Here I am sitting with nothing I can do here. Looking around at this great apartment that he loves, but a place that feels somehow odd to me. I can't help it, I wish I could. And as we've spent most of the week over at my apartment that I absolutely adore, it somehow felt so much like the old days, the times when he'd come "home" and stay there, no switching back and forth, bringing bags, bringing clothes and a constant shuffle between two places. Cooking there, living there, "beingg" there felt right with him and perhaps it's just because he didn't have a real place of his own, but somehow it feels more right there than here. Even though I know he loves this place, I wish I could say I do too.
And perhaps it's just my mood right now, which I'm not sure exaclty how I would define it. But it's odd. A few things are bothering me... first of all an old friend of mine that means a lot to me for a few different reasons imed me about something very important, talking to me on a very personal level and on a very personal subject, (which I won't mention) and then suddenly left the coversation and didn't talk at all anymore. Which disturbed me, now I don't know if him and a bunch of buddies were messing around with me, or if he really is going through this and had to abruptly leave. Either way, both situations disturb me. Then I've been waiting around for a while for homework to be done, waiting to watch my show and waiting to basically just sit here and write and get even more frusttrated.
Let's see what else is on my mind. Hmmm... other than one of my only good friends up here about to leave and move across town, summer dragging on and on and myself being frustrated with stupid things, my life is decent. i guess it's better than decent, but i'm dramatic right now, in a weird mood, have a headache and am very tired. I'm fighting within myself on some issues right now and need a break from myself, but seeeing as that is impossible... i guess i'll have to live on.
i know i have it so good compared to so many so i'll stop bitching.. take this with a grain of salt... i'm weird tonight.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
confused
I'm feeling so ansy at the moment, so everywhere. And as I've been thinking so much lately, I can't wait to go through school and graduate and become a proffessional. I just want my own life, my own way to do things and while I already have some of that, I want it all. I want to be able to go out and buy things with my own money and to sit at a drafting table at night with a glass of wine and music playing and just work. I want that job, that stability, that life. I want a townhouse in the pearl, a downtown apartment in Seattle with a view of the water, a townhouse in New York City, a few years living in Paris and a job at a big time design firm. I want all of this, and I know someday it will come, I just have to wait patiently.
But am I that person that will get all of this? Can I do it? Can I have faith in myself that I can do it, can everyone else have faith in me? I am an independent person, I do what I want to do and I have dreams that I'm going to follow and achieve. Is that alright, or overwhelming and where will that get me? Will those that I love the most stick with me through that, support me through that? Will my dreams be overlooked when life choices come into play and will my life revolve around always putting myself in the position of it will come or will I stand up for myself and take action? Will I be able to stand up to myself and make sure I follow my dreams?
I've had these dreams for so long and I've always thought I'd go after them, but in this world where you have to conform to those around you and do what's best for everyone instead of following your personal agendas,, will I get all of this, will I stand up and do it in order to achieve all I want to? Or will I do as I do so often,, take a backseat on what I want because someone else wants something too?
But am I that person that will get all of this? Can I do it? Can I have faith in myself that I can do it, can everyone else have faith in me? I am an independent person, I do what I want to do and I have dreams that I'm going to follow and achieve. Is that alright, or overwhelming and where will that get me? Will those that I love the most stick with me through that, support me through that? Will my dreams be overlooked when life choices come into play and will my life revolve around always putting myself in the position of it will come or will I stand up for myself and take action? Will I be able to stand up to myself and make sure I follow my dreams?
I've had these dreams for so long and I've always thought I'd go after them, but in this world where you have to conform to those around you and do what's best for everyone instead of following your personal agendas,, will I get all of this, will I stand up and do it in order to achieve all I want to? Or will I do as I do so often,, take a backseat on what I want because someone else wants something too?
Friday, August 25, 2006
day in, day out
when the world is a circle,
a sphere round and round
and the rain pounds down day in and day out,
where is it we can find rest?
when will the crisp red leaves arrive,
the sweet winter rains and the days of gray
and thunder and the sweet days of solitude?
it's red tulips right now,
it's blue skies,
open windows,
sandwiches and smoothies,
it's walks at night,
ice cream.
but soon the world will stop turning so fast,
the leaves will morph into standing color,
red, orange, and purple.
the trees will lose their living veins
and we will live for them even more,
waiting for the crisp colors to come,
the thunder and solitary days of gray,
and most of all waiting and wishing for
the sweet winter rains day in and day out.
a sphere round and round
and the rain pounds down day in and day out,
where is it we can find rest?
when will the crisp red leaves arrive,
the sweet winter rains and the days of gray
and thunder and the sweet days of solitude?
it's red tulips right now,
it's blue skies,
open windows,
sandwiches and smoothies,
it's walks at night,
ice cream.
but soon the world will stop turning so fast,
the leaves will morph into standing color,
red, orange, and purple.
the trees will lose their living veins
and we will live for them even more,
waiting for the crisp colors to come,
the thunder and solitary days of gray,
and most of all waiting and wishing for
the sweet winter rains day in and day out.
Friday, August 11, 2006
better
Do you ever just want to be able to reach out and hold someone's hand when you know they need it the most? That's how I feel right now love. I want to reach out and touch you, hold your hand, embrace you, lay right next to you. I want to hold you and touch you, kiss you and hug you. I want you right now and I want to hold on to you when you need me. I know you're struggling right now my dear, but just believe me, it will get better. I promise you this, it will get better. Just be patient and learn to embrace the bad to make you better. I love you... it will be ok.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
balanced - not----------
Where does the balance come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? Is it meant to confuse us, make me feel guilty, somehow I don't see how that makes sense. Why can't it all fit into the perfect amount of space, when will time slow itself down and let me live it?
I'm alive in the harmony of the moments alone, when will I understand alll that is meant to make me live? Days are too fast, too slow, too inconsiderate. When will that balance be shown to me, when will they understand how hard this is for me to live? Trying constantly to sit on each side of that balance beam and balance it all out, everything is too much for me, it's too much to balance all that I am and all that they are.
Where does it come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? How am I supposed to do it when I have no idea where the word even resides, let alone follow it's unknown instructions and challenges that it brings.
I'm alive in the harmony of the moments alone, when will I understand alll that is meant to make me live? Days are too fast, too slow, too inconsiderate. When will that balance be shown to me, when will they understand how hard this is for me to live? Trying constantly to sit on each side of that balance beam and balance it all out, everything is too much for me, it's too much to balance all that I am and all that they are.
Where does it come from? When do we learn it; do we ever learn it at all? How am I supposed to do it when I have no idea where the word even resides, let alone follow it's unknown instructions and challenges that it brings.
breath
I can feel the shiver in your spine
lying next to me,
the gentle breath that keeps us alive,
the hand curled up in mine that keeps me steady,
the arms entangled up in each other,
and our love entangled in our souls.
I can feel the twitch in your breath,
the slow up and down of your back
as we lie as one here in this sea of pink,
a little bit of black and a little bit of in between.
I can hear your thoughts as I read them in your eyes,
and I could not ask for more,
than being where we are and waking up the next day
with the sunlight shinging through the windows ahead of me,
and reaching over to feel your breath once again.
lying next to me,
the gentle breath that keeps us alive,
the hand curled up in mine that keeps me steady,
the arms entangled up in each other,
and our love entangled in our souls.
I can feel the twitch in your breath,
the slow up and down of your back
as we lie as one here in this sea of pink,
a little bit of black and a little bit of in between.
I can hear your thoughts as I read them in your eyes,
and I could not ask for more,
than being where we are and waking up the next day
with the sunlight shinging through the windows ahead of me,
and reaching over to feel your breath once again.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Black and White
When did it become so black and white, when did a woman become defined by the family she raises and the number of kids and the family car in the large family home? Why is it that those of us who choose a different life are looked at differently? I’ve seen the women who never have kids, the ones that jump from husband to husband, the ones that work every day of their lives and live as independently as they possibly can. Their focus is not kids, but it’s a little more intense than I want as well. All I want is to have someone to love all my life, to know what I want, and to reach for every dream I have.
What’s so wrong with an apartment in the middle of a city, a man I can come home to every day that makes me smile and that would do anything for me and a life of travel, living all around the world, working, shopping, and loving? What’s wrong with wanting the city life, the long walks along the river in the fall and buying the fabulous clothes instead of buying diapers? Why can’t I be independent and self-reliant instead of putting all my attention toward a child? I don’t necessarily want a child, I’m not made for that. I’m not necessarily the woman who goes so far the other way, but I am definitely growing into a woman that has figured a lot out in the past year. And I have realized something important. There is no reason women without children should be looked down upon, there is no reason that they should be defined just by the title of mother. I have a lot to offer, I believe in myself, I see a future coming at me very swiftly and though I don’t see motherhood on the horizon, and I don’t necessarily want to see it there, that doesn’t mean that my life won’t be worth something.
My only wish in life is to touch someone and change their life. To feel that inspiration and to live through it. That to me is worth more than any child, any lover, any prize. All I want in life is to be judged as the person I am, child or no child, husband or no husband. All I want is love someone all my life, pursue my dreams, and live the most I can. When did that become a crime, when did having a child, no matter what kind of parent you’ll be or having it to please everyone around you, become something you have to do to be real? When did it become so black and white? It’s not, and though I don’t necessarily want children in my life, that does not mean my life is less that someone else that calls themselves a mother.
What’s so wrong with an apartment in the middle of a city, a man I can come home to every day that makes me smile and that would do anything for me and a life of travel, living all around the world, working, shopping, and loving? What’s wrong with wanting the city life, the long walks along the river in the fall and buying the fabulous clothes instead of buying diapers? Why can’t I be independent and self-reliant instead of putting all my attention toward a child? I don’t necessarily want a child, I’m not made for that. I’m not necessarily the woman who goes so far the other way, but I am definitely growing into a woman that has figured a lot out in the past year. And I have realized something important. There is no reason women without children should be looked down upon, there is no reason that they should be defined just by the title of mother. I have a lot to offer, I believe in myself, I see a future coming at me very swiftly and though I don’t see motherhood on the horizon, and I don’t necessarily want to see it there, that doesn’t mean that my life won’t be worth something.
My only wish in life is to touch someone and change their life. To feel that inspiration and to live through it. That to me is worth more than any child, any lover, any prize. All I want in life is to be judged as the person I am, child or no child, husband or no husband. All I want is love someone all my life, pursue my dreams, and live the most I can. When did that become a crime, when did having a child, no matter what kind of parent you’ll be or having it to please everyone around you, become something you have to do to be real? When did it become so black and white? It’s not, and though I don’t necessarily want children in my life, that does not mean my life is less that someone else that calls themselves a mother.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
breathe in the city
You ever see how the rest of your life can flash in front of your eyes. Well today as I walked home the 15-something blocks home through tons and tons of people, those that live in the city, that breath the city, that feel their best in the city, those like me. And then there were the tourists, the people that you can pickk out of a crowd without any ounce of complexity. The families with their fanny packs, the mothers trying to argue their way into their husband's minds and tell them to go down Salmon instead of Morrison, that the restaurant is east, not west. Then there are the girls that have just moved here, whether for college or for work, the girls that are living on their own for the first time, the girls that are growing in ways that I grew just a year ago.
And as I met each one of these groups upon my afternoon walk home, I realized that I have everything I've always wanted, everything that every girl wants. I have the love of my life sitting next to me, here again in this gorgeous city. I have a career on the way and classes that I absolutely love. I have been christened in the life of the city. I live and breath this city and I have found a part of myself here that I never would have anywhere else. And everyday I see people around me that inspire me even more. Everyday when the sun comes up and I look next to me at the boy I love so much, smiling to myself as I see the sun shining outside welcoming me to a beautiful sunny 70 degree day. Grab a cup of coffee, a marionberry muffin and put the ipod in my bag, earphones in my ears and head down the blocks toward the life I've chosen. There is nothing better in the world. There is nothing that beats the thoughts in my head, the sound of the music in my ears, the coffeee in my fingertips and the world of people moving all around me. There is nothing better than an afternoon walk down or uptown when I have no place to be, no time to run from. This is the life I've always wanted and it's inspiring me more and more everyday that I live it.
And as I met each one of these groups upon my afternoon walk home, I realized that I have everything I've always wanted, everything that every girl wants. I have the love of my life sitting next to me, here again in this gorgeous city. I have a career on the way and classes that I absolutely love. I have been christened in the life of the city. I live and breath this city and I have found a part of myself here that I never would have anywhere else. And everyday I see people around me that inspire me even more. Everyday when the sun comes up and I look next to me at the boy I love so much, smiling to myself as I see the sun shining outside welcoming me to a beautiful sunny 70 degree day. Grab a cup of coffee, a marionberry muffin and put the ipod in my bag, earphones in my ears and head down the blocks toward the life I've chosen. There is nothing better in the world. There is nothing that beats the thoughts in my head, the sound of the music in my ears, the coffeee in my fingertips and the world of people moving all around me. There is nothing better than an afternoon walk down or uptown when I have no place to be, no time to run from. This is the life I've always wanted and it's inspiring me more and more everyday that I live it.
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