For you

I remember this feeling, I remember this loneliness from three summers ago. That loneliness that you saved me from then, you're causing now. Like the song says, at this point, "I'm just seeing how the shine wears off" and I'm so tired of the arguments, the fights, the tears. I've been here before and I hardly made it through, I've been here before and I cannot do it again. The tears are back, and here I am with no where to run, with no one to turn too. Everyone's gone, everyone's lost, my heart is lost, and lonely and hurt.

You know who I am, or at least I thought you did, and here when the tears keep falling harder now, why can't you love me enough to change who we are, to move on to something else and to just let it go? And as I continue to cry tonight, I can't help but wish that I could leave tonight, fly away and never come back. I am counting down the days until I can afford to do this all on my own again, the days when I have an excuse to leave, when I have an excuse to start over again on my own.

Especially today, you couldn't even let yourself not be selfish for one day, maybe have it all be about me for one day, until I have the strength to move on again. Couldn't you just give up a little for one day for me? You used to, you used to all the time.

And I'm tired of the front, I'm tired of people thinking that everything is perfect, becuase it's not. It's far from anything perfect. No matter what you say to me, I don't think that I matter enough to you right now, I don't think you realize where I am in my life and where you are in yours.

There are no words to express what I feel inside. That peice of me that you fulfilled has now been lost, and every hole in my heart filled with sadness and loneliness. I have been hurting for so long and overlooking it so that we could have a chance. But maybe we're not supposed to, maybe we just need to say goodbye, maybe we need time to grow alone.

You saved me when I was here before and you made me so happy that all the pain and hurt went away, you cured that loneliness that I couldn't help but feel and now, when I needed you the most, you have not been here to take the hurt away. You haven't cared enough to give up some of yourself for a little while to hold me when I'm hurt, instead you do everything you can to make me upset and continue on when I need you to stop. Is that too much to ask of the one you love, or so you thought, to give up a little of yourself when the other is hurting?

I do that every single day for you.

Tonight

With an empty finger and a room all by myself, I learned a very hard lesson tonight. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to love someone, or how hard we try to fix what has been lost, sometimes it can't be fixed. I used to believe in love, in the way that two people could find something in each other and in the way that what was between them could last always. I don't believe that anymore, and I've lost the faith that's always gotten me through. That faith in a feeling, in an emotion, in that love that always got me through before. I don't see it when you look me in the eyes anymore, I don't find that strength in you that I used to.

And I'm sorry, truly I am for losing that faith. I feel it so deep inside me that something is wrong, that something isn't right and I don't believe in anything anymore. You know they say that sometimes, when you have it all, you lose yourself. And that's where I am. I don't remember what's it like to feel safe anymore, I'm scared all the time. I don't remember what it's like to have fun, and I don't remember what it felt like to feel so in love. And I hate that, I hate losing all those moments that meant the world to me way back when.

All the pictures in the world can't show what I'm really feeling inside. All the memories in the world can't make me believe again, and I don't know if I ever will. All I want is to feel that love again and to look at you and see that you love me too, regardless of who we're with, or where we are. All I want is what all my family said they saw in you at the beginning, "how much you adored me."

That's all I've ever wanted.

Congrats

Today was one of many tears and many memories lost and brought back. Today my little brother graduated from high school and like many big sisters, I sat in the stands so proud of who he is becoming. Though I also found it so ironic in so many ways to sit there are remember that day of mine three years ago. And here on the eve of his graduation, he is in the same position I was at, our parents leaving the home that has helped him become the person he is, moving away, leaving behind friends and memories and the familiarity that comes from a place that you know for a while.

And it suddenly hit me today, that while he is only just beginning such a long journey, he has accomplished so much but there are a few more things that I just want to put out there for all of you who might be moving on to something new this time of year. Just a few things that as someone a few years older has come to find out about life...

~don't ever give up on your family because in the end, no one else will ever know you like they do
~don't ever give up on your dreams, and fight for them to the very last breath
~no one tells you about the things that are going to break you the most: lost loves, heartaches, the struggles in life, but keep your head high and always remember the people that are there for you
~as you move along in your life, remember that it's okay to leave some things behind
~don't get stuck in something that you don't love
~always follow your heart
~remember the people that were there along the way but were the quiet watching from afar, sometimes they have the most meaning in your life
~don't ever forget where you came from or who you are
~but don't let where you came from hinder you from where you are going
~it's okay to be afraid, and in the next few years you will feel this emotion a lot
~find new friends and loves, but never forget the ones that you had so long ago
~you can roam the earth to try and find someone that understands you, but so often its the people right in front of you that know you the best
~don't let anyone tell you that you can't do something
~stand up for what you believe in, even if no one else does
~but don't be so ignorant as not to listen to what others have to say
~always remember to have fun, because when life gets busy and we get older, we so often lose touch of that
~find someplace that is all your own and hold on to it
~when you find someone that you want to spend your life with, hold on to them with all is takes, but don't ever let that love make you let go of what you really want
~love with all your heart
~and don't be afraid to show it

...and someday when you are far from home, and you feel like there is no place in the world that could make you feel whole, remember that family is always a phone call away, a friend is always a few hours on the plane away, and your sister, will always be there waiting for her little brother who needs help.

love,
casey

Congratulations Jame, you deserve the world!

a part of something

When can we stop ourselves from killing all that means the most to us? When we are so far into something, when everyone excepts so much of us, that we can't get ourselves out of something that maybe we should just break off from? Its such a fine line between knowing when to go too far or when to stop. I've always been the girl that didn't let anyone else know all that I'm feeling and to be honest, no one in my life knows what I'm feeling inside right now, because I am ashamed to feel this way and I'm so deeply hurt by what I feel and why I feel it that I cannot tell anyone.

I miss the days when I hadn't a care in the world, when I'd come home at the end of the day and be happy to be home. I guess I am expecting too much from everything in my life and it hurts me to see what I'm doing and what's happening around me. I am lost, so deeply lost and drifting to a place I don't want to be. I am up so high that I can't climb down, and at this point it feels like the only option is just to jump and get it over with. This year has been such an emotional up and down, yes's and no's. And a lot of it is my fault for not knowing when to say no, when to say goodbye.

When did the fun, the simple little things get so lost? And when did I lose the faith that always kept me safe from the world? That faith that held such a place in my heart has disintegrated to so much that I can barely make it out anymore. And at such a young age, I feel like the arguments and the disappointment has aged me to the point where I barely recognize myself anymore.

My life no longer feels right or real and I'm so ready for something to change, to wake up and be happy to start the day again. That magic that used to fill my heart no longer is there, and I want so desperatley to feel like I'm the only girl he sees still, to know that without saying anything, I am the most important part of his life. I want to feel a part of something, and not have to spell it out. I want to be happy again, and know where I am and what I mean to other people. I want so badly to feel a part of something again.

Life Lessons

It's so important in this world to hold your head high and to have a few things to live by when the world seems to pull you down... so to Preston who has a blank slate and has the sky as his limit to live this life to the most...

Life Lessons:

1. Don't ever give up on your dreams. Dream with a full heart and with no boundaries.
2. Find strength in yourself and all you can do.
3. Keep your head held high, even when the world seems to pull you down.
4. Keep faith in yourself above all else.
5. Always put others first.
6. Remember where you are from, but don't let it hinder where you go.
7. Believe in something, whatever it may be.
8. Always find forgiveness with others.
9. Don't judge others for decisions they make, because you may not know the whole story.
10. Respect those that you love.
11. Keep friends close, but family closer.
12. Never give up on the people that have always been there for you.
13. Find yourself, and then love someone else as much as you can.
14. When you find someone that you know is special, hold on to them with all you have.
15. Don't be afraid to cry.
16. Never be ashamed of who you are.
17. Always tell those you love that you love them.
18. Be careful in life, but take risks when you can.
19. Hold on to what you love, because it will pull you through in the darkest hour.
20. And above all, have fun along the ride and enjoy every moment you are alive.