Chance

These past four months have been the most emotionally draining of my life, and never have I been so conflicted in my life. I thought this was the easy part, first job, new city. But everyday feels like it last for years and I never have a day that I feel whole anymore, never a day that goes by that I don't wish I was somewhere else. There is so much people don't know about what's happened here, so much that I don't feel like I at liberty to share, so much that I don't agree with, so much that would only make them all worry about me.

I just want so badly to jump on a plane and forget it all, hide out in Portland from it all. From the moment I heard about this job, it scared me to take it. It scared me to be here, in this place I don't like; it scared me to take a job at a firm my dad works closely with; it scared me to go into this unsure. But I did because it was really my only option, I did it to please my parents and to have a salary. I did it to move forward and to find answers that I thought I needed. I did it for them, not for me. This wasn't my first choice, my second or even my third, it was my only choice.

I pray every day, that in a few months I'll be able to find something else. That I'll have the strength to pull myself away from here, that I'll have the opportunities to chase, that I'll be able to leave and find something else back home.

I have to pull myself out of this depression and this hole I'm in here, out of this life that I dislike so much. I just hope and pray that a chance comes around.