"Momentous"

When did praying get so hard,
When did loving him become easier
Than painting my nails black and calling
Myself punk rock, when I was pink all along?
When did being alone become so lonely
When I’d lived it for 18 years and suddenly
He changed all that. One day changed 18 years.
Ironic isn’t it? When did my best friend leave
And why can’t I have that back again?
When did living on my own become the best
Thing that I’ve ever chosen to do and how long
Will it be until he’s back? How long till the roses
Don’t remind me of him not being here,
How many hours till faith comes back?
When did days of silence become years
Of noise and when did a baby brother
Become a silent man? Where along the road
Did father become friend after being enemy?
When did heart and soul become words to
Live by and where along the journey I took
Did alone mean something more than it ever did before?
Alone used to be alone in my room, alone with no
One to love. Now alone means wanting the only I love
To be back, missing him. Missing my one and only while
Being alone. Where did the days of doing nothing go?
18 years of being me has turned into 2 years of searching
for more. When did looking for answers get so hard?

When did praying get so hard?
When did loving him become easier
Than changing myself?

wondering

Ever wonder why life takes us where we go? How silence makes us think, sometimes we need it, sometimes it kills us: but none the less, we each need moments of silence, to grow or to heal it doesn't matter. Sometimes that's the same. Sometimes a moment alone is the best thing that ever happens to you. A moment to cry alone in a closet, a moment alone to think about where your life is ggoing, if it's right or if it's wrong. Sometimes you have to take a moment of silence in a church, in a confession to whom ever you pray, or a moment alone in the middle of a city, noise everywhere around you, but silent all the same. How beautiful silence is. How curing it is. How scary it is all the same.

A moment to yourself can help us find ourselves. It can show you the path you want and help lead you on to that. Ever wonder where you're going. Take a moment. Follow the footsteps laid out in front of you and just think... nothing else, think in the silence and go where it takes you.

~not anymore

Breezy days take my breath away,
their stillness, their sultry silence moves
the day through me,
moves the wind, the waves, the faces in and out.

It loses me in the world,
so insignificant, losing track of what I used to have.
Lost calls, lost moments, lost magic,
where did it all go, when will it be back?

The silent days lose me also,
the drives to where I used to go,
the songs that used to make me melt,
remembering those breezy days we walked
all around, to the water and back,
where did they go.

and lately, the breeze loses me even more,
tears don't come, they've evolved into something more,
this is all something i can't control,
so why try anymore is how I feel.
Hmm, how I fell, ironic.
Breezy days take my breath away,
but not in a good way... not magical,
not mysterious, not momentous.
Not anymore.

*dedication*

IT must be so incredible, the feeling, the love inside at that moment. Wearing white, seeing him in black under rows and rows of tulips and roses, pink, white and red. It must change you, it must make you so scared and so happy at the same time, knowing that forever isn't long enough with him, but yet forever is so frightening to imagine. For he is yours for all time, for every single moment in your life and every single hour you breath. That moment must halt your breath, as you look down the aisle to your future,, hand in hand with the father that's always been the man in your life, through good and bad, through everything. And as he hands you off you are suddenly in a new relationship, one as bonding as your's and your father's but deeper and even more everlasting. It must be magic as you know it's really happened, you're really married to that man you love to deeply. It must be insane the feeling you have, the realization of where you are and what you're doing, wearing the most beautiful gown you've ever imagined, staring into his eyes and suddenly, nothing else in the entire world matters at all. That moment he slips the ring on your finger and that moment when love can live forever and only die when you let it. That moment is forever, it's not taken lightly,, it's not "until we don't feel like it anymore," it's forever,for always, until the end. That moment must be so incredible, the feeling, the love inside you at that moment. WEaring white must be the best day of your life.

**Congrats Dez. May love stay with you always.*

~*i fell in love again*~

This weekend I feel back in love all over again with that boy I love so much. I found the truth that had been missing while he was gone, the moments we shared, the time alone just lying next to each other. I found love all over again and realized that he is the boy I want forever, he is the one I want. And I know there will be times when we both struggle with love, when we both are struggling to balance all the commitments in our lives and the growth of each of our lives on their own and with each other. But you know, I don't care, it doesn't matter what I end having to leave behind because I would for him. I think we can both have everything we've always wanted, but if I have to wait a little longer to achieve those, then at least I'll have him to hold at night, him to talk to when I'm upset and him to sit with on our porch with our dogs, just relaxing and looking into each other's eyes knowing that "I forever do" is real and always will be.

growing up... embracing it

I dont think I've ever been on such a roller coaster as this year has been. I was down as deep as I've ever been last summer, as my mother called it "my dark period" was tough for me, leaving friends, my home, my whole life and leaving it behind for something I didn't like and a summer drifting from one place to another, always alone. Then the fall came and I came to school, started life on my own and then I fell in love as deeply as I ever could. I grew up a lot this year, with responsibilities, a new life, an apartment, a boyfriend, I matured quite quickly to make up for the maturity I already did not have. And as I grew, I expected everyone else in my life to mature too and to grow up as I had to and was expected to.


People let me down this year, friends became more like burdens, some at least, and I found that my time alone was spent recovering from the day, thinking and sometimes scared to death of what was going on and what I would I end up doing or being. Looking back, there was a time in January/February that really hit me hard, I was totally lost, unable to really talk to anyone, a time when suddenly the aura of falling love was gone, the responsibility was back and I felt like I was drifting. I was down again and had to pick myself back up, change things up and start over. Again I grew up from that and realized that sometimes all you can do is count on yourself.

And then after a few months of bliss, becoming so close to the boy I love I lost him again. I went from being so high to falling so low emotionallly. My whole life changed once again and after a year of ups and downs all I wanted was a steady solid summer, no emotional tragedies, no emotional upheavels... yet that's not what happened, and that's not life. AFter a few long days of tears and looking at old photos I found myself again and embraced the silence, making it my own and using it as time to think and time to be who I used to be. I grew up again, changed again, altered my life once again and thouggh some days are still hard for me, some days the tears just won't stop falling and I am so dissapointed in the people around me because it seems all I have is myself.

But then I sit here in my fabulous apartment, looking out the open window at a concrete town that has changed me into who I am and let me grow up here, feel at home here and I realize that even though maybe sometimes all I have is myself to lean on, to talk to, to know, I am still in love and I care for him so deeply, more than anyone I've ever known. And in him, someday maybe he'll grow to see the city and the life I live attractive and come to embrace it as well. Maybe someday I won't have to grow up alone, someday someone will be beside me as I grow and they will protect me from the roller coaster I've lived and keep me headed up toward the sky, neve letting me go toward the ground again.

sure as hell

I'm not so sure what I'm feeling right now, I don't know where I am in my mind, all I know is that when I think about it, I'm not even close to where I want to be. I don't know if it's too much alone time these days to sit and think, or not enough sleep or too much running through my head, but I do know that someday soon I want to feel good in my own skin, feel beautiful without having someone have to tell me. I want to listen to sad music and appreciate it but feel fabulous still, feel happy. I want to trust people and look past all their flaws, I want to have a friend that doens't want anything of me except my company sometimes. I want a world where no one tells me.. ."i'm gonna tell you this, but don't tell anyone else." I want to take naps on the roofop under the sun and write about a new topic every single time i sit down. I don't know what's running through my head as I write this... it's weird, itt's foreign, not who I used to be. I don't know though whether better or worse, who knows anymore... I sure as hell don't.

*** just dreaming ****

What do you do when all your dreams come true? Where will I be when they all become reality and who will be there with me? Will I smile on my wedding day in a simple gown and white ballet flats and look into the eyes of my husband knowing that forever is not long enough? Will I get a kiss under the eiffel tower and a proposal under the stars? Will I accomplish all I want to? and will my life go the way I want it to? But no matter what happens I'll survive, I'll live as me and I'll live as the person I become, making friends, keeping old ones and loving forever. Dreams are only as real as you make them... may my dreams and yours stay as real as they may for all the years to come.

baby you're my weakness

When you say my name I melt,
when the music plays and all I see is you,
I can't stop myself from your spell,
baby your my weakness.

When I see you smile at me from a ways away,
and when I'm in your arms,
I can't stop thinking about forever,
baby your my weakness.

And baby here tonight,
as the sky is sweaty and still,
humid and brisk,
baby you're my weakness
and when the music plays and your eyes meet mine,
I would stay weak my whole life to keep you as my weakness.

shadows

Shadows can follow you closely,
they can take over others in your presence,
and drown them without light.
I'm a shadow somedays,
others I'm the sun casting them.
We all have moments in the shadows,
some last for days, some for months,
some rub off on those around them
and some become seperate from who we
thought we'd be.

Shadows can be dark or opaque,
they can take over, conquer and elapse time,
but in the end, they are a part of us and always will be
as long as the sun continues to rise.

forever do

Today was a new day, a new chance, and I took it. today I was happy, I enjoyed myself and though I still missed you my love, I was stronger than I've been. And that's how I need to take each day from now on and I know some will be tough,, some will drag on forever and some I'll cry at night and need to hear your voice deep into the night. But some will be happy, some will work out, some will make me smile and laugh at stupid things that only you and I understand.

And I want you to know something. I could never love anyone like I love you, I could neverr love as deep as I love you, you're mine and I forever do. I can't wait to see where life takes us, I can't wait till october 4th, I can't wait till the moment when our futures truly come together and those moments are what are keeping me going. Those moments are what make me smile and laugh and remember how it used to be when you were always here. those moments and hopes are the driving force that keep the tears out of my eyes and the hurt out of my heart.

So tongiht and always my love, I love you with all my heart, all my soul and I truly mean I forever do.

warning: sick of everything

As a warning ahead of time, this is going to be all over the place, everywhere I am, everywhere I'm not... hold on, this post will be a ride, everything inside my head, and every single thing inside my heart.

There is always something that drives each and everyone of us and something that kills us. For me lately, more has been killing me than driving me, even as hard as I try to be strong, to live just as myself and forget the huge, ugly and tearful journey ahead of me, it all tends to end in negativity and tears. No tears are not sign of weakness, they are not flaws, they are dissapointment and heartache, they are being scared to death of living a summer over that almost killed me before. They are falling because I'm dissapointed in something, someone, who knows. I have people asking why it's happening a certain way, why something isn't here... and i'm wondering myself, if I'm not good enough. If it's me, if somewhere it says something that i'm not worth giving something up. i don't know... and i don't know if any of that makes sense, but the more i think about it, the more i wonder, the more i cry and the more i look out my window and see the empty parking space just wishing and praying that somehow he'll drive up and surprise me on that street corner, making all my wishes come true and all my tears go away.

No one quite understands my issues with goodbyes, with letting go, with losing everything with no choice at all. No one understands the thoughts and hurt I felt when i left my home 8 years ago and left for a foreign place a million miles away and half way across the globe. No one realizes that it killed me, that all i knew what taken without anyone asking me if they could. Then 8 years later, again in one of the most crutial times of my life again all was taken, no permission asked, no considering what i needed, what i felt, where i needed to be. i thought i'd die last summer, i thought the days would never end and that somehow it would get better, and then it finally did, my whole world changed and i had everything i needed, everything i'd ever wanted, i fell in love and thought for sure i'd never have to say goodbye again. i thought for sure this time my permission would be asked, my thoughts considered, my tears would count for something.

but that never happened, nothing changed and i should've known it wouldn't. I just thought maybe for once i wouldnl't have to say goodbye, that once i could have a summer that meant something and that didn't make me cry every night. Maybe once I wouldn't be lonely and left alone to do it by myself. I should've known that wouldn't happen, i should've known i wouldnt have even been asked or considered. i guess it's just my fate, it's what i have to deal with.

i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of hoping i'll see him pull up, i'm tired of no one understanding and everyone taking out their issues over mine, like mine never matter, that everyone else's are more important and harder to understand than my own. i hate saying goodbye and i hate sitting and crying alone looking out at the city so beautiful but yet so hopeless at the same time. i'm tired of no one having the time for me when i give it all to them all the time, i'm tired of being pushed around and used for things. all i want to do is fly away somewhere and never cry again, knwoing that the next few months are going to be amazing and for once in my life have a summer that i enjoy.

summer past

It's not fair, these tears aren't fair,
this lonliness isn't fair,
why on the one day when I needed her
was she not there for me?
Why did fifteen minutes away seem like a million
and why am i alone here when I need someone the most?

It's not fair that I cry these tears,
for they are all too familliar of a summer past
filled with fear and lonliness... why
do I have to go through that once again?
Why am I fated for this lonliness I feel?

It's not fair that I lay here alone,
it's not fair that so many others have it so much easier,
it's not fair that I have no one here, what did I do to
deserve this?
i'm sorry I'm not stronger than this... I'm sorry I have to be
writing this, but if I wasn't,
these tears would be for no reason.

I've stayed strong all day,
kept all those tears and thoughts inside,
but here I am, can't do it anymore,
if I can't talk to anyone about it, then I'll write
and cry wishing away a day lost to lonliness.

It's not fair and I can't get through another summer
like the last,
if this keeps up,
I don't know if I have the strength to make it through.

imagine

Here I am awake again,
staring all around me as if you weren't leaving,
trying to imagine where i'll be tomorrow when you're gone,
and the next day and the next.

Here I am staring out at the city lights,
the night that encases me,
and the notes you left me taped on my window,
the skyline of this concrete town I love so god damn much
and the three tiny words that can make or break any
relationship but that give ours wings to fly.
"I love you" it says, just like I try to imagine
you'll be here next to me saying it.

Here I am awake early in the evening,
waiting for tomorrow to never come
so I don't have to say that goodbye I'm dreading so god damn much.
You kknow I have a hard time with goodbyes,
a hard time with saying them, living them, losing them.
I know it will be okay, but it won't be great, not fabulous, not brilliant,
just okay. But we'll make it through.

I'll just keep imagining you here with me
and the day when you'll be back here,
when we'll be together, never apart again.
It will be hard for me,
but here I am, still a live, I can do this, you can do this,
we can do this, we did it for 18 years.
But here we are, we can't do it for 2, 3 month,
we can, we really can.
I'll just imagine you're hear, that you're sitting with Yoda
right behind me on my bed, that you're in the other room,
that you're sleeping beside me once again.

Imagine life as I'm right there with you,
imagine my hand in yours, iimagine my soul in yours,
in our imaginations we'll make it through by looking
at "i love you" and the cityscape on my window,
leading me on to that day when I don't have to imagine ever again.

It's gonna be okay

I know it'll be okay, we're strong, we're right, we're real. Don't be sad my love, don't hang your head, don't silence your mind... it's gonna be alright, no matter what anyone says. We are gonna make it, we'll be strong, steady, real, right through the months that are to come. It's an obstacle for us to go through to prove ourselves to each other, to show our commitment, to show each other and everyone else it's real, and that it always will be. It's gonna be alright and together we'll stay strong, it's gonna be okay because we have each other through it all. And when I say forever baby, I mean it, when I say for always, I mean it,, you're my one and only and we're gonna be alright, I know we will be. Don't be sad my love, our love will save us and carry us through it. Our faith in each other will take us through the maze and lead us to the ending at the other end, reuniting our souls forever and for always, my love.

Sex and the City

though it sounds weird, Sex and the City always makes me think. It provokes things in me that I otherwiise might never come out. The idea that life can put you through so many obstacles and you always end up coming back to some point again, a point where everything makes sense, where everything becomes real again, and right. So someday when I'm older and richer and hopefully wiser, I''ll look backk on that show I liked so much and find a part of me that was hiding for so long, awakened to a new day and time when something real and right will come and in a moment, a new part of me will emerge. And I can't wait for that revelation and that second when everrything ends up where it should.