sun, clouds, rain and a depressing country song

The sun is going in and out of the clouds, a diet coke sitting next to me on the nightstand, books scattered all over my bed, my homework laying in front of me mocking me. But somehow I can't pull away from the thoughts rushing through my head and in my heart there is so much that is dying to be answered, so many questions that I want to know the answers to. And there is something about the silence here, the moments I think of you, the moments I know there is no truer love that guides me on. Watching my heart grow over the past few months and knowing that I have something that every girl dreams of, I have the guy every girl wants to have and the prince that stole my heart. And yes it hurts thinking of us being apart and about the a few months that we won't be together every day or that we won't have time to ourselves and just be how we are now, but somehow right now, right in this moment, that doesn't bother me as much becuase I have complete faith that you are the one I'm supposed to be with, you are the guy that would give anything for me, the one who is always on my mind. And I want a future with you, I want to be beside you, I want to support you and though sometimes my emotions fail me and my unsurities and insecurities pull me down, right now, I don't see us falling or failing. Everyone else can think what they want but I want you, I want us, I want it all with you. Listening to this sad country song I'm listening to about a guy that loses the girl he knows he should've been with forever, a guy who said some things that he shouldn't have and a guy who realizes he's lost the best thing that ever happened to him, I hope that never happens to us but I'm sure it won't. And love hurts, it's hard, it's commitment, it's sacrifice, it's magic when done right and everlasting when it works. Love is worth every moment of hurt, every second of being unsure, because when you know you love someone, that commitment can last a lifetime. And sometimes what we think about the most or what hurts us the most and brings tears to our eyes, those things often mean the most to us. They are the most important things in our lives and they are the things that we know we don't want to live without. I won't ever walk away from the guy you are now, from our love we have now, from what we are now. Walking away is an escape, an excuse and I want to work through whatever comes up with you. Right now, I'm not scared, because I know this song will not be us, I know the distance will not take me away from you, I don't ever want it to. So as the sun is still moving through the clouds and the rain is falling on and off, I realize to myself that the moments we have now are perhaps the most important of our lives because finding you was the most important moment in my life and everytime I kiss you, I know we're brilliant.

if...

Why can't a moment be intimate, why can't it be timeless? Why can't our lives stay in the moments, why are they rushed, why do we rush them? How come life can't slow down, why can't we lie there for hours? Why can't we sacrifice a few hours to relax, to be in each other's arms? Why is it that time runs away from us and we lose moments that could have been special, that could have meant something more. And in meaning more, do we even know what that means? Why can't he just wait for her, lay there and just look into her eyes? Why can't he just take an extra second and admire her? Why rush away, making her feel used and not worth the time? And when will she get what she really wants, when will she be able to lay there all day and just look into his eyes, not wondering when he'll get up or when he'll leave? Maybe she'll never get what she dreams of, maybe it's not possible in this world... but why not? Why can't life just stop and let her do everything she wants and lay in bed all day? Why can't she just exist without existing and live the way she always wanted to? Why do her dreams have to be compromised; why do her dreams not count anymore? Maybe it's life, maybe it's reality, maybe that's how it is going to be, but it's not fair. It's not right and it shouldn't be... no girl should ever give up her dreams, no girl should ever have to compromise her time, her years. If girls are supposed to turn out just like their mothers, giving everything for the men in their lives.... then life needs to change.

the simple things

It's the tiny things that make me love you: the way you look when you're concentrating so hard on something, the way you hold me when showing how to grip my hands on the club, showing me how to golf in my room, the way you slowly glance at me when you think I don't notice. It's the way you make me feel, the way my heart pounds as you draw near. And no one makes me feel the same... no one else ever will. So here I am listening to Rod Stewart, that same song we just talked about tonight, and though you've left not an hour ago, I already miss your touch and your gentle smile. It's the simple things that make our love work: never tiring of talking to each other, the inside jokes, and the normalness of an everyday life. It's the simple meals: ravioli or Burrito Loco, it's the willingness to give anything to the other person and holding your hand as we walk through the rain. It's moving you car in the middle of the night and watching you golf, remembering every movement, every swing. It's understanding each other and finding moments when all I have to do is to look into your eyes and know that every single part of me loves you. And it's the smallest, most insignificant things that made me fall in love with you: the way you move your hand through your hair and then settle your hat, the way we can talk for hours and how I can always cry on your shoulder. It was the first kiss that took me away and you "had me from hello." It's the way you'd live in sweats if you could and talking about your "boom-boom room." It's the long stories and the way you makke me feel even when I look my worst. It's knowing more about me than anyone else ever has and not being scared by that, it's our moments, our secrets, our dreams and hopes. And our love is simple, it's not complex or hard to understand, it's concrete, it's strong. I don't want a hard, intricate relationship, I don't want drama and fights, I want you, I want us and I always will. Thank you for loving me, for showing me what love is like and for being you, because you made me fall so hard, so fast. You took my breath away and captured me... thank you....for the simple things and for what we have.... it's brilliant.

The Green

The gentle movement of his hips,
the motion of his swing
as his arms through the motion;
the same motion those tanned arms have done for years.
A known position as his leg turns with the swing.
That stance is poetic
as the arms swing the club through,
as his fingers move to the rhythm
and his eyes follow the tiny,
white
sphere
through the air.
This is his dream --
a life in the making and in every swing of the club,
a new dream might flash before his eyes.

The out
turned
foot,
the watchful gaze as his green eyes
follow the ball through the air,
into the atmsophere and then back to where it lands.
And his whole heart is swinging that club,
his whole being in that one swi g.
His questions are answered in this game,
and playing it is his first love.
The green and the flags,
the holes and par four's,
the birdies, bogies and all else in between
are his life and his in them,
his heart first loved.
How much magic is there in that?
that he lives the same as I do in my writing,
but through an ancient game
that
captured
his poetic
heart
long
ago.

~constants~

Moments come and go, friends are here one day then lost and preoccupied the next. Habits collect and disappear; hobbies are there for a while and then dissolve into the seconds that we lose everyday. There are only a few constants in this life and in a world where I have known darkness, goodbye and hurt, there are only three things that are constant that will always fulfill me and that I would give anything for. If you know me at all, you know who I could not live without, the guy I fell head over heels for, the guy that completes me and the guy that makes every day worth living to the very last second. He is a part of me that will always be here in my heart and a part of me that will never fill up without him with me. He is eveything to me and my love for him could withstand anything; my heart will always long to be in his arms and in his safety. The second is my family, the ones that love me unconditionally and the people that have always been there, experienced everything with me, good and bad. They are my dad, who though we've definitely had rough patches is one of the best men I know, it is my mom who is always such an amazing woman and a great role model; my brother who is a friend no matter how cool he thinks he is; it's my aunt who is an amazing friend and always there for me; my cousin and my grandparents who are such amazing people and have a love that's stayed so strong for so long. My family will always be a big part of my life and I kknow that they will except the decisions I make, they trust me and trust I know what is right. The next constant thing in my life is my faith; my ability to know something higher is there, that prayer will get me through the toughest times in my life. It calms my deepest fears and acknoweledges my deepest threats. My faith and my prayers will always guide me through the rough patches, at least I hope it will as it always has. And finally, my writing will continue to be a part of my life. It will be a way for me to express everything I feel when I can't say it face to face. It is a way for me to put words on the paper and create an image that relates to more people than just myself. It is a passion, a love that will always be with me. There are only a few things that I know for sure will be constant in my life... a few that will stay in my heart and that will continue to capture me every single day of my life. They are passions, loves and desires, they are truths, prayers and moments between souls that will always save me. And in this world where life gets so chaotic, so threatened, we must learn to love as deeply as is possible, to value family in the deepest place in our hearts, to have something that guides us and we can hold on to when times get tough, and to have a passion that means the world to us, that lets us be who we are and be completely ourselves.

praying, wating, wishing

Looking around today while sitting in that old, familiar pew, the same seat I always choose, the same church that I have known for months now, I realized something incredible, a brilliant moment surpassed. Looking around at all the couples, at all the people who have found love, at all the moments they have shared. And as I sat there, alone yet totally content, I realized that I have everything I could want in this world; I have something that some people never find. And sooner or later, the years are gonna go by and we're all gonna look back and remember how we dreamed they'd go by faster. I realize that soon we're gonna be all grown up, the real world is going to hit us and we're going to have to live our dreams and do it on our own with out anyone helping us out. But I'm ready for that, I'm ready for life to take me away and show me where I belong. I know I belong in his arms, in his world but what is in store for me? Will all my dreams come true, will what I wish for, every time the clock is at that certain time or everytime I enter a tunnel, will they come true? I guess all I can do is pray, wait and wish on every star I see that my life continues to be as brilliant as it is right now...

but love is

in a series of moments the world is washed away,
the sand no longer floats beside the beach,
the waves crash upon the grains like there is no end,
and in the sky the clouds are captured,
swallowed into the endless, enormous expanse.
there is hope however,
hope in a world that can change,
in people that can change.
hope in a confession,
hope in a chance to kiss those we love endlessly,
hope in finding love for the first time and holding onto it.
the world is not endless, life is not endless,
but love can be.
love can be that tiny grain of sand that stays forever,
never being washed away no matter how strong the waves get,
or how endless the storm rages on.
love is that tiny fragment of cloud as the rest of them are gone,
that tiny moment in the sky, in the cloudless air
that can hold on to everything and nothing and in between.

the world is not endless,
niether is life,
but love is.

My Reason

Today, the 17th of January was a special day. It was not significant because of an anniversary or of a day that has been marked down in history. This morning I woke to something I want to have every day for the rest of my life, this morning I threw everything away to just do exactly what I wanted, this morning I made a decision to be who I want to be for the rest of my years and a decision that I'll always hope to hold on to. For once, I let it rain just to rain, for once I pulled the hair away from my face and smiled because I am so blessed and I am so in love. And every moment that I live and breathe with him I am better, every moment I am near him and every moment I am alive, I can't help but think how lucky I am, how fortunate I am to be able to love, especially after I thought I had closed off my heart. So many people have told me they have seen such a change in me, in my writing and how I seem so happy and content with everything I have. They tell me they were scared for a while, that I was a little edgy, a little "dark." And yes I was, I'll admit it, I had my life ripped away from me for the second time in a few young years, and yes it was a challenge... but I triumphed through it and I could not be happier. There is one specific reason that I am who I am right now and it's you... it's you who would do anything to make me happy, you who takes me to the riverfront, who takes time to play Gin with me; you who buys me orchids and who always walks me to my car. It is you who leaves me little notes and icards to wake up to, who gave me the key to your heart and who tells me I'm beautiful even when I feel like I have no hope. There is one reason I am who I am today and one reason that I am a little less "dark," and more hopeful than I have ever been. There is one reason why I am the woman I'm growing to be and one reason that I have been able to open my heart to love... my reason is you.

~

"I write for the same reason I breathe -- because if I didn't, I would die."
~Isaac Asimov

*~~*

Hands

Hands still and poised prepare for the moment,
Fingertips opened to the wind and eyes ready for the sun
To awake from its door of despair,
The hands are soft and still,
Waiting to bleed those words onto the page.
There is nothing to take from this place,
No words to steal from the work of this place,
For the river cannot talk, though it is possible
To find yourself in its silence.
But to find the significance in the great blue stillness,
The hands have to be ready to capture the whispers.
The cold, unbalanced, naïve fingertips must wait and stay still,
For in a moment, the wind will whisper and the river will rise,
Only to point you on your way,
Through the desperate valleys and the linguistic lofts of the earth.
It will rise only for a moment,
For there will only be seconds for you to find yourself,
Only moments and minutes and all that is in between.
So be ready, I say,
For the river will whisper its secret scent, its muster and might,
Only to a few, its prayers will only be raised on high for a split moment
In time and perhaps you will be there,
Waiting to capture its words and whisper with those still and poised hands.
Perhaps it is when you are the most lost
That you find the true image of your own still and poised hands,
Perhaps those hands are the passage to your dreams,
To all that you desire.
But for now, you will find yourself in the struggle
And in the moments when the river rises to meet you,
When you get lost again and again,
Only to be there to write of the whispers you hear
And the silence it speaks.
Only few will ever write of what I feel,
Only few will ever speak of its haunt,
Though these hands are still and poised and ready for the moment,
When the blue expanse will open its vast and lonely mouth,
To whisper for a few travelers,
Its only audience,
And lead them on their way through the silence.

Unraveling... (Someday Sin)

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
and turn back the clock on my someday sin?
Life is giving me a life,
then telling me I can't have it yet;
I was given love and told I'm too young to know it yet.
Can you help me, tell me how it is they can criticize,
how they can think we're too young,
how we're not old enough to be planning the future.
Who are they to say what we have,
who are they to tell me no,
who are they are to say I'm too young?
They did all the same things,
felt all the same feelings and rebelled against all
the same rules.
They were wild in love and just as young,
just as ready,
so who are they to criticize, who are they to tell me no,
that I can't have what they had.
And who are they to be dissapointed,
times have changed since their days,
and life is different now.
But why does this one decision change who I am,
it shouldn't have to,
it shouldn't mean they change their view of me.
But can you stick up for me Mom,
can you tell them I'm still a good person,
I'm me, nothing has changed.
I'm responsible and I've done nothing wrong,
so stick up for me, I know you understand.
You're the only one they'll listen to,
so can you unravel my latest "mistake",
and turn back the clock when I commit this someday "sin."

Honestly...

The last three days have been a dream for me, quite literally and in a more mystical sense as well. They have been so amazing, showing me a life I want to have someday and more importantly showing me what is quite possible which makes it all the more exciting. I fell in love all over again these past three days, and being with him here makes me want him even more, back with me all the time, back to how it normally is. I love laying in his arms and thinking of nothing but him, holding him close, kissing him, sharing small moments with him talking about our dreams. I love spending whole days with him once again and never wanting to leave, I love watching him and I love seeing him do that "thing" with his hat. I love being apart of something and of being kissed in the rain, I love sipping hot chocolate with him and being a part of his life. And the last three days have made me realize even more of what I want, even more of what I dream of someday.... and I want all of my dreams, every single one of them to come true with you, honestly I do. (haha)

Fairy Tales and Unicorns

What happens when we lose our dreams, when there is nothing left to capture a moment or to dream about the future? There is nothing that keeps us going like having dreams, ambitions, desires or whatever you choose to call them. But however those tiny letters stack up to form the word, nothing can compete with dreams because in a world that belief is measured on faith, we have to know what we believe in and how far we are willing to chase those dreams. I believe in the essence of dreams and that by believing in something that means everything to you, you can do no wrong. I used to dream of falling in love, finding my prince, and being whisked away in a white carriage being pulled by unicorns. And in that dream, a young girl's mind was freed. And though I know my dreams have changed, they have become a little more realistic, though all the same they are what drives me and what keeps me sane in this world of reality. For a dreamworld sometimes has to be an escape to realize our place and what we're worth. These days I dream of keeping the love I have, keeping him for always; I dream of taking a walk along a Parisian street in the fall, of marrying in a church that means something to me, of being able to always write, of spending Christmas one year trapped somewhere with snow all around. I dream of kissing the man I love in the rain at the beach, of standing for hours in a snowfall and not caring about anything else in the world; I dream of making love last forever, and of dying with dignity, knowing that I meant something to someone somewhere and that I touched someone with more than I could ever know. These are dreams that may never come true, but they still are the dreams that I hope do. And it is dreams and wishes like these that keep us alive and that push us forward, hoping for the future, hoping we'll live to be the people we should be. My dreams have changed from fairy tales and unicorns to dreams that are a bit more realistic, yet still out there. My only hope, my only wish and my only prayer is that just a few of them come true...

"QUESTIONS"

Do you ever wish we could just move on ahead a few years and make everything easier? Do you ever just want everything to be simple; to uncomplicate things? Do you ever just want to go all in and not worry about who has the higher card? Can't family come second? Can't love dictate all; can't we stand up for what we believe in or fight for who we love? Don't you ever just want to say "forget it all" and leave, drive into the sunset and not worry about what's expected from us? How can I say what I want to say; I guess I never will. Can't the world just keep going on as it normally does? Can't everything else take a back seat to us? Don't you just want to escape the reality of every second we face? And why can't we be trusted, actually why can't they trust you? Why can't we just always be together, I guess it will end up being the one who gives up more who ends martyring themselves. Don't you ever wish that sacrifices would come equally from both? Why can't we fast forward a few years and always be together? How come some have it so easy and we are faced with this distance? How is it fair that they have each other all the time and we have challenge after challenge? I just wish that you were here, that everything else could take a back seat, that I could lay my cards down on the table and not worry about what the other hand may be. I just wish that we had more chips stacked on our side and that everyone else could be put behind us, that we are the only ones that matter. Why can't we just grow up and be together; why can't we trade sacrifices for just love? And in my wishes, I hope that some come true and that someday I find the answers I'm looking for...

Here's To 2006

Sitting here in a new year, on a new day, on the verge of something I've dreamt about all my life, and I find all my dreams again in you. I can see them in your eyes and I want them all to come true as I am beside you, here and now and always. Life is just beginning for us, life is opening up ahead of us and pointing us on her way, showing us that together everything is possible. So as a new year's resolution, I'll take on the same one that you came up with. Though I know that we won't have a problem keeping it; yes it will be hard sometimes, yes sometimes I'll cry and I'll need you to hold me, sometimes I'll be scared of losing what we have, sometimes we'll be busy, but I know we can do it and make it through. I hope and pray we can. And all I want is to be a part of something bigger, something with you; knowing that in your glance anything is possible and in your embrace I am never really alone. So a year from now, I know I'll be writing something similar to this, because I know in my heart that what we have is true, what we have is not feigned or fake. You're part of me, you complete me, you are everything I need and everything I ever could want, you are more than that and the best you ever could be for me. So baby, here's my toast to the new year, to a year up to us to make it, a year to fulfill our resolution and keep our love alive. You're part of me and without you I am not whole. Here's to the new year, to 2006, a new year which will be even better than the last...