Love Letter

Someday, one moment, in the next few months I will be gone. I will leave and follow my heart, wherever it may take me. And in that search, I will find what I'm looking for, a piece of me that I lost long ago, that many of you never even knew I was missing. One day soon I will be gone from lives here, and you will wake up and though you may not notice I am gone for a little while, you will when you least expect it. There will be small things that remind you of me, even though I will be millions of miles away. There will be moments when you wonder what you could have done differently to keep me, and moments when you miss the way my hair felt on your face, or the smell that PF Changs take out takes over the apartment.

There will be no bath water running or material swatches laying around. The movie shelves will be just a little bit emptier and Paris will no longer be hanging on the wall. There will be a day when you understand that this is who I am, and it's not something I can change. There will be a day when I am just an old story, that girl you dated way back when, that girl that ran away, that girl that had too many dreams to keep straight. And I'm okay with that, because I have to leave. I have to find what I'm looking for, and it's not here, not in Portland, not in our apartment, not here. I've been trying to find it for a long time and for a while, love filled the void I have, and made me forget about it for a little while. But not now, and as the moments get closer and closer to me finding a new home somewhere else, I can't help but wonder what you'll do.

Will you stay here? Move back home? Try and forget about me to move on? Or will you come after me, will you fight for me, do all you can to find me, wherever I may be? I think we all growing up hoping our lives will turn out like a fairy tale, that the perfect guy will come flying through the airport after us, that he'll fight for us to the ends of the earth, that he'll be there, to be whoever we need him to be.

I know that's not what life is, in fact, it's much crueler, but even more beautiful. I don't know what I need right now, or necessarily what I want, or who I love, or who loves me. I've been let down by friends so many countless times, and sometimes, all I really want is someone to sit down and talk to, without apprehension, without fear or guilt. You were the closest thing I ever had to that, yet you still won't let me in those walls you've built, and while I'm crumbling down around you, you keep you walls built high so no one can get in.

So in a few months, just remember that you will miss things. And even though at first it might not seem real, it will be. There are things we both need to find, and I have a feeling I might be running wild for a long time. It's part of who I am, it's inside of me to be that girl, and I need to find the things that I've been missing for so long.