sometimes, I think that we just need to love in order to find ourselves. Sometimes we need to find that first passionate first love to find our exactly who we are and what we are capable of. And I pray everyday that I can forever hold onto my love that I have until the day I die, but if something ever happens to what we have, at least I know that I fell in love with someone that I deeply care for, someone that means everything in the world to me, and that what we had, was better than I ever thought love could be.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
roots.
Speaking yesterday to a girl at work that grew up in the middle east, I realized just how much I miss it. How much I miss being the only pale skinned girl in the crowd, how I missed the uniqueness of the culture, how the sand felt when it blew against my skin, how endless the ocean seemed at my feet, how real it all felt, how it felt like home. I miss the sensation of religion calling to the masses, the way the sweet bread would melt on your tongue and the way, the sun felt in those early morning hours rising over the gulf. I miss the travel, the palm trees lining every road, the endless expanse of sand, the way the falcon soared over the earth and the way religion conquered all. I miss the traditions, the culture, the unique ways of the Arab world. I miss Saudi and I will never think of myself as a normal American girl, I never have been, I never grew up the way the rest of you grew up. I was imprinted with the print of the arab world more than I was of an American childhood. And even though I left at an impressionable age, I still wonder what it would be like to go back. I had forgotten a lot of the things I remember because no one that I know can relate to what I lived, how I grew up, until I met this girl at work the other day from Somalia, an arab country in Africa.
It dawned on me then, speaking to her of all the places I used to know so well. And I suddenly was drawn back to all the places, the memories, the culture, the traditions, the smells, the food, the way the sun would set over the desert in the late evening. I suddenly remembered the way the streets smelled, the way the desert looked at first light, the way the ocean felt so warm on your bare feet, the way the world seemed to stop turning when you looked out over the ocean that in just a short distance took you to the sands of Kuwait.
It's a beautiful world there, one that is often misunderstood, one that many seem ignorant about, one that people make judgement too quickly without understanding. It's a world of tradition, a place where life is lived the same it's been lived for thousands of years and in a world that is so rapidly changing, maybe we need more of that, maybe we need more of a world in which traditions forms a basis. It's sad how westernized the world has become, it's sad how tradition is being swept aside to become like us americans. In the end, I guess I realized that I had been pushing this huge part of myself aside, when I needed to embrace it and realize how much a part of me it truly is. I feel in my heart as I am part Arab, less American than Arab. For half my life I was Arab, then suddenly forced into America as a teenager, and now finally I am figuring out that I don't have to be either or, I can be both. I can be the American girl that grew up in Saudi Arabia and the Arab girl that moved to America. I can be both, because both are who I am, I am neither one without the other, both make up my soul, both make me who I am. And so until I can see the sands beneath the setting sun, and taste that sweet bread melting my mouth on the Saudi streets in the early evening when the sun is setting and suddenly there is relief from the heat, I will continue to go back to my Arab roots, regardless of what those around me think I am.
It dawned on me then, speaking to her of all the places I used to know so well. And I suddenly was drawn back to all the places, the memories, the culture, the traditions, the smells, the food, the way the sun would set over the desert in the late evening. I suddenly remembered the way the streets smelled, the way the desert looked at first light, the way the ocean felt so warm on your bare feet, the way the world seemed to stop turning when you looked out over the ocean that in just a short distance took you to the sands of Kuwait.
It's a beautiful world there, one that is often misunderstood, one that many seem ignorant about, one that people make judgement too quickly without understanding. It's a world of tradition, a place where life is lived the same it's been lived for thousands of years and in a world that is so rapidly changing, maybe we need more of that, maybe we need more of a world in which traditions forms a basis. It's sad how westernized the world has become, it's sad how tradition is being swept aside to become like us americans. In the end, I guess I realized that I had been pushing this huge part of myself aside, when I needed to embrace it and realize how much a part of me it truly is. I feel in my heart as I am part Arab, less American than Arab. For half my life I was Arab, then suddenly forced into America as a teenager, and now finally I am figuring out that I don't have to be either or, I can be both. I can be the American girl that grew up in Saudi Arabia and the Arab girl that moved to America. I can be both, because both are who I am, I am neither one without the other, both make up my soul, both make me who I am. And so until I can see the sands beneath the setting sun, and taste that sweet bread melting my mouth on the Saudi streets in the early evening when the sun is setting and suddenly there is relief from the heat, I will continue to go back to my Arab roots, regardless of what those around me think I am.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
here's to hoping
Our days here are numbered and in each of those numeric weeks that flies by us with the setting sun, more and more of the things that are in our future get closer and closer. In just a few short years, I will be done with school, working, completely on my own, married, and beginning all that I choose to do. And as I sit here thinking, as I finally have time to actually just sit and think, I can't wait for all that is ahead of me, I can't wait to marry my love, to walk down that aisle and look up at him, and smile because he truly is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he came along at the perfect time in my life. And while sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on certain things, I always come back to the conclusion that he is the one I want to be with, he is the one that makes me feel loved and he is the one that I want to be with regardless of what night of the week it is or who might be going out.
I am turning 21 in a few weeks and I can't help but wonder, how did life come to this point so quickly? It seems yesterday we were just graduating from high school, barely knew who we were and worrying about prom dates, not bills and rent. It seems that as life goes, so does more responsibility. And in that, that only makes us stronger. I can't believe it sometimes when I look down and see that I am supporting myself, taking responsibility and making my own decisions. I am at a point where I feel like I can go to my parents as an adult and tell them what I've decided, and regardless of how they feel, I can do what I think is right.
And so as we grow up, ever so quickly, it's amazing how much is thrown at us. Here's to only hoping we have the strength, courage and ability to hold on to it and do all we can with it.
I am turning 21 in a few weeks and I can't help but wonder, how did life come to this point so quickly? It seems yesterday we were just graduating from high school, barely knew who we were and worrying about prom dates, not bills and rent. It seems that as life goes, so does more responsibility. And in that, that only makes us stronger. I can't believe it sometimes when I look down and see that I am supporting myself, taking responsibility and making my own decisions. I am at a point where I feel like I can go to my parents as an adult and tell them what I've decided, and regardless of how they feel, I can do what I think is right.
And so as we grow up, ever so quickly, it's amazing how much is thrown at us. Here's to only hoping we have the strength, courage and ability to hold on to it and do all we can with it.
not only a dream
As I sit here and the sun is setting behind the trees and behind the clouds that soothed me today, I can see the leaves slowly changing colors outside. It's this time of year that truly makes feel myself, it's the way the leaves fall, the rain falling and the memories of love that get me right now. And in all honesty, as I take a moment to rest right now, after finishing up another quarter at school, it seems only natural to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I can actually breathe and rest now, for a little while at least.
And as I look back, this has been one of the most trying quarters for me at school and at life. I went through a lot in my personal life in the last ten weeks and in school it was especially difficult getting everything done. I'm at a point right now where I just want to learn, and that in itself, I think tells me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. You know, I said to Nick the other day, "I love my school and I love what I'm doing," and he remarked back, "You're really lucky that you can say that because not that many people can say that." And that makes me smile, even here and now because he's right, I've found so much in the past couple of years that many people search for for a lifetime. In the past two years, I have found the love of my life, a boy who I've watched become a young man, a man that takes care of me, that loves me unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could be loved and a man that I know will never let me down. My love for him today is the strongest its ever been and it only continues to grow each and every day we are together. I have found a school and passion in my life that I can continue doing that I love. I found something that I want to do for the rest of my life and I love doing it. I have met people that have changed me, friends that I will keep for the rest of my life, friends that know me and respect me for who I am. I've lost a lot of people that were important in my life, and I've lost family to death and to distance in the past few months.
But through it all, I've learned the most about myself and looking back to this time two years ago, I've changed almost every part of myself and my life and it's all for the better. I am a different person than I was back then, I am a more mature, sophisticated, confident and well rounded person than I was, and in the past two years, not only have i found a dream for my future, but I've found a reality that can make that future come true.
And as I look back, this has been one of the most trying quarters for me at school and at life. I went through a lot in my personal life in the last ten weeks and in school it was especially difficult getting everything done. I'm at a point right now where I just want to learn, and that in itself, I think tells me that this is exactly what I want to do with my life. You know, I said to Nick the other day, "I love my school and I love what I'm doing," and he remarked back, "You're really lucky that you can say that because not that many people can say that." And that makes me smile, even here and now because he's right, I've found so much in the past couple of years that many people search for for a lifetime. In the past two years, I have found the love of my life, a boy who I've watched become a young man, a man that takes care of me, that loves me unconditionally and more than I ever thought I could be loved and a man that I know will never let me down. My love for him today is the strongest its ever been and it only continues to grow each and every day we are together. I have found a school and passion in my life that I can continue doing that I love. I found something that I want to do for the rest of my life and I love doing it. I have met people that have changed me, friends that I will keep for the rest of my life, friends that know me and respect me for who I am. I've lost a lot of people that were important in my life, and I've lost family to death and to distance in the past few months.
But through it all, I've learned the most about myself and looking back to this time two years ago, I've changed almost every part of myself and my life and it's all for the better. I am a different person than I was back then, I am a more mature, sophisticated, confident and well rounded person than I was, and in the past two years, not only have i found a dream for my future, but I've found a reality that can make that future come true.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
... for us all....
*Remember*
Always remember your father’s smile,
And your childhood home.
Remember the way a child laughs,
And the way it smells after it rains.
Remember the moment when you found yourself,
The touch of every hand you shake,
And the feel every hug you give.
Always remember the first time
And the last time,
Remember the love you’ve had for others,
Regardless if that love still exists of not.
Remember what hurt you the most,
And the best moment of your life.
Always remember what means the most,
Remember to say the three little words
That begin with “I” and end in “u.”
Remember your first love,
And the face of every loved one gone.
Always remember the way the sun sets,
And how the leaves drop in the fall.
Remember the moments with family,
And the long talks with those you love.
Remember the connections, and strive
To keep them.
Remember you are loved,
And no matter where life takes us,
We always come back to a spot that keeps
Us whole.
Remember the strength it took to grieve,
And the courage it takes to move on.
Always remember his smile,
After all, it was the best smile in the world.
Always remember your father’s smile,
And your childhood home.
Remember the way a child laughs,
And the way it smells after it rains.
Remember the moment when you found yourself,
The touch of every hand you shake,
And the feel every hug you give.
Always remember the first time
And the last time,
Remember the love you’ve had for others,
Regardless if that love still exists of not.
Remember what hurt you the most,
And the best moment of your life.
Always remember what means the most,
Remember to say the three little words
That begin with “I” and end in “u.”
Remember your first love,
And the face of every loved one gone.
Always remember the way the sun sets,
And how the leaves drop in the fall.
Remember the moments with family,
And the long talks with those you love.
Remember the connections, and strive
To keep them.
Remember you are loved,
And no matter where life takes us,
We always come back to a spot that keeps
Us whole.
Remember the strength it took to grieve,
And the courage it takes to move on.
Always remember his smile,
After all, it was the best smile in the world.
*Blessed*
It's interesting how things all come to play in our minds. I honestly have never been close to anyone that's died, never had a close relative die unexpectedly, never had a friend gone in an instant. THat is, until now. And as of a few weeks ago, my family was extremely complete, and though we definitely have things that create issues, we were all alive and well, happy and alive. That is until my grandma's brother died on August 19th, a day I'll always remember, because it was the morning after a whirlwind weekend for Alyssa's wedding. I'll never forget that phone call because it marked a huge transition in my life. It marked a day when forever I'll remember what it felt like to have something like that hit you, something like realizing you'll never see someone again. I remember not knowing how to feel, because although I didn't spend every day with my beloved Uncle Jerry, I definitely had a connection with him, a relationship, a bond. I was confused, unsure and lost for a while.
The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.
It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.
But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.
The reason I am writing this now and not a few weeks ago when he passed, was that on Thursday, I attended his funeral, his memorial, his remembrance. And once again it hit me so hard, harder than I expected because first off, all the memories came flooding back. And secondly, it was very hard for me to see my Grandma, to see how close she was to her big brother and how important of a person he was in her life, and to see her hurting because he would never be that big brother ever again in this life. And lastly, it truly hit me especially hard because for the first time, I realized that I may not have many years left with my grandparents, who I am extremely close with. It will be extremely hard for me losing them, harder than this of course, because it will be such a stronger bond I am leaving behind, such a stronger connection gone.
It's ironic, because my whole life I have lived with huge goodbyes. And I say this knowing that a "huge goodbye" is much larger than moving to a different house in the same city, more than saying goodbye when you leave for college. At 10 years old, I said goodbye forever to a country I loved as my own, to the only world I knew, to friends that were family that I will never see again, to a family life that I would never have again in the states. I said goodbye again at 18, again, to a family that would never be the same again, to friends, to a home, to a place. So in a way, goodbyes are not foreign to me at all, they are not unique. Goodbyes, in some respects, I have known more than lasting stability.
But saying goodbye this time, saying it so finally, so dramatically came at a high price. Death is never an easy thing for us to see in our generation, in fact, we don't know how to quite embrace it. It was very hard for me, very weird to see someone I loved gone and remembered in such a way. And at the same time, I keep thinking how much everyone in my life means to me and what death really means, something that I didn't know much of before. And it occurred to me as my grandma and I spent some time together this weekend, that we must find our strength and sometimes, to find it, we have to lose something that means the world to us. For her to find she could be this strong, for family to come together for a moment to grieve, and for family to reconnect, death was the biggest blessing we could have seen. And though we are all hurting, though we are all struggling with this, how blessed am I to have known my dear, beloved uncle Jerry? How blessed were we all.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I was reading my myspace profile tonight and for the first time in a long time I realized that I have forgotten about so many of the things that I love and that are so dear to my heart. And I've been so busy that I've let go of some of the things that make me who I am so I decided to write this list, to help me remember those things that sometimes get overlooked but that are some of those important little things that make me smile and keep me going and that make me who I am. So here it is: I am who I am and have come to believe that the smallest things in life often make us better people and create a more whole person.
1. sunsets
2. the Riverfront on a chilly day with clouds covering the city
3. rain
4. long walks
5. night minds by missy higgins
6. looking into his eyes and seeing who i am
7. a really great glass of savignon blanc
8. sweet cream with rasberries
9. pink
10. V.S.
11. getting dressed up
12. golfing at sunset
13. seeing my future with someone
14. tulips, roses, and dark chocolate
16. the number 8
17. the beach
18. SEx and the City
19. scarves
20. cupcakes
21. getting magazines in the mail
22. letting everything else go so that i can read them
23. pink burberry
24. pulling my hair back at the end of the day and taking off all my make up
25. staying in on a rainy day and watching movies
26. fitting into the city and feeling at home here
27. Paris
28. sleeping sound
29. sleeping in
30. pf changs
31. dreaming
1. sunsets
2. the Riverfront on a chilly day with clouds covering the city
3. rain
4. long walks
5. night minds by missy higgins
6. looking into his eyes and seeing who i am
7. a really great glass of savignon blanc
8. sweet cream with rasberries
9. pink
10. V.S.
11. getting dressed up
12. golfing at sunset
13. seeing my future with someone
14. tulips, roses, and dark chocolate
16. the number 8
17. the beach
18. SEx and the City
19. scarves
20. cupcakes
21. getting magazines in the mail
22. letting everything else go so that i can read them
23. pink burberry
24. pulling my hair back at the end of the day and taking off all my make up
25. staying in on a rainy day and watching movies
26. fitting into the city and feeling at home here
27. Paris
28. sleeping sound
29. sleeping in
30. pf changs
31. dreaming
Sunday, August 19, 2007
*beloved*
Finally breathing once again, I can feel my heart flutter at the loss of a loved one, yet at the same time feel some peace as to where he is now. I can see clearly the night sky out the window of this apartment that has become my home, with the one person that has been there for me unconditionally through the trials and obstacles, through the tears and times of need. After a weekend of anxiety, tears, frustration and fatigue and the loss of a few of the friends I used to know, I came to find myself in the hour of need.
As I kept thinking in my mind, my life has changed into that of a child with all decisions made for, to the life of an adult on my own, living and breathing on my own, making the choices for myself and no one else. And in the same span of a few days I went from a wedding that has a small chance of making it, to finding out that friends aren't always the people you think they are, to the death of a family member and the reconciliation between mother and child. And through all the journies, through all the events, the losses, the gains, I am here at home finally breathing once again. I sit here, sipping my wine, looking at the boy that proves himself and his love to me over and over and the boy that I know that I could not live with out. I am looking back on what has happened and what has changed, and I can only walk away from it changed and more adult, better.
So may God watch above the man that lost his life, but gained a soul in the clouds of HEaven. May God create happiness for as long as possible for two people not ready for the sacrament of marriage and may he watch over all the people on this earth mourning my uncles death for he was a beloved and cherished man, loved and needed.
As I kept thinking in my mind, my life has changed into that of a child with all decisions made for, to the life of an adult on my own, living and breathing on my own, making the choices for myself and no one else. And in the same span of a few days I went from a wedding that has a small chance of making it, to finding out that friends aren't always the people you think they are, to the death of a family member and the reconciliation between mother and child. And through all the journies, through all the events, the losses, the gains, I am here at home finally breathing once again. I sit here, sipping my wine, looking at the boy that proves himself and his love to me over and over and the boy that I know that I could not live with out. I am looking back on what has happened and what has changed, and I can only walk away from it changed and more adult, better.
So may God watch above the man that lost his life, but gained a soul in the clouds of HEaven. May God create happiness for as long as possible for two people not ready for the sacrament of marriage and may he watch over all the people on this earth mourning my uncles death for he was a beloved and cherished man, loved and needed.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
every second
This last week has been one of many revelations. It has shown me a number of things that have only made me believe deeper in all that I have going on in my life. In the past few days, I realized that I have truly found the love of my life, and he is everything that I see in my future and everything that I find myself loving. He is the other half of every piece of me and through him, everything makes sense. I've realized that while I love this town I used to call home, while the place I grew up in will always be a huge part of my life, it is not my calling for the years to come. It is a place that will always hold my heart, but a place that I will not call my own again in my life. THere is nothing wrong with other people wanting this as their home, it's just simply not for me, simply not what I want for my own life.
And I watched as people my age and older have acted like we were back in high school, creating drama, breaking up with boyfriends over stupid little dramatic things just to get attention, creating identities that are not who they are, just to fit in with the crowd. And they are living the life that I have found is not for me, living a life that I have never wanted for myself, nor will I want it, nor does it appeal to me.
This weekend has affirmed my beliefs, showed me that my instincts are right, and that all that I am, all that I stand for is truly who I am, I am not putting on a show for anyone or trying to fit in, I have found myself and I have found that when you truly become comfortable with who you are and what you believe in, that the world is at your fingertips.
I am so blessed for what I have in my life and for the people that I love so dearly. I have such big plans for my life, and lately I have realized that even though I have all these plans, the only thing that truly matters is the one boy that will always have my heart and my relationship with him. Because in the end, he is my other half and he is the reason that I wake up each morning, and breathe every breath before I sleep. He is the reason life is worth every second that it is.
And I watched as people my age and older have acted like we were back in high school, creating drama, breaking up with boyfriends over stupid little dramatic things just to get attention, creating identities that are not who they are, just to fit in with the crowd. And they are living the life that I have found is not for me, living a life that I have never wanted for myself, nor will I want it, nor does it appeal to me.
This weekend has affirmed my beliefs, showed me that my instincts are right, and that all that I am, all that I stand for is truly who I am, I am not putting on a show for anyone or trying to fit in, I have found myself and I have found that when you truly become comfortable with who you are and what you believe in, that the world is at your fingertips.
I am so blessed for what I have in my life and for the people that I love so dearly. I have such big plans for my life, and lately I have realized that even though I have all these plans, the only thing that truly matters is the one boy that will always have my heart and my relationship with him. Because in the end, he is my other half and he is the reason that I wake up each morning, and breathe every breath before I sleep. He is the reason life is worth every second that it is.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
In my Heart
Alone again and suddenly I realize how much I miss you. Suddenly, knowing tonight will be longer than usual, knowing that life is different somehow, makes me realize what we have. I know we are not apart in hearts, but in space, we are very far apart for a while. We are torn by commitments, keeping those regardless of how we feel. But that's the kind of people we are, and that's precisely why I love you like I do.
Tonight would be the perfect night at the river front, the perfect night for "I love you," the perfect night to fall asleep in your arms, tonight though, we are apart. So for tonight my love, keep me in your heart, as you are in mine, and once again, we will be alright.
Tonight would be the perfect night at the river front, the perfect night for "I love you," the perfect night to fall asleep in your arms, tonight though, we are apart. So for tonight my love, keep me in your heart, as you are in mine, and once again, we will be alright.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
standing up
I've been thinking a lot lately, reflecting on the past couple of months. It seems like all of a sudden I'm in a different place than a lot of my friends are, not that that's bad, but suddenly it's hitting me. I am right where I want to be, I am not really that dependent on my parents other than my rent, which any more is just a technicality and not really what I want anyways. I have found out lately, I can take care of myself, I can handle things, I can financially handle things without asking them for money, without them giving me any.
I am on my own, making my own decisions without family influence for the most part. I am living my own life, doing my own thing and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done or do every day. I am living my life how I want to, doing it on my own, growing up and I'm better off for it. So many times we rely so much on the people that we grew up with and we rely on their decisions more than we rely on ours that our minds stay closed off to that little world, that little bubble we grew up in.
Personally, getting out of my parents house was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting out there on my own was what I needed most, what I know now I was supposed to do and life right now couldn't be better. While I want so badly to move in here with Nick, I know that it will happen, that it will come in a few months and all will fall into place.
All I know is that so much of the time we think we are making decisions and choices on our own but in reality, all we are doing is relying on our parents more to make them for us. When we stand up to family and portray truly what we want, it gives you more character than anything else in the world. It's then that you are truly an adult.
I am on my own, making my own decisions without family influence for the most part. I am living my own life, doing my own thing and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done or do every day. I am living my life how I want to, doing it on my own, growing up and I'm better off for it. So many times we rely so much on the people that we grew up with and we rely on their decisions more than we rely on ours that our minds stay closed off to that little world, that little bubble we grew up in.
Personally, getting out of my parents house was the best thing that ever happened to me. Getting out there on my own was what I needed most, what I know now I was supposed to do and life right now couldn't be better. While I want so badly to move in here with Nick, I know that it will happen, that it will come in a few months and all will fall into place.
All I know is that so much of the time we think we are making decisions and choices on our own but in reality, all we are doing is relying on our parents more to make them for us. When we stand up to family and portray truly what we want, it gives you more character than anything else in the world. It's then that you are truly an adult.
Monday, July 23, 2007
me
I feel so much like a flower with almost all petals gone, worn down to the last layer of skin, the last piece of petal that exists on this stem of a life that I live. I feel as if, anymore, I have nothing to hold on to, as if I have nothing to guard me from what comes next. And as much I as seem to put on a brave face and go on living as I am, inside I feel so broken, so alone. It feels like I literally have a million things going on right now and every time I turn around, another person leaves me behind or hurts me, whether knowingly or not. And I can't take anymore hurt, I can't take anymore tears, I can't take anymore of this treatment, because I deserve more, I am more.
I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.
I am broken, falling, missing the petals that make me who I am. I am lost, alone and scattered. And for the first time in a long while, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't have the energy to go on like this, so I will sit idly by and hope for the storm to pass. I don't have the time or the patience to do this anymore so I'm going to figure it out on my own. Because in the end, lately, I've realized all you really can every count on is yourself.
Friday, July 20, 2007
I Can Wait
You know the past few days have been try..ng, the past few weeks actually have been incredibly emotional and all in all, the past few months have been a bit rough. But I've learned one thing through it all, I can at least bring up certain things and discuss them like an adult with the people that I care about. And while I may not understand the reasons behind the answers I get, while I may not agree with them or accept them as my own beliefs, I have to learn that what I do with my life does affect other people, regardless if I want them to or not.
The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?
And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.
The decision I was making, in the end, hurt too many people in the process and perhaps came upon that big of a choice too fast, but I found out that I had the strength and the support to show me the way I ended up choosing. For now, I will go on the way it is, for now I will be the good daughter, the good child, for now I will do as I am wanted to do, and wait, because what's another six months or a year in the span of a lifetime?
And it's a lifetime I can't wait to start living, but in the span of it all, I can wait.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
deep city lights
here in the concrete town that shelters me,
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.
here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.
here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.
here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.
here without reason,
here without answers,
I give my heart to you,
open and free and scarred.
here without question,
without a way for me to get it back,
here without friends or foes,
apart from family,
apart from soul,
here is my heart for you to keep.
here in this world that shines at night,
i am finding reasons i never knew existed,
i am finding my heart beneath the sheets that soon
may be ours, beneath the hearts that once ran wild.
here in the concrete town that gives its heart at night
to the river below, in the world that dreams create
and realities only cease,
i give my heart,
i give my hand,
i give my soul.
Monday, July 16, 2007
needs
I suddenly feel alone, all alone. My best friend is making a decision for herself this summer, a decision that is effecting me as well and without her, I feel like in a way I am being left behind, lost, abandoned. And while I know its what she thinks she needs, personally I don't think it is. And all at the same time, I need a change, I need to move on from where I am now and everything seems stale. And suddenly all I want is to leave, begin a new part of my life.
And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.
I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.
And while I sit here, I feel like everything I want right now, everything I need, will not happen to me for a long time. Why am I constantly the one that does everything right and end up getting punished in the end? How is that fair, how is that right? I want so badly to do the things that I want, to make my decisions, but in the end, I never can because too many other people tell me now, that this isn't the right time, that this is wrong.
I want someone to answer yes, to want to be with me, to want me to have what i want. I want so much from my life and I feel like right now, no one will let me make the choices I know are right... no one will let me do what I want with my life.
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