a part of something

When can we stop ourselves from killing all that means the most to us? When we are so far into something, when everyone excepts so much of us, that we can't get ourselves out of something that maybe we should just break off from? Its such a fine line between knowing when to go too far or when to stop. I've always been the girl that didn't let anyone else know all that I'm feeling and to be honest, no one in my life knows what I'm feeling inside right now, because I am ashamed to feel this way and I'm so deeply hurt by what I feel and why I feel it that I cannot tell anyone.

I miss the days when I hadn't a care in the world, when I'd come home at the end of the day and be happy to be home. I guess I am expecting too much from everything in my life and it hurts me to see what I'm doing and what's happening around me. I am lost, so deeply lost and drifting to a place I don't want to be. I am up so high that I can't climb down, and at this point it feels like the only option is just to jump and get it over with. This year has been such an emotional up and down, yes's and no's. And a lot of it is my fault for not knowing when to say no, when to say goodbye.

When did the fun, the simple little things get so lost? And when did I lose the faith that always kept me safe from the world? That faith that held such a place in my heart has disintegrated to so much that I can barely make it out anymore. And at such a young age, I feel like the arguments and the disappointment has aged me to the point where I barely recognize myself anymore.

My life no longer feels right or real and I'm so ready for something to change, to wake up and be happy to start the day again. That magic that used to fill my heart no longer is there, and I want so desperatley to feel like I'm the only girl he sees still, to know that without saying anything, I am the most important part of his life. I want to feel a part of something, and not have to spell it out. I want to be happy again, and know where I am and what I mean to other people. I want so badly to feel a part of something again.