**Dedicated to three boys who lost their lives way too early and a tragedy that hit way too close to home**
Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
I wonder sometimes what happens
to the time, then others what happened
for it to take so long.
Boys and girls die young,
then some people live longer
than should be humanly allowed.
How is it chosen who should stay and who
should go?
It seems so unfair, so estranged,
so unmonumental, so torn away from life.
It seems so unfair, yet so fair to others
who learn a lesson from the rest of this.
Death is something that cheats some,
and rewards others.
Time ending seems to start a new life for some,
and leaves others wrecked and laying on the side
of the road to die as well.
We have no idea when we'll go,
when we'll crash off that broken highway,
or go down in a firy flash, crashing and losing hope
to live again.
We know not of what will come for us afterwards,
we can only hope its someplace as beautiful as
our lives hopefully were.
Life is not long enough,
not fast or slow enough.
Days don't mean enough or show
enough emotion,
moments don't last long enough;
sometimes too long.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
complete
Moments can sometimes take your breath away, they can make you realize how much something means to you, how much someone means to you. It only takes one small second for that moment to steal your soul away and when it happens your very breath is stolen from inside you and you know that you're more complete because of it.
It's a moment when his passion lives in you, when his dreams become yours, when you see him in his element and love him even more than you already do. It's when he puts his hand on the small of my back, to pull me closer to him. It's when he needs me, when he's lying beside me with his arm around me. It's when I'm so proud of him no matter what the sircumstances might be, when I know his intentions are always for the best, when he introduces me as "his girlfriend" and when he grabs my hand when I least expect him to. It' when I see him smile at me from a distance and mouth the words " I love you" to me, when he reads my writing and leaves a simple but thoughtful comment, it's when he smiles and I melt in front of it. It's when he lays in my arms and isn't afraid to lean on me through the toughest of times. It' when he genuinely confides in me, it's when he stands with his golf club and crosses his feet and makes me realize how lucky I am to have him.
These moments genuinely steal my heart and bring the love between us to the foreground. It's these tiny moments in time that make me who I am and more complete in the end.
It's a moment when his passion lives in you, when his dreams become yours, when you see him in his element and love him even more than you already do. It's when he puts his hand on the small of my back, to pull me closer to him. It's when he needs me, when he's lying beside me with his arm around me. It's when I'm so proud of him no matter what the sircumstances might be, when I know his intentions are always for the best, when he introduces me as "his girlfriend" and when he grabs my hand when I least expect him to. It' when I see him smile at me from a distance and mouth the words " I love you" to me, when he reads my writing and leaves a simple but thoughtful comment, it's when he smiles and I melt in front of it. It's when he lays in my arms and isn't afraid to lean on me through the toughest of times. It' when he genuinely confides in me, it's when he stands with his golf club and crosses his feet and makes me realize how lucky I am to have him.
These moments genuinely steal my heart and bring the love between us to the foreground. It's these tiny moments in time that make me who I am and more complete in the end.
Friday, June 16, 2006
faithful
How is it that faith is so hard to hold on to? When everywhere I look all I see is memories and gorgeous surroundings that mean everything to me. This is my home, here I belong, here I know is where I'll be for a while, and I'm loving every moment of it. So why is it here in this perfect city that my faith has been lost? Why is it here that I've found one thing and lost another? Why here have I found love and lost faith, found forever and lost now, found friends and lost family. Or perhaps I've just given what I used to have a new name... perhaps my faith just turned into love, but is all the same.
Or perhaps I've lost the faith that I always thought I knew just becuase I really never knew it at all. Maybe my faith has turned into a search and journey that i'm supposed to take, maybe I need to lose it and then find it again on my own, in myself. I think that opening your eyes to things you never knew before only helps you to find yourself even more and that as we grow, we only question more and more.
I would never count myself away from religion, I think it's vital, I know it is. In some form or another, I truly believe our lives would be empty without it, but I also know that there is so much to take in in life, that sometimes it's hard to handle it all at once. We're thrown at a million different streets, a million different paths and million different ways to live. We have to sift through the paths we're given and add to them smaller paths to help us make our way through. We must use what we have and are given to find ourselves and then find what we love and what we're faithful to.
Or perhaps I've lost the faith that I always thought I knew just becuase I really never knew it at all. Maybe my faith has turned into a search and journey that i'm supposed to take, maybe I need to lose it and then find it again on my own, in myself. I think that opening your eyes to things you never knew before only helps you to find yourself even more and that as we grow, we only question more and more.
I would never count myself away from religion, I think it's vital, I know it is. In some form or another, I truly believe our lives would be empty without it, but I also know that there is so much to take in in life, that sometimes it's hard to handle it all at once. We're thrown at a million different streets, a million different paths and million different ways to live. We have to sift through the paths we're given and add to them smaller paths to help us make our way through. We must use what we have and are given to find ourselves and then find what we love and what we're faithful to.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Autobiography
Recently my brother wrote his autobiography for a class at school and intrigued by the idea and by his paper itself, I decided to write my own. The story of me. The only life I've ever lived and ever will... here it is: the life, passions, prayers and dramas of me.
Born overseas, in a land sea and sand I came into the world as black haired baby to two teachers. The life I came into would stay with me for 12 years and the land that bore me would soon become a home I long to always go back to, a home that held me in the dunes of sand and the waves of salted sea. An Arab world became all that I knew, a world that favored tradition over popular culture and chose religion over politics. It was this world that I loved for 12 years, this world that made me who I am, this world that captured me and held me inside its palm, inside the desert and the sea.
It was only when I was 12 years old that I said goodbye forever to the only place I ever knew as home. I left that day 9 years ago, as a child knowing far more than I ever should have had to know. I left knowing I would never see these people again, knowing my life would never be the same, knowing that the home I knew would never be the same ever again. That 14 hour plane ride here was eternity, leaving, coming, being everywhere at once and being no where at all. My life was beginning but ending at the same time, one chapter finished, so many more to come.
And moving to Oregon, to Medford, a town in the southern part of the state I finished the rest of my young years. I made friends that have stayed with me to this day, friends that touched me, that shaped me and my ideals, friends that taught me a lot about life. I became who I am today there and those that know me now know that where I came from will always be a part of me, a part of my soul deep down inside of who I am. My life began there, my childhood ended there and again I said goodbye to that part of me. I cried a million tears over that goodbye because this time I wasn't leaving just a home, but a part of me, a childhood, an era that wasn't ready to be finished, a life ready to be lived, a place not ready to be let go. I left so much more there than I did over seas, I left my soul this time and that goodbye nearly tore me apart.
But through a year of Hell, I was pulled from the flames and rescued by someone that I will never let go of. He saved me from myself, from the Hell I was putting myself through, from the blame I was putting on everyone else besides myself, from losing everything I had built, from losing myself. I came to find more ecstasy in love than in faith, finding out that such love is true faith in something, no matter what you call it. I found myself faced with forever and for a time it scared me, but as time grew I realized that love like this was all that I've ever truly wanted in my life. His love saved my entire being, his love is what pulled me through the deepest days of Hell and I knew that I could say goodbye to everything else, but never to him.
This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences. I've found who I truly am, I've learned to be alone, to spend every waking minute with the boy that saved me, to experience new things with now doubts, and to be who I am no matter what the consequences may be. I've learned more of my family, learned to distance myself but stay connected at the same time. I've found a friend in the woman my mother is, I've left the blame and doubt behind and found a hero in my father and as we've grown, I've found both a friend and mentor in my little brother. He is the reason that I am writing this, he is my inspiration and he will always be my closest friend.
My future is not that far away. As I sit here writing this, I am almost 20 years old and everything I've always wanted is within my reach. My dreams and my passions are right in front of me, they are there ready to be used and acknowleged. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle at my wedding, with white tulips, white roses and pink orchids all around me, in a creamy white dress that's simple, elegant and hold my father's hand while he gives me away. REceiving his simple kiss on my cheek as he says goodbye to me, as his little girl that's all grown up. I can't wait for the look in my husband's eyes as he sees me walking toward him, ready to spend eternity with each other, ready to know that no one else will ever have our love. I can't wait to make a life with him, with the man that I already know I will love forever. I can't wait until the day I can come home from work and cook a beautiful dinner, spend the evening with the husband I've always wanted, go to bed and sleep in each other's arms. Wake up next to him, a good morning kiss and off to the day. I can't wait for the day I can spoil my nieces and nephews, taking them shopping and out to lunch, a day with Auntie Casey. I can't wait until I can sit on the balcony with my husband and look out at the river and watch the white clouds pass by in the deep blue sky, sipping wine as the breeze pulls us closer together. I look forward to the rocky path that marriage is, I can't wait for the ups and the downs, because after the downs, life always seems so much sweeter.
I know that when I am on my deathbed, that I will look back and see the past as it was: a beautiful, simple, extraordinary, faithful era of years. I pray that I will look back and like the way I lived them, that I lived them to my fullest potential and touched people along the way. I pray that I will have lived every passion I have,, that every dream will have come true and that every moment will have been worth living, no matter how good or bad it was. I pray every day that life becomes more incredible because right now, I have lived an amazing life and I can't wait to live the rest of it.
Born overseas, in a land sea and sand I came into the world as black haired baby to two teachers. The life I came into would stay with me for 12 years and the land that bore me would soon become a home I long to always go back to, a home that held me in the dunes of sand and the waves of salted sea. An Arab world became all that I knew, a world that favored tradition over popular culture and chose religion over politics. It was this world that I loved for 12 years, this world that made me who I am, this world that captured me and held me inside its palm, inside the desert and the sea.
It was only when I was 12 years old that I said goodbye forever to the only place I ever knew as home. I left that day 9 years ago, as a child knowing far more than I ever should have had to know. I left knowing I would never see these people again, knowing my life would never be the same, knowing that the home I knew would never be the same ever again. That 14 hour plane ride here was eternity, leaving, coming, being everywhere at once and being no where at all. My life was beginning but ending at the same time, one chapter finished, so many more to come.
And moving to Oregon, to Medford, a town in the southern part of the state I finished the rest of my young years. I made friends that have stayed with me to this day, friends that touched me, that shaped me and my ideals, friends that taught me a lot about life. I became who I am today there and those that know me now know that where I came from will always be a part of me, a part of my soul deep down inside of who I am. My life began there, my childhood ended there and again I said goodbye to that part of me. I cried a million tears over that goodbye because this time I wasn't leaving just a home, but a part of me, a childhood, an era that wasn't ready to be finished, a life ready to be lived, a place not ready to be let go. I left so much more there than I did over seas, I left my soul this time and that goodbye nearly tore me apart.
But through a year of Hell, I was pulled from the flames and rescued by someone that I will never let go of. He saved me from myself, from the Hell I was putting myself through, from the blame I was putting on everyone else besides myself, from losing everything I had built, from losing myself. I came to find more ecstasy in love than in faith, finding out that such love is true faith in something, no matter what you call it. I found myself faced with forever and for a time it scared me, but as time grew I realized that love like this was all that I've ever truly wanted in my life. His love saved my entire being, his love is what pulled me through the deepest days of Hell and I knew that I could say goodbye to everything else, but never to him.
This past year has been a whirlwind of experiences. I've found who I truly am, I've learned to be alone, to spend every waking minute with the boy that saved me, to experience new things with now doubts, and to be who I am no matter what the consequences may be. I've learned more of my family, learned to distance myself but stay connected at the same time. I've found a friend in the woman my mother is, I've left the blame and doubt behind and found a hero in my father and as we've grown, I've found both a friend and mentor in my little brother. He is the reason that I am writing this, he is my inspiration and he will always be my closest friend.
My future is not that far away. As I sit here writing this, I am almost 20 years old and everything I've always wanted is within my reach. My dreams and my passions are right in front of me, they are there ready to be used and acknowleged. I cannot wait to walk down the aisle at my wedding, with white tulips, white roses and pink orchids all around me, in a creamy white dress that's simple, elegant and hold my father's hand while he gives me away. REceiving his simple kiss on my cheek as he says goodbye to me, as his little girl that's all grown up. I can't wait for the look in my husband's eyes as he sees me walking toward him, ready to spend eternity with each other, ready to know that no one else will ever have our love. I can't wait to make a life with him, with the man that I already know I will love forever. I can't wait until the day I can come home from work and cook a beautiful dinner, spend the evening with the husband I've always wanted, go to bed and sleep in each other's arms. Wake up next to him, a good morning kiss and off to the day. I can't wait for the day I can spoil my nieces and nephews, taking them shopping and out to lunch, a day with Auntie Casey. I can't wait until I can sit on the balcony with my husband and look out at the river and watch the white clouds pass by in the deep blue sky, sipping wine as the breeze pulls us closer together. I look forward to the rocky path that marriage is, I can't wait for the ups and the downs, because after the downs, life always seems so much sweeter.
I know that when I am on my deathbed, that I will look back and see the past as it was: a beautiful, simple, extraordinary, faithful era of years. I pray that I will look back and like the way I lived them, that I lived them to my fullest potential and touched people along the way. I pray that I will have lived every passion I have,, that every dream will have come true and that every moment will have been worth living, no matter how good or bad it was. I pray every day that life becomes more incredible because right now, I have lived an amazing life and I can't wait to live the rest of it.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
the future is here, whether we want it or not
I have a lot going on in my head right now. Some of it controlable, some of it not. First of all, time is flying by. We're already at the middle of June, it seems like just the other day that Nick left, that school seemed like it would never end and that starting at my new school was forever away. And now here I am, starting the last week of my firt year of college, planning a busy three weeks until starting school again and realizing that it's not that long at all until Nick is back up here with me all the time. The summer I thought would be an eternity is going by faster than possible.
And then thinking ahead, in a mere few years, I'll be graduating, starting a life all on my own, perhaps getting married soon after, starting a life that I've never known but always dreampt of. The future is here whether we want it or not; in my case, I can't wait. This past weekend reminded me of how much I've changed, how much I'm happy with the person I've become and how much I love the boy that has made me into who I am today.
And then thinking ahead, in a mere few years, I'll be graduating, starting a life all on my own, perhaps getting married soon after, starting a life that I've never known but always dreampt of. The future is here whether we want it or not; in my case, I can't wait. This past weekend reminded me of how much I've changed, how much I'm happy with the person I've become and how much I love the boy that has made me into who I am today.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
him
there is no one like him. he's my best friend, my other half, my confidante and my critic. he's brilliant, my strength, protection, and smart. he's the one and only i belong with, the one and only i want, the one and only i know is right for me. he's the only one i want forever, he's the person that makes my world what it is. he's the love i've always wnated and finally got.... there's no one like him and he's my one and only.
Life List......
There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life. So many moments I want to live, so many things I will eventually do. Here's a list... I know I'll do most of them, hopefully all of them....
1. live in Paris
2. visit Spain and Morocco
3. get married in a simple, elegant ceremony
4. be successful in my career
5. buy my Audi TT, navy blue with a soft top and camel interior
6. travel the world
7. live on the Riverfront
8. take time to watch the sunsets in each new city I visit
9. keep writing for the rest of my life
10. write a book
11. be a good wife someday
12. see Imagen Heap in concert
13. have "Baby I'm Amazed" by Jem played at my wedding
14. read at least a few books every year
15. be an aunt
16. buy an old home and fix it all up
17. maybe open a restaurant
18. donate money to charities
19. maybe voluteer overseas
20. die knowing I accomplished everything I wanted to
1. live in Paris
2. visit Spain and Morocco
3. get married in a simple, elegant ceremony
4. be successful in my career
5. buy my Audi TT, navy blue with a soft top and camel interior
6. travel the world
7. live on the Riverfront
8. take time to watch the sunsets in each new city I visit
9. keep writing for the rest of my life
10. write a book
11. be a good wife someday
12. see Imagen Heap in concert
13. have "Baby I'm Amazed" by Jem played at my wedding
14. read at least a few books every year
15. be an aunt
16. buy an old home and fix it all up
17. maybe open a restaurant
18. donate money to charities
19. maybe voluteer overseas
20. die knowing I accomplished everything I wanted to
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
~"I"~
Somewhere out there is my old best friend that no matter how we see it, we have grown apart. Somewhere these days are my old group of friends, scattered around no doubt, changed I'm sure. Somewhere a few hours away is a family I used to know, still love but barely know. Somewhere out there a few more hours away is the person I fell in love with for the first time. The boy that changed my life and inspires me each and every day.
Somewhere here in between the sunset and the skyscraping towers, in between the river and the sea, the shops and the streetcars is a girl who only wants to grow into who she is. I have found out a lot about myself in the past month, more than I ever thought I could again. i thought I knew everything about me, the ins and outs, what I would do and what I wouldn't, who I wanted to be and who I didn't. I surprised myself and found out that there is so much more to me than I give myself credit for.
I....
belong here in the city,
know love can last forever
could live forever just watching the sun set
write to keep my soul alive
have lost parts of myself, big parts
have experienced so many big firsts in the past year
barely know my family anymore
miss the moments when i am totally alone
embrace the moments that inspire me
find that pictures can bring back forgotten memories
have a little wild side that I'm no longer afraid to embrace
love the big city life
miss having a close girlfriend
need to cry sometimes
have issues just like everyone else
have a passion for cooking
love looking back at old pictures
find intense inspiration from the beach
have lost friends this year
miss the relationship my mom and I used to have
have almost given up on prayer
have placed more faith in love (whether that's good or bad, who konws)
am right where I want to be
can't wait to start the rest of my life
find solace in the voice of the boy I love and laying in his ams
know forever can last
Somewhere here in between the sunset and the skyscraping towers, in between the river and the sea, the shops and the streetcars is a girl who only wants to grow into who she is. I have found out a lot about myself in the past month, more than I ever thought I could again. i thought I knew everything about me, the ins and outs, what I would do and what I wouldn't, who I wanted to be and who I didn't. I surprised myself and found out that there is so much more to me than I give myself credit for.
I....
belong here in the city,
know love can last forever
could live forever just watching the sun set
write to keep my soul alive
have lost parts of myself, big parts
have experienced so many big firsts in the past year
barely know my family anymore
miss the moments when i am totally alone
embrace the moments that inspire me
find that pictures can bring back forgotten memories
have a little wild side that I'm no longer afraid to embrace
love the big city life
miss having a close girlfriend
need to cry sometimes
have issues just like everyone else
have a passion for cooking
love looking back at old pictures
find intense inspiration from the beach
have lost friends this year
miss the relationship my mom and I used to have
have almost given up on prayer
have placed more faith in love (whether that's good or bad, who konws)
am right where I want to be
can't wait to start the rest of my life
find solace in the voice of the boy I love and laying in his ams
know forever can last
Sunday, June 04, 2006
thank you for you
This morning you held me tight, we laughed, we kissed, we were together and now you've gone away again. But I am not crying as I watch you drive away again, I am anxious for the 5 days until we see each other again. I am so ready for us to be together again, but I also know that it's already been a month since you've been gone and it will only be another 8 weeks or so until it's normal again. Until then I will continue to think of you with all my time, continue to dream of you here all the time again. I will hope for everything in us and believe that we will be okay. Thank you for the effort you are making; it means everything to me and more. For the tulips, for the pancakes, for the moments we shared. For the day in Salem, the chocolates which I adore and the PF Changs surprise on Friday, thank you hb of o... you are the most amazing part of my life and my rock that I hold onto when I'm falling down. You are the one and only person I want to love, the one and only that makkes me smile and laugh, the one and only that I want to share my life with. Thank you for being that person, thank you for you.
Love, ... Case
Love, ... Case
Saturday, June 03, 2006
past the point of no return: loving you forever
You know we've been through a lot these past 8 months. We've both fallen in love for the first time, found out people close to us arent' always what they claim to be, we've had so many big moments together, so many moments that were firsts for the both of us and that meant the very most they ever could. We've grown into the people we are becoming, we've both grown up and dealt with issues in our families, we've dealt with issues within ourselves and issues together, working through the hard times to get to times like these today when I couldn't hardly love you anymore than I already do. I never knew that my first love would be the one that I would want to keep forever, little did I know that the boy I fell in love with at 18 would steal my heart and keep it forever. I've never felt so many emotions as I have in the past 8 months, ups and downs, happiness and feeling lost. I don't think I've grown up as much as I have in these last months of my life and I never thought that these last 8 months would be the best I've ever had out of the 19 years that I've lived but they definitley were.
We've spent every hour of every day together and never got tired of each other, we've spent time together and apart, and those times apart made me miss you even more than I already do when you're just across the room from me. And honestly when you left this summer I didn't know if I could do this. I was scared and unsure of what would happen to us, but you knew our love would hold us together, you knew that we would be okay. You knew you loved me. You knew. And now I can see better how you knew, you knew because you had trust in us. And I do too. I trust us and I trust you.
And after today, after spending this weekend with you and having such an amazing time I've realized something. I know my love for you will never die, I know that every single moment we spend together will make up for all those that we don't, when you are away. And here as you lie next to me, with no idea that I'm even writing this, I want you to know one thing... and I want the world to know it too.....
"After eight months of moments, of firsts and lasts, of love inside and out, of happiness and troubles, of laughter and tears, I love you more than I ever have before. And I know that my love will continue to grow, continue to thrive and continue to become more complete than it even is now. You are my only love, I truly know that. I want you forever, I want us forever. And even though this summer is going to be hard like it already is, I know that when you are back here always, it will be even better and it will all have been worth the pain of being away to be back together again. Happy Anniversary baby... you are the one and only love in my life and I forever do."
~Casey
We've spent every hour of every day together and never got tired of each other, we've spent time together and apart, and those times apart made me miss you even more than I already do when you're just across the room from me. And honestly when you left this summer I didn't know if I could do this. I was scared and unsure of what would happen to us, but you knew our love would hold us together, you knew that we would be okay. You knew you loved me. You knew. And now I can see better how you knew, you knew because you had trust in us. And I do too. I trust us and I trust you.
And after today, after spending this weekend with you and having such an amazing time I've realized something. I know my love for you will never die, I know that every single moment we spend together will make up for all those that we don't, when you are away. And here as you lie next to me, with no idea that I'm even writing this, I want you to know one thing... and I want the world to know it too.....
"After eight months of moments, of firsts and lasts, of love inside and out, of happiness and troubles, of laughter and tears, I love you more than I ever have before. And I know that my love will continue to grow, continue to thrive and continue to become more complete than it even is now. You are my only love, I truly know that. I want you forever, I want us forever. And even though this summer is going to be hard like it already is, I know that when you are back here always, it will be even better and it will all have been worth the pain of being away to be back together again. Happy Anniversary baby... you are the one and only love in my life and I forever do."
~Casey
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