for once

I don't know what I did this year or in my life for me to deserve all of this. I look around, and first of all, try to help those that I love and all I get back are emails that basically tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. Emails that keep me up at 5 in the morning because I can't think of anything else. It feels like so much I am being attacked from every angle latley, and at a time in my life where I need someone there for me the most, at one of the hardest and more depressing moments in my life, it seems that everyone else is just running around getting engaged, or more worried about football games than their own daughter. I'm so tired of everyone telling me to be patient and no one thinking that I'm worth any of that help. That someone else always goes first, someone else always gets their happy ending first.

Why is it that as I sit here in the bottom of this hole, everyone around me seems to be just flying by me, when they are the ones that should be looking closely at their own decisions. Yet everyone supports them, the bad decisions, the wrong choices, the too early engagements, but when it comes to me, when it comes to things that I want, I'm just told to wait. I'm told not yet, I'm told that "someday" it will happen, I'm told that this will pass. What did I ever do wrong to deserve these waves and waves crashing down on me. Emotionally I am a wreck, emotionally I have had it with friends and family and loved ones. I'm so sick of always coming last when I have been there and encouraged everyone else. I'm so sick of being told to wait.

I want to be worth the risk to leap... to do something to remember. I want someone to tell me that now is my time, that I can come first for once.