trying

Sometimes people disappoint you. Actually, it happens a lot. Perhaps that's why marriages fail, why friends are lost, or why family sometimes seems to become more and more distant. Disappointment is one of those things that hurts so much more than lies, more than anything anyone can do to hurt someone else. And for some reason, disappointment makes you lose faith in the people that you thought you knew so well.

It seems that lately I have been hurt by disappointment from others. And it is in this disappointment from friends and lovers that has left me where I am now, having nightmares and crying to myself when no one is looking. Sometimes I think about how it used to be, so in love, so happy, so ready to go on forever. And honestly, that scares me now. Forever terrifies me because I want it to be thoughtful and sincere, I want it to be about the little things and about showing each other how much we love. I want it to be about special nights and enjoying time together. I want days with no arguments, and moments to just laugh.

And maybe it's me, maybe I am expecting too much from everyone in my life, but I don't believe in expecting any less than the best, because when you love someone or something, that's what I give.

I miss the icards, the kisses when you get home, tucking me in at night, not arguing with me on everything, smiling at me when you think I'm not looking. I miss all those little things that I fell in love with, the hats, the walks at the riverfront, putting your arm around me, not pushing me to do things, not the constant talking and asking questions. I miss the silence, most of all, I miss the quiet just sitting with you. I miss your faith in me, knowing that I know what I'm doing. I miss you're faith in yourself, and I miss being treated so well.

Life has changed and so have we, and now is the time to figure out if this means what it used to. I know that it will never be the same as it used to be, but we can try to not disappoint each other at the very least.

lost meaning

On the steps of something greater, I stand still taking in all that's happened in the past few years and as I reminisce in memories, suddenly I am very aware of who I am. Suddenly I know how strong I am, how willing and how passionate I am. I will never give into something I don't believe in, and I will never let others tell me what to think. That's not who I am and I will always stand up for what I believe is right and what I believe is fair. Life is not about letting everyone else think every thing for you, it's about making mistakes and learning and finding who you are and what you believe, and when you do, it's about paving your own path.

We must all look inside ourselves and ask ourselves, is the path we're on, truly our own, or are we trying so hard to make everyone believe it's our own, that we lost the meaning of that journey altogether.

chasing hope

What ever happened to the world we used to know? The one where parents would always bail us out, the one when home felt like the safest place in the world, where the biggest thing on our plates was a math test at school. And I guess as we grow, we must realize that our lives only get more complicated, that life only gets harder and harder to continue living. Lately, I just miss feeling safe. I miss that feeling of knowing someone will pull me through, I miss that feeling of a safety net.

I guess I should just believe in myself as my own safety net, but for some reason lately, though I feel totally loved, I also feel a bit like falling. I am falling slowly into something I can't crawl out of alone. And as the real world is approaching so fast, and the real future is right in my reach, I can see my dreams formulating and coming true and some how I am realizing that what if when I get to that moment when it is about to come true, and he doesn't want those things too? What if I get that job offer across the country and suddenly I am alone in that dream? And of course, it's easier said than done, but what if I end up having too much to lose?

I have never been the person to give up my dreams, never the person to let down when there is something I believe in. And I will accomplish my dreams, I will chase those hopes and aspirations of mine, that is who I am. It's who I've always been.

paving a path

Here we are, plunging head first into the real world ahead of us. Some of us are stopped at red lights that will never turn green, others are speeding along at 100 miles per hour, too fast to stop themselves at the other end. And then there are those of us in the middle, stopping patiently at each road sign, yielding to the oncoming traffic, those of us the know where we are headed, but that are taking our time on the scenic route of life. There are those that keep driving, hoping to find that road sign that will tell them where to go and there are those that drive aimlessly, not caring who's path they enter upon.

You know, we are only 21 years old, some younger, some older, but in the scheme of things, life is just beginning, life is no where near the responsibilities we want to place ourselves inside of. What happens when we we look out the window one day and wonder where we would have been, what happens when find out what our dreams are but can never accomplish them? So many of us are so quick to say what we want, to "know" it for sure, and believe me, I have been so many times and as I look back on the past few years since I've been on my own, I can't help but laugh at myself, at how serious I thought I was, at how mature I thought my life was. And still, as I have become more and more on my own, I have no idea what real life is really like, not yet, not just quite yet. And along the way I've found out so much about myself, but I've also lost a lot of who I used to be.

And I think that the losing and the gaining is normal, and its the merging of your old self and your new self that become the piece of who you are, along with what you do and what you stand for. There are moments that dreams seem like they in our finger tips, moments when it seems that nothing could go wrong, moments when you smile because of no particular reason, but do not confuse those moments with what real life is. Because as we grow, real life becomes all the more real, all the harder, and yet, through it all, all the more beautiful. I've come to realize that through the fighting we see each other so much clearer, through the hardships we learn so many life lessons and through the struggles we find which road we are supposed to be on. We find those road signs we need to continue on through growing up and sometimes, we have to follow those signs on our own. Sometimes we cant have someone else to follow us, sometimes we have to be selfish and to do it on our own and I truly believe that doing those things on your own, growing up following your own heart and your own dreams, and finding out about real life is the most important thing in the world.

I have been thinking a lot about all of us lately, about my close friends, about those people that I share this life with, those people that get through each day, whether it's a cosmopolitan after a long week, a Starbucks run in the middle of the day, or a night home cuddling and watching our favorite tv shows, it's those people that understand me best and that have created the journey I'm on. But at the same time, I must do it on my own, as must we all, do it on our own, before we find the road that meets us with someone else. We have to pave our own path before we can join someone else's.