Finding My Way

Sometimes I wonder if our mothers and their mothers before us got it all wrong. For generations we have built this society where a career should come before love, where a family and a big house in the suburbs should come before a long relationship with someone you really genuinely love and respect and just want to be with. Sometimes I wonder if all the feminine power that women have gained over the years was gained for the right reasons, and while I one of those girls that grew up thinking that I’d always choose a successful career over giving it all up for someone I love, I’ve realized in the past few months that I don’t know if I would anymore. And it’s in these past few months that have made me find out exactly what I want out of life and while I’m not extremely sure of the next year, what choices I will make and where I’ll be, I do know one thing and it’s something that took me a long time to realize… almost 23 year actually, and that is that when you find someone that you genuinely love, someone that makes you smile, that will sit at home with PF Changs take out and be happy just to be in sweats and watch a movie with you, you hold on to that, whatever that means you may give up. I’ve realized that when someone sees you 24 hours a day, at your best and at your worst, when they put up with your family and still want to go to family dinners with you even when you know there will be drama, that the things that seem like may be lost, only come back better as things you’ve found.
This year I have sat on countless plane rides, and for however many hours I’m flying, it seems like the trips bring something out inside of me I never felt before. Something that asks if this is all worth it, if the high I get from travel, if the dedication I exude in my work, in the independence I feel living on my own, if that’s all worth it, if it’s worth even a small fraction of what I pretend it is worth. And I think all the time about giving it all away to be with him, sometimes because I’m just lonely, I’ll admit, but most of the time it’s because I am finally at a point in my life where I have realized how very much love means, what home means. It means knowing that after the worst day you could have, he will be there when I come home at night, it means driving across the bridge and smiling down at our city together, the city where we met, where we both learned to how to love, and the city that made us grow up, while we got to do it together. It means maybe going out to eat every night of the week and getting sick of the same restaurants together, it means going to Target on the weekends and the grocery store.
And the more I think about it, the more I wonder how I got to this point. I’ve been with Nick for 4 years today, and it took me 4 years to really understand how I feel. It took me 4 years to realize that I never want anyone else, 4 years to realize that I would give up everything I’ve worked my whole life for in order to fly home and be with you. And in the words of the famous Mr. Big, “it took me a really long time to get here, but I’m here.”
I guess there are moments when suddenly you realize that everything you believed in never really existed, moments when you can’t wait for the next step, when you know that it is supremely right to be with someone and you genuinely and sincerely just want to be with them, for the rest of your lives.